Oldest date modified 10/17/2009
There are some elements in composing methods to achieve
awareness: the elements are exploration (to become aware we wonder about
things), memory (to keep the awareness you had); to achieve exploration we TEND
to need interest (something that draws us
to it), and since we are considering to live by as if other people exist
and that the value of their lives is as much as ours, or just the fact that
there is an external world there is a need for expression (so we accomplish existnce on the outside).
Pray Pray Prayer!!! I
ask out loud I dance for an answer, cmon, show that you want to live to
know. In prayer I ask and I listen.
Everywhere I go every where I see I must realize of all the
possibilities with every instance that is presented, I must know (realize that
I am alive).
Dont lie to yourself, when you lie to yourself you pretend
things dont exist, when you pretend like things dont exist and then you see
them, you g4et startled, when you get startled, you can either accept that you
have been lying to yourself, or you can get frustrated and try to destroy what
exists.
Response from things that you subconcious call
On
this subject again I say that the symbols I see around, the interpretation (God
says: stay quite, hear what I say, and dont deny what I tell you). So when you want something, you get an answer
from anywhere... heres the case, I was trying to think of something I forgot, I
had completely forgotten it (understand how the dynamics of this works), so my
mind id in the search for something, this memory or a concept, and although I
did not remember it, my mind payed attention to a physical scenerio, and made
me think about what was going on in the scenerio, and lead me to conclude the
thought that I was trying to remember, I
need to know the criteria that leads to this to happen this way... Ok so if I go along with this, if I want
something or at least to know something, the answer will come, I will derive it
from whereever I look, (thinking of the black king chess piece) my mind already
knows what comes next and the truth about things, it makes me pay attention to
the symbols that will be relevant, and it even gives me an answer through
them. So my mind already knows all of
this, (could it be the first thing that is considered?) and whatever I want to
know, it is ready to disburse the information, (so what do I have to do to get
the information?) all I have to do is spur my mind like an action or a symbol,
and interpret. So what about the wrong interpretations, I ask God, the wrong
interpretations wher do they come from? They are not pure are they? They are
not interpretations, they are not answers from the mind, in response to what
you ask, so they are not the interpretation that you derive from what you give
your attention to, they are rather the lack of interpretation, they are the
ignorance of the interpretation, they are not what you interpret but they are
the result of the denial of the interpretation. And why do we deny
interpretations? Because we do not accept the possibility of that
interpretation. And what does it mean when we do not accept a possibility? It
means we have a prejudice, we have a belief that we consider to be true. And like the quote I just came up with this
last Friday says: “When you do not
believe anything to be true, you believe everything to be a possibility.” But
if you believe something to be true and are not willing to accept its opposite,
then you have a prejudice, and when you have a prejudice, when you already have
a conclusion, an answer about something that you are not willing to let go,
then you are not letting it go, and you are not letting the “interpretation”
take its place. A thing that connects to
this, that this reminds me of is the religion class I took at UCR, they talked
about Process Theology, and the most instant point in time is where you get ALL
TRUTH, the very first impression before any prejudice kicks in, but we do not
really pay attention and it seems like if we dont have access to this point in
time because a moment fades after as short as a moment can be, and our
prejudices come immediately, or almost immediately, so we tend tto not notice
the Truth, before all our prejudice comes in.
The way my idea connects to this, is that since it is not easy to access
this point time (before our prejudices come in), the second best thing we must
do is get rid of our prejudices, so that they dont come in.
There is a certain form of thinking that prompts one to listen, you
listen, what is it like to listen? By listenning I mean those moments when you
get ideas, when you “read minds”, or when what you want to know, comes to
you. There is a certain way to listen to
these, when you dont have prejudices I said it before, thats when you will hear
them, thats when you will accept what it says, but how does one do this, is not
easy, or how is it done?
There is a state
in which it comes, what is this state, I was sitting on a rock today, trying to
remember somehting again, while my mind thought of what I was trying to
remember, as I decided to save it for later it came to me again, from another
direction just like the last time, this is what it is? I wondered why, and how
it came to me, it seemed like it came when I was not trying to think about it
anymore, just like how people remember things only after they give up trying to
think about it (and I remembered an instance of this a couuple of weeks ago,
well actually I think it was this Sunday, when someone at church was trying to
think of a name, and he said he would let it go since it would takke time but
as soon as he said that he remembered.
