July 20, 2011

It is 3:12 in the morning, I have not been able to sleep due to agonizing emotions and thoughts.  I have been in hell for hours. Here is something that worked: next time you think of how much pain you are going through, realize that all of this must be easy stuff if you want to be a worthy man of God, and if you want to earn the name a true child of Reality.

Fooling yourself into looking for a reason to be happy:

In thinking about how anyone could be happy in a state in which the economy is miserable, I knew in the back of my head that it was certainly possible to be happy.  I imagined a respected version of myself with a smile on my face and a persistent glorious attitude.  Then I noticed that I begin to think of reasons why I would be so happy, and the answers flowed in: because I am alive, because even though I cannot find a job, I still have a roof over my head and clothes in stock, food to eat, and too much free time (even though I spend it worrying about getting a job). 

Noticing the processes of my mind, I realized that if I just imagine a possibility, my mind will do its best to make sense of it (if I believe it is sensical to begin with).  And so I realized that by imagining a state in which I am happy, I can “fool” my mind to come up with reasons why I am happy.  Once I find reasons to be happy, it is like realizing that I was happy after all.

                With this in mind, it seems that real life is a lot like a dream in the sense that the things that happen, do so because of the feeling in your actual body.  By it, I also say that “thoughts are the shadows of feelings” (quote used by Alkaline Trio, coined by Nietzsche) and not the other way around.  So that thoughts are inspired by the feelings we have even the thoughts are noted to come before the feeling and the feeling is even understood as being caused by a perception.  This switch in causality is explained by the difference in seeing cheating wife trying to make the most of her life, and a cheating wife being inconsiderate and evil.  One may say that the reason he feels angry is because he saw his wife abuse his trust, but in fact, it is the case that the reason he saw his wife abuse his trust is because it was anticipated by his anger… or else, if the event was anticipated by his compassion, he would have seen his wife taking desperate measures to seek her long lost happiness in life, or to get his attention or something like that.

Forget what people tell you about what the world is like, listen to the world itself.

If you have a goal, you have a reason to put up with stuff; let your goal be to be able to put up with stuff.

                What is the correct way to ensure your happiness?  As long as you know how to remain happy in the present, you will always be happy; in this way, you need nothing to ensure happiness in the future.  Knowing this, I still do not try to be happy.  It would be easier to begin practicing this if I knew that happiness is important, but I am not sure of this.  I would not choose Happiness if it meant giving up Truth.  But I am pretty sure they will turn out to be one and the same; what is the connection between Truth and Happiness? And how can I make sure I do not get lured by ignorant bliss?  I will not seek to secure my happiness until I make sure it will not interfere with my search for Truth.

                I believe that Happiness and Truth are the same thing, but I am cautious of ignorant bliss, I want to make sure that I do not become satisfied with mundane happiness.

                It is so freaking stressful to hold this principle: I do not allow myself to smile, I do not allow myself to any kind of pleasure once I identify it, I deliberately bore myself insane, I do not look for easy solutions for things, I keep myself in the dark when a simple question will get me the a very satisfying answer; all because I know that as I feel happy, it will not be long until I regret allowing myself the luxury of having an answer.  I would have just post-poned the inevitable suffering that my identity necessitates.  I need to let go of this identity, and this may very well involve to let go of what I consider Truth to be.

                Do not underestimate the power of the gods… they’re greatness, though incomplete, is enough to make a mortal think they are whole.  Of these gods, there are many.

July 18, 2011

I wish I had done this a long time ago,
but unfortunately I cannot force my despair.
I have to wait until it grows on its own.

 

“Something happened today, it frustrated me all the way to three years into the past and to a point so far into the future this day was forgotten.  But let’s save time and words and I will only summarize this story into this principle: just another story of how each one of YOU nonchalantly ‘nailed Christ to the cross’.”

I stood outside reflecting on this affliction; I realized that the reason why I held this frustration was because I wanted this story to be told.  I also realized that I could summarize the climaxes of this story into dots of negative energy of varying degrees; kind of like cussing over and over again until you get your point across to others, “I am fucking pist!”  Except, another necessary element is for others to accept your message as legitimate, so you can’t just depend on heavy language.

Then I realized that I do not need to hold on to these dots because they are all over the place, everyone knows about them so I wouldn’t be losing anything.  So I let go, and my rage is gone… that easy. 

(The “dot” metaphor was only used to explain in simpler terms the principles that were maneuvered through my mind for this to happen.  There was no actual “visualizing of rage dots” for this to happen.)

To be able to do these things efficiently and profoundly one has to be in touch with themselves, to be able to know what exactly it is that is bothering them, where the pebble is in their ethereal body and what would make that pebble dissolve.  I think this is why it is important to “listen” to