July 7, 2011

I think the main method that I used to use back in high school, and I remember this, was to tell myself that whatever I was aiming for, what I wanted, there were greater things in life than it.  I basically reminded myself that it did not constitute the greatness of life.  My mind would then realize that what I wanted was not as important or necessary as I thought it was and be able to look around again.

The problem with that method is that: 1) it is a method, 2) although I succeed in freeing my mind it suggest that I am still after something else.  Another problem could be that it does not guarantee my mind being free, it just detaches me from whatever I choose at the moment; so its kind of like a hand pistol… and nothing better against this eternal ghost of darkness.

June 24, 2009

I dont knwo whats going on with my body, for the last few days I have noticed, that I dont own the same passion and emotion, I dont enjoy things the way I used to. 

Have I lost my soul?  I find myself doing things I like and I can tell my body enjoys them, but I dont.

Is this how to tell that I have ascended? After much battling and playing with the wills of my body do I turn into a souless being? Like a vampire, that just lives and follows whatever he may but deep inside, he wants nothing in his heart? Is this what becomes of those who search for the outside of infinity, something without a being, without a body to represent it, without an art, without a soul, without a color.

I dont know what I want, and when I do want, I know it doesnt mean a thing, and when my body wants, I dont necessarily want with it.  I dont know who or what I am anymore, am I man?

Am I losing passion? Am I going to die? Am I depressed? Or am I  just growing up? Have I lost my holy spirit?

Maybe I feel like this because I am not finding anything new.  Maybe I need something new to drive me, to motivate, maaybe I am just tired of looking looking and not finding, or finding finding but missing out on the manifestations of these things I find.  Maybe I am ready for another world, maybe I am ready to move on...  maybe I am separating from my body, maybe Im leaving it behind, but where am I going, and who will take it over?

I dont like what I used to, I dont care for things, I just dont, I dont get excited, I am just living by the example that my old self left, but who am I?  My body just wants to be warm and comfortable, but who am I? Is my spirit dead, have I not a soul? But who am I?

(written on July 10, 2009 about the past) Oscar Figueroa said that he had this same feeling once, and he learned, by introspection that it was because he was denying something.  So I thought about what I could be denying and the next day it was half gone.  But I still wondered, why would denying something cause such a feeling?  In my case, “denying something” can more generally be explained as, I wasnot acting according to my beliefs, so I was denying beliefs, or denying what I was doing.  But I still wondered, why does it feel like that?  I thought about it and concluded that it was because I was concerned, and since I was concerned about something else, I was unconcerned about whatever I was doing at the time, I was not very focussed on it.  Everything I did all day was not something that I was concerned about, so I did not feel like it was in me to do it, I did not feel like I was doing it.  I guess.

May 28, 2009

I think I am starting to get back the spirit I had lost 4 years ago.  Why did I lose it? Was it because of my ex? Why? Its like a curse I had from doing witchcraft (which is how I got my ex to be my girlfriend) is it over now? No this spirit left me because something was left unaccomplished, something that my spirit wasnt able to live with, so it left me; something it felt that it had to solve, but it couldnt, or I gave up on it, so it left me.  Whatever it was, the spirit left, and that says something about the spirit; its not invincible, it cant stand being around things it cannot change, it cannot handle being wrong, it cannot handle the seeming injustices of Life, therefore it is definite... But its still pretty useful.  If I want this spirit back, I must continue where it left off, and I must fix the problem that it couldnt just ignore.  The choice was to give the matter some time, so my spirit left, it became dormant for years, it waited by leaving me, because it couldnt stand being here and not doing anything about the situation.  But now, it has awaken within me, and it wants to fix what “needed” time (huh, I dont believe it anymore).  Strange the emotions, nostalgic, the spirit reminds me of the past I had, who I was, what I believed; I am back.  This spirit that left its mark in my life, I have been following its laws in auto-pilot, but it wasnt me; I practiced what I learned from it, but I only knew the rules by repetition, not by reflection or deep consideration.  Now I am awake, and I will go back and do some deeds!

Spirit: It was something I left out of place something unagreeable with my world.