Question is: why
is it so?
So I started
thinking of this state, and what it is. It sounds like these things are suppose
to come spontaenously, without you trying to think of them, if you try to think
of them they will not come, because they would not be spontaenous. I guess that when you are trying to think of
something, you are applying prejudices, you aer trying to think of it in terms
of those prejudices by which you are trying to think of it from, directing your
thoughts to a certain place, when in fact you are not suppose to have prejudice
as you want to know, you are just suppose to listen without a question without
denying it with whatever evidece or past experience you may have.
So this is how
they come, but if you are not trying to think of them (the problem is) how will
it ever be known, so you are suppose to want to know but not try to make it or
look for it, but just let it in. This
may be confusion because you should only just “let it in” so it seems that you
aer suppose to not care if it walks in or not, but if you dont care, it seems
to mean that you dont really want it, and if you dont really want it then how
will it ever come to you? I guess what
one has to do is to admit they want it
(how much do they have to admit before they convince their mind to look for the
answer for them?)m and then just let
their mind wonder. And why does it work like this anyways?
So why is it
called spontaenous? Why does it feel that way? Because you are not thinking of
prejudices that you feel are suppose to lead to it, when actually those
prejudices have no connection with it (at least in your mind, which is why
thinking of those prejudices will not help you remember. So if its not the prejudices that helps you
remember but it is only the desire, your soul desire for it without identifying
what it is.
Emotions without
a name: I just woke up from my nap and my roomate was trying to tell me
something, I told him to not talk, to hold on. I was trying to remember
something and I didnt want him to distract me, as I slowly lost what I was
trying to remember, I told him I was trying to remember something, he told me I
must have a really bad memory, I said that its just that the things I was trying
to remember did not have a name and thats why it was so hard. He said he was confused, I said I was too, he
said “what?”, I said I was confused to as I have problems thinking and tryinf
to remember these things they leave me confused, most time or not. He was telling me how I was talking in my
sleep, I know since I wwas awake thorught some of it, “It wasnt spanish
thought”, I told him, and when I told him that I thought and said, “HEY! I must
have been speaking in toungues”. He asked what it was and I told him about acts
and the tounges of fire and what not, and that you speak only that God
understands. “So that means I got the
Holy Spirit!!” I said, “well either that or I got demons from my friend who got
possesed a couple of days ago”... I told him that he knew him but that I
wouldnt say who. He said he didnt
care. Then I told him that it was weird
because there was anouther time when I was half awake and I was trying to phrase
out everything I was thinking to remember it, putting parts and parts of it in
words to get each out and maybe a whole, but I forgot everything because as I
became more awake, the more I lost and I never wrote it down. So its like
things that I can only think while I am dreaming, that I can only understand in
that state, words that only make sense in dreams, since I dont believe that the
words that I did manage to put together (that I still dont remember) made any
sense. So he said, “but I thought you
couldnt remember”, I said, “well yea cuz these things dont have a name so its really
hard to pinpoint them to remember.” Then
I thought of why people speak in toungues and I think it may be because of this, that there are no words in our language
to describe the things they feel or are thinking about.
Okay so in think about how all this works, that it doesnt matter what I
want to know my mind will search for it on its own and no matter what it is, it
will find the answer I am looking for, as long as I have not the prejudices
that deny the answer. Because of this,
the answer we waant does not come when we are trying to think of it, but when
we feel it less, when we are not trying to think of it, when we are listenning
and letting it come, just listening. It
depends on what we want in our lives that our bodies, our minds will decide
what to give us. Those things that we
contemplate and hope for, andspend sometime acknowledging our hernest desire
for it... something like that. Anyways,
we cant get to these answers by reasoning out some points, because that would
be using the prejudices of our minds to derive it, but when we use the
prejudices of our mind we are actually rejecting the answer it is trying to
tell us because it doesnt make sense to us.
