It is 1:46 am, again I feel as if I am alone. So I went to the prophesying girl to make sure that I was okay cuz I felt bad, and God told me to talk to her anyways, so I looked for her. She came out and we walked she told me to look at things and tell her what I saw, she told me that I was suppose to be sensitive with peple to not scare them, that I need people to trrust me, and that I am not used to doing that, I agreed, at least in this Whitman context. Anyways, so I sat on the grass feeling around, not far I saw a tennis ball, she asked me what it meant, I said I didnt know, I threw it into the tennis court but it hit the trees, I said there was a block, she asked me where. I said that it wasnt spacial, I walked towards where the tennis ball landed and there was another ball, it had been there for a while (the block, I meant), I threw the tennis balls in now, she told me to pray to remove the block, I prayed. Then we walked, I was seeing things, I saw vines going up a wall, I got close pressing my chest against it, I saw 2 paths, but I didnt know what they meant. I told her there are 2 paths. We walked, she said that she needed to go but that I should stay, I stayed, on ankeny, I sat in a circle, I saw 2 people, one walking to the left and one biking to the right,thhe biker crossed the walker and went through the bushes. Then I saw a dog limping out the back of the bushes, and I viker followed, it was dark. I went to my room and suggested that the block meant that the girl did not trust me, I felt it on her because of the way that she did not let me make physical contact with her. I went back to her house and knocked, she wouldnt come out, so I went in, as I went in, she was there, she walk towards me, and I reached to grab her sholders and asked her if she trusted me, startled at the way I lunged forward she said no. and she directed me toward the door, I told her that the block that had been there was her mistrust. And I went out. Now I feel like God has forsaken me, because I put my trust on the fact thatGod was talking through her, and now that she does not trust me I feel as if she has taken from me the God I always yearned. But I prayed, and God told me that I am silly, that He is Almighty and that He answers to those who search forr Him, He told me that my trust should not depend on men, and that He is always True, it is the same God I always pray to, and I am in love with Him. I asked Him why I was so confused, and He told me that it was because I have not thought about how he deals with other people, because when I talk to Him, we usually just talk about us, in my context, but He is everywhere and also responds to other people, and I dont understand how that happens. I am just very glad that He hasnt left me, and I love Him for that. So what now? I ask Him.
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after I woke up that same day...
So yea, I pray, and I try to settle matters, I feel confined, because those around are nuts, and mildly psychotic, (according to Tom Davis’s example of psychosis). Anyways so here I am, what am I to do around such people. I should be considerate, they are really sensitive people who get hurt in play, so I cannot play rough, because they cant handle it, so either I dont get to play, or I must play by their rules, either choice, I never get to do what I want. Hmm, this is really interesting, well I am sure that not everyone here is like this, only those that I have met, I am also probably doing something unreasonable, automatically, myself to cause this kind of behavior in them. So I should be myself, I should. I should, and I do not plan to do otherwise. But there are things that I have to watch from them, cuz they hurt, they hurt me the way they are. The way they dont let me do my things, but I guess I am here for them... maybe. I do have to learn to deal with them. I could slowly try to teach them, but must be extra careful as they are extra sensitive.
So I cut myself and it made me laugh, when I was crying. I really did make me feel better. I can think straighter now. See I think the problem is that I keep seeing my situation as I am the one with the problem and that it is my fault that everyone is scared of me and avoids me. But I think I should change my perspective for a while, and see it as what they are doing wrong, they think that they are badass and have authority to shame me to my face when the only thing I have done is try to make myself comfortable around them because I thought they would accept me as a friend as I am, and the way they react they dont realize how much it really hurts me, I dont want to try to be part of them anymore. I made need friends but I cant satisfy their conditions, and if I try then I automatically get my hopes up which will only cause even more pain in the end. I will just do what they say word for word, no surprises, no natural passion, no real effort... thats if they tell me to. Other than that I will just be myself. I mean, I think they really dont care about what I feel, the way they treat me, just throw me around from here to there when they dont want to deal with me, they just talk to me enough to tell there conscience that they have done their part, but they really dont care about how they make me feel. What kind of friend would one be, that avoids you when ever they feel like you did something wrong, I think a friend would try to settle things, not avoid each other. So they are not my friends, and I dont want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me as one, I do not want to give them the satisfaction of feeling like they are caring people, when they dont really care. And so my heart slowly starts getting filled with dissappointment, with hate. How does one remain courageous in a crowd of cowards?
To my counselor:
thinking about why cutting myself made me laugh,
well its not really cutting myself its more like scratching myself.
Anyways, now that I think about it,
I think it may also be because I make fun of people who cut themselves
when they are sad, and I made fun of myself internally when I was doing it.
Or maybe I was fantasizing on the kinds of thoughts people would have,
and how they would feel.
hmm, if it was the latter, it would make sense how I got the different perspective
on how I now think that they should be more considerate of my emotions.
Gosh, I feel ashamed for being the kind of person who would ask for help
by cutting themselves, I think its a disgrace, to pretend to attempt suicide just to get attention..
but with people who dont want to listen what else can one do I guess.
hmm, I need to figure out if this is true, and what other things I can resort to..
cuz I really think its ridiculous if I am really doing this just to get attention.
well maybe if its a need to express myself, it wouldnt be so bad,
but for the soul purpose of getting attention? I look down on that.
Hmm is there even a difference?
Anyways on the subject of being attracted to the prophesying girl, it was kind of a weird question cuz the thing about me is that I have crush on practically every girl I see, but because of that, I learned that “falling in love” is an emotion that I should disregard, and I try not to make a big deal out of my infatuations. So yes I do have feelings for her, but no, I havent even gotten around to having sexual fantasies about her... not that I remember at the moment at least. I dont know if I do the same thing with guys in a more suppressed manner, hmm, I really dont think so, but hey you never know.
Thats not what I wanted to tell you though... Ill send you another if it comes to mind, hopefully you dont mind too many emails.
HEY! Do you think what I did Monday night was creepy, I am pretty sure there are people that would be “concerned” about my behavior, while worshipping.
------end email
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