Explains the heartbreak after I broke up with her

So what is the ultimate problem? What caused the problem that frightened my spirit away? Why would such a situation cause it to leave? What was in the situation? What did it mean for the spirit? My problem is that the people I slutted around with, in the end, turned out to be these people that close-mindedly give up their will to their partner, or, in other words, consumer culture.  But why would I regret doing something like this? Why would I regret going out with someone when my morality says to help out those in need of intimacy?  Am I saying that I will accept those who need intimacy only if they are not from this culture? This cannot be the case, it would make your consideration, your love for humanity conditional.

A1 -So if this is the case, you are still set out to learn this one thing, to accept even those in the consumer culture.

But it IS true that I would offer my help to anybody that needs it, I am making no exception, the problem I have is that I am giving my help to those that DONT need it.  They are not interested in my intimacy.  They may think they need it but they really dont, so this is why I feel guilty.   

-and you would not go out with someone that thinks they want your intimacy?

-well I would, but only to show them that they dont really want it. This is where I failed.

-So what if you did convince them that they did not really love you and that their desire for you was only superficial.

- If I did end up convincing them then I would  have accepted carrying along with it, as long as we knew those terms.

- so your sin was not that you carried along with shallow careless intimacy

*January 1, 2010 (When people are “in love” they feel it, they feel that they are able to cope with everything that the world may bring them.  But their love is conditional, those that “think” they need my intimacy are everyone who considers themselves in need of my intimacy and do not Love Unconditionally; because they can end up hating me for one reason or another, all I have to do is find their fears, that they are not willing to give up for me.  But if its all for me, then they may fear losing me.  So no matter who is interested, I would be able to show them that they are really not.  My ideal partner would be one who,  by themselves looked forward to getting rid of their rejectful nature, for the sake of itself, not for me, but for Life itself, for God.  This would be that they are actually attempting to Love unconditionally, this would mean that they are honestly interesed, in accepting me wholly, it would mean that they actually want my intimacy; one can only Love another, if they Love God.

A2 -my sin was that I did not admit, realize, recognize, I did not acknowledge the fact that what I was carrying out was shallow careless intimacy.   And so I failed to acknowledge and preach the truth about their love, now I am “not allowed” to talk to them, and I feel there is something missing, this is what I missed.

A1 & A2 are in process...

God the Locked

File Location: My Words/God/God the Locked

God the Locked!!  Those who search for Truth but find damnation.  Those who search for Infinity but find Nothingness.  God has kept them away, the Great God has Locked them away with a Great Lock, from his presence, from knowledge of him, from Enlightnement.

Then God laughs!

Then there are those who claim to know, they claim to know what he is.  But really its nothing, anything they claim can be marked as false, anything they grasp is deniable.  God remains the unknown, is He good? Is He evil? I pray to Him.  Him that is without an alias, without a face, without an account, remains alone; the Mysterious, He is  locked away, some eternal haven is the unknown.

Prayers

File Location: My Words/God/Prayers

_On a night at the Lodge at Pine Springs Ranch, I walked in search for one of God’s wonders I spoke to God in prayer, as I waited to see yet another shooting star.  Confused about what Word was, should I believe the Bible and only the Bible, arranged by Constantine the founder of paganic christianism.

“Tell me God!!! Should I eat and consume these Words!!!?? Should I live by, should I believe this so-called... (and instead of saying, I was stopped by the sight of a shooting star, as I felt it underline the word that was in my mind and not yet out of my lips... Truth)”

_ So I was praying once and I told God “wow God, you are unbelievable!” and then he says... get this he says, “well that explains why so many people have stopped believing in me.”

