Well I cut myself, and it only means that I have failed, I failed with the job that God had for me, or to experience going through something I DONT know but I failed,, I failed because I used sin in order to get through something easier, and now I bet it will cost me in the future. I asked God for mercy and I am way happier now, for no fucking reason, I laugh I laugh I laugh like never? No I have laughed harder, but I just see everything as funny now, whatever it may be. No, I must ask God to put me through the pain, cant believe I gave up from Him, no I shouldnt have. This is bad. I am happy, but its bad, its not artificial, but there are things on the other side that I need to take care of. Oh God or something, is there anything you can do? I mean what does this tapping mean? Will the lack of pain mean I will miss out on the art of pain? Oh no, I loved the art of pain, I am really going to miss it, but this what I am doing is painful, leaving pain behind. I mean I could tap it out, Im afraid I may accidently do it I mean, cant I at least dwell in my fears, what does all of this mean? I need to do research, I need to reasearch the things in Tapping.com to know what this all means.
So I wrote down this, the downside of tapping is that even though you may get rid of these negative emotions from your childhood, or how Tom Davis explained in Foundations of Romanticism class, that there are emotions in your childhood that need to be explained and expressed and that these somehow create the Emerson’s Joy or that feeling of the sublime that I get sometimes, those emotins and thoughts that make me convulse that I dont understand that move inside me and make me desperate to LIVE TO LIVE DESperate to live. I dont want to get rid of them, I want to relish on these, because these also compose part of the infinity in life, these negative emmotions are aspects to explore, hopefully, being “happy” does not mean I cant understand sadness and anger anymore. I am now doing research... but I really want to siiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggaaaHHHH!!!
I feel like I cheated. Like I took the easy way out, like if someone gave me a lift, instead of me figuring it out... Well after a long time of praying for pain and trials, this time I prayed for mercy, and I cut myself. I am such a fool, I fear of what this may turn into. If I cut myself its like I sacrificed wrongly, I pleaded through a sin. I want to ask God to take me back, but I dont know if its possible, it was said that the effects of tapping were permanent.
My horoscope from yesterday (I dont usually read it I just ran into it today), said that it wouldnt be long before the storm clears... I just wish I would have had more faith in God that this would happen, and not have cut myself. I mean, I already knew that changes could happen this quick this sudden, in a life like this anything is possible.. but its just that so much time had passed that it did not seem to come, and i was starting to wonder, I did not see that all this time that this was not changing meant even more that change was imminent, by possibility, I can see how I thought not so, because if it hasnt changed yet, then it would not change later. What is all of this? I am left confused, and I could just tap it away but I am afraid to, since I am suppose to accomplish all things in the first stage before I make a permanent jump to the second, and this is my rule to accomplish exploration.
*January 1, 2010 (beware of permanent damages [changes]. It is a well respected rule I keep, that before I move on to a level that I wont be able to look back, I look as much as I can in the first. I may have to let go of this rule because [no, not because I think some things are worth ignoring or not worth paying attention to but because] in the case of openning your mind, letting go of the smaller world, does not mean getting rid of it, but getting more of it. Getting rid of anything [specially permanently] is a sin, in the perfect world, nothing is permanent, unless it is everything.)
Also I am afraid of learning these things from third sources because then I wont be able to claim originality.
Ok so, Im seeing this change as a bad thing because I cut myself, and I feel like my failure brought all of this. But if I look at the events of the past before i cut myself I should see that maybe it isnt so. Maybe its okay that things are changing, maybe it would have been better even if I succeeded. I mean, I was learning to be (but not able to ramain) in a good mood, before this happened, and the prophesying girl prophesied positively about me before this as well.
I still feel like if i didnt reach the bottom of the pit that I was bound to touch. I want to cry, I mean I dont feel sad and I dont feel like crying but I wish i did. I want to remember what its like to be in that pain that lead me to hurt myself. I feel sorry for him, I want to share his burden. I want to be with him and cry with him, hmm. I want to kiss him passionately and grab his cock, lol. Ok ok, calm down.
Ok so the point of being in a bad mood is to close up your possibilities so you can focus on the bad things and work against them (source unknown, lol... oh wait here it is http://darkwingchun.wordpress.com/2009/06/06/mood-affects-perception/). Well Toma Davis told students about good mood bad mood, and perception of possibilities but he didnt say its purpose. But sometimes you get in a “bad” closed mood even though there is no threat, and sometimes, it even is too closed for the situation. So bad moods are necessary someitmes, and one needs to have flexibility between the two. Hm, I thought that with the tapping I could never be in a bad mood again... this would be bad..
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