So first of all, how does it know the answer? I dont know, I guess it depends on where your
desire is, on what level of reality, and how legitamate you want the answer to
be. I guess it depends what level of
assumptions you are willing to accept as true in the answer the you aspire
towards... what I am trying to say is... your mind knows that if all you
hernestly care about is bullshit sex, and do not care about keeping yourself
safe for love, then it will give you bullshit sex; only if you admit that thats what you only care about and that
if, honestly, there was anything greater that you may not know, that you
wouldnt hold it into well being just because you dont know it (in other words,
you are being ignorant of the possibility of anything greater, and even if you
knew you were being ignorant, you would still accept your ignorance), then it
will give it to you. So basically, if
you want to be famous, and you were to sell your soul to the devil to achieve
that; then you would become famous.
Second example: if you want to be famous, and you decide that you should
not pursue it because the vanity that comes to you from being famous is a bad
thing, and something you dont want, then the range of possibilities that could
happen is that you become famous without being vain, or you become famous, but
if you had an honest concern about this, then
you wouldnt be vain by fame.
This is all so hard to explain and I dont think the examples I gave do
any justice to what I am trying to say.
But the point is, that your mind lowers it standards according to your
level of reality, and the possibilities in reality that you are willing to
consider. And what I mean by “your mind”
I mean the thing that decides what it will tell you and let you know, so that
you reach your honest goals.
So where does God go in all of this? God remains here, where the infinite
is, in our world, where the Unknown is, God is all of this that we understand,
and much more. God knows that everything
that I am coming up with, no matter how well it works and how much it makes
sense, it is still only an idea by a human and ever-biased mind, God is Truth,
the Truth we may never reach. God is
what we are suppose to aspire to as so we do not close our minds but become
aware of the possibilities of reality, which are in fact infinite, if we aspire
to this Infinity, then this Infinity will be our hernest desire, and the
standard by which our minds decide how to answer our prayers. Whether God has a conscious mind, that is
such a strange question it is like He does and He doesnt; He doesnt because all
Infinity is, is a standard that we are suppose to aspire to, and our minds will
give us the blessing of reaching it; and He does have a conscious mind in the
sense that Infinity and the Unknown is in our minds, working through it in our
terms, but we really should not degrade Infinity to terms of consciousness or
unconsciousness. Infinity if anything would only be greater than anything than
we can imagine, so consciousness just becomes another superficial factor, like
asking if God is African or yellow skinned, God is so over those things, that
asking if God has a consciousness or not is such a strange question, specialy
when you think about how consciousneess is only a figment, a creation of the
human mind. God is everything greater
than anything, Infinity, and just because it may not be conscious in terms of
humanity, it does not mean that it would
not understand us, but because it is Infinitely greater and Ever-present in
even our reality, that it still understands and works through us. We do not understand Infinity, but it
understands us, because we are in it, we are part of it, and it works through
us.
So the point I was trying to make, is that depending on the honest
desire, and our consideration for life, that we have had, and for the
possibilities our reality, our honest considerations. Our mind will answer our prayers and desires
according to what we consider reality to be, it will make your life an
intricate puzzle that should lead you to your ultimate goal in the end. So it depends on the standard that our mind
has, where it will take us within this Infinity. This is why not everyone will reach heaven,
this is why some will die off and never know, and some will live an eternity in
hell, this is why animals dont go to heaven, because they do not consider life
and reality like we do (well, we really do not have a right to say, whether
even the rocks can see us, since we have never been any of them before). And it may also turn out, that deep within
the arrangement of our structure, since we all exist, we all aspire infinitly to Infinity. My point being that, I dont know, and I
probably do not have a right to declare any of this because of the level of
reality that it takes place in. And by
level of reality I mean the amount of assumptions that we need to take as “facts” in order to understand it,
or to create that reality.
So recap of today’s subject, our mind knows what to give us depending on
the level of reality that our honest desires are in, and what possibilities we
have taken into consideration.
And now thinking through all of this, then I listen to music which I
thought was impressively meaningful in terms of content and subject, but now
those things which they consider, which I once though were meaningful and
beautiful, I now see it as vain as lust
poetry. And how do you determine if it
is I or the world that is becoming insane, and what does that matter in such a
state as mine. If you think I am just
going crazy, you can kill me, but you will all still be stuck in your reality
which you know nothing of, and of course you know nothing of it, just ask God.
This Example comes from October 25, 2009:
In the dish
room, the only place where I can blast my favorite music... “mind if I put on
the radio?” he said. And it broke my
heart, I told him he could, and hid my disappointment. Now I am blind, closed minded, focused on
this threat, how can something so simple, make me this sad? Just because they dont like my music; like I
always say, its not the action, but what it means, it means that there is no
where now where I can play my music, where I can express who I am, it means
that I was wrong again in thinking that I would be accepted, it means that
these picky people only accept from me what they like but once they see
something they dont like they pretend to still be nice, when they are really
brats. But why does it bother me that
they only accept some things of me but not the rest, im sure i have done this
before with others, just like I like girls to kiss them but not marry
them. This is a problem for those who
think that a kiss means marriage. And
the radio was a problem for me that thought that progressive metal meant
experimental. But its because this girl
perceived an act of love as love altogether, and I perceived a type of music to
the rest of my weird music. I wasnt
ready to be rejected, I didnt think it would be, I was concerned about it though,
and there it was. So now I wonder it can
happen again, and I dont want it to happen again.
But these
changes, they are not suppose to upset me and close my mind... Im suppose to
drift along with them, as if dancing to a new song.
I have arms, but
I cant do anything with them (I dont know how to use them for), I CANT DO
ANYTHING WITH MY ARMS, (I remember how I used them before to make someone
happy), now there is nothing I can do with them, I cant see, I cant see what I
can do with them, I cant walk I dont know how to use my legs... I want to see,
I want to see the possibilities, but I am blind. How do I open up my eyes? How do I realize I
am alive? How do I realize who You are?
How do I realize that I am an angel, and that I have wings to even fly? Im stuck in one world, how do I get out?
And so I
wrestled with the thoughts, I thought of it as something that comes and goes, I
thought of myself, picking up on an inspiration, but then coming back to this,
and lwaving the inspired person I was behind, leaving those who met me
confused, so that the plans I had, that I loved, were so easily thrown
away. This reminded me of Angie, once
inspired, then like nothing, like dead.
Maybe when I did the spell on her, to waken her, it made her demon pass
on to me. How considerate of me, now who
would I give it to? It must make a really nice trick to torment someone as I am
tormented, no... but who would be nice to take it from me, what if I asked Nick
Brandenburg to take it? So that made me
wonder how things like this can be contagious... Now I thought of my torment as
a demon, “I will not give you to anyone” I told it, “I will destroy you
myself”. We wrestled, or my body just
writhed, I laughed, as if it was him speaking, a deep laughter, then a more
scratchy one. I layed there just
thinking... then I thought, no I have to take care of this guy, “cmon..” so I
engaged in it again, writhed, then we laughed, the wrestling reminded me of
rough play... I like rough play, so he said out loud, “lets be friends”, and I
said concerned, “yes, lets try that” I
looked toward God, and He gave me the thumbs up... trying something new is
good.
I think though,
that being friends with it, means living with prejudice... ugh, its not what I
want, God help please.
Maybe I am
suppose to litterally look around and pay attention to things to get back my
sight, think of one thing then another then another, and make this and that,
and so I thats kind of what I did, then I did this and that and went here and
there and so...
October 26, 2009
I wake up, and I
am afraid, I actually wake up the second time and turn on the music homework,
and when I see a girl I think positive, but I am still afraid, I can feel it, I
dont know of what though. Im sure it will
show up, then I will have to deal with it, I hope I figure out how by by then.
Philosophy
Romanticism class: “the monologue in
your head, its not you, its a combinaiotn of outtside influences, then you want
the monologue to shut up so you can reveal the unique genious, so how do you
shut up the monologue?” I laughed
because thats what I was trying to do the day before... “do you sit there and say, ‘shut up’?” the monologue goes away when you listen to
the music, because when you hear the music, the monologue is irrelevant.
Responsibility,
how you Respond...
-------------------------------------------------------------------Example
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