_I had just watched the movie “American Me” and I noticed that I was beginning to act like the people in the movie, taking their gestures, their mentality, their spirit.  “Oh God no!!! Tell me why I shouldnt feel this way God, tell me why the lives of these people are a unacceptable to you!!”  They act this sort of way, Santana does not even know how to dance or make love, he does not even do drugs he lived his life making “respect” his only god;  his goal in life was to gain respect and to be honored and feared.  He knew no other life, he did not wonder of any other aspect.  He did not wonder about life, he did not even know he was alive, he was as alive as a rock!!! (well you are gonna have to check on rock morality to see if thats a good put-down). They lived to gain respect and to be known, oh my God would Jesus go after such goals?!?!  They could have really learned something from Jesus, they would accepted Jesus with no problem!!! Would they even question Jesus’s actions like scholars do? NO! Of course they wouldnt! Seeing how they like to feel like they belong and how easily they are influenced by others, all they need, to believe, is some encouragement and affirmation from enough people.  Wow, this is really a place where the gospel would have full effect!! Where people are focused on other gods and they are unreflective, they wouldnt even think about it, they would just accept it since everybody else is doing it.  This reminds me of “zeitgeist” saying that christianity was for the poor, to control them and keep them in their place, it seemed that way when thinking about it, i dont know how it would have worked but just the fact that they would accept it and respect it and look up to it without reflection.  “So where am I then. Is Jesus only a tool to control the poor?  Well Jesus may be but my God is not.  And I am sorry God if it sounds like I am denying your Son, but I must wonder: what would I choose if it turned out that to find the Eternal the Greatest God, I had to deny...” (then God says: “Me”).  I am left astonished at the thought, what had God just told me?  That the Highest God is Higher than who I was praying to?....(awww).  Oh God too Great to hold in my mind, a God Higher than you? I felt to ignore the “God” I was praying to, and focus on this even Higher God, but then I realized that the True God would be even Higher, I writhed at the thought, “where are you Lord? How High are You? I am left less than life when I think of your Greatness,  How dare me open my lips to You! How dare me complain to You! How dare me to think that anything in my life matters! When I wonder your Greatness, I am as a grain of sand, an inanimate puppet, I SHOULD NOT EVEN BE ALIVE!!! So why do you have me here Lord? Where am I and what am I worth? You have given a body, you have given me abilities, WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS, WHEN I AM NOT EVEN ALIVE!?!?!”  I felt to not move, in front of such a Great thought, and it was not even His Greatest, I felt like my life was worth death, my consciousness was as good as a calculator’s, I am dead, my spirit is worth nothing to me since it is not even mine.

There are people who wonder, and people who dont.  I had this aspect with God where I was pointless and then He let me know of my worth, “I am a creation of the Lord now live and do His will” (another aspect).  So I am able to travel from world to worlds within God?  But what about those worlds without wondering of God?  Are they not seperate aspects and therefore worthy of being experienced, studied?

Spirits

File Location: My Words/God/Spirits

Witchcraft, Spirits, ghosts, visions, acts of God, these things that are not experimented by science, and are said and believed to not exist.

Some say it may just be a force, or a demonstration of how far the power of suggestions can go.  But seriously, the results of these things are unpredictable and they even seem to be unaffected by our perspectives; like if they have a mind of their own.  AMAZING!!  Could it be that the power of suggestion can bring in NEW knowledge into your head (as so it happens when getting messages from spirits).

I understand that in some cultures that it is believed for a number to be bad luck, statistically, there are more deaths on the day matching that number than any other day (i.e. there are more deaths in America on Friday the 13 than any other day.)  These I understand to be power of suggestion.  Since I believe that the deaths happen because they expect it to happen, so they bring it upon themselves.  But new information is different.

There is something bugging my mind that I must bring out, maybe it could be that the power of suggestion brings out “new” information, but it is only thought too be new.  The way this happens is that, the subconscious mind stores information but does not consciously sort it out.  It is possible that you figure out many truths about your everyday life if you only knew how to figure it.  Once you “summon a spirit” to provide you with “new information” by the power of suggestion you come to understand the world in this certain regard.  And as reported, by the power of suggestion, everyone hears the same message, physically, to explain the “new information” into their minds. (highly unlikely if you ask me.

And the way the exmples of how God works also tell me of a higher force, other than plain suggestion.  Peradventure, you are participating in a competition, the power of suggestion will have it that if you believe you are going to lose you will lose, and if you believe you will win, then you will most likely win.  (This is disregarding those other situations where blindess of predetermined results come into play, which in itself is a whole different concept.)  But the way God has worked in lives it is apparent that the result does NOT depend on the “suggestion” of the individual.  There are instances where God promises a curse, and it does not matter how must one ignores it it still happens.  Where does this power come from? The power for a message to have so much influence on reality, a simple message can change reality no matter what we do or even when no one hears the message, if it is said it is done, disregarding the “suggestion” of the individual.  Or an instance where God blesses, and no matter how much one feels cursed and defiled, the blessing still come,  the results of these blessings are in no accord to the perspective of the individual, like if there was a separate force that had a mind of its own, like if a third consciousness was involved in the ordeal between you and your “suggestion” that causes you to believe in God or not (it does not matter if you believe in God or not, blessings and curses still come about, as detailed [as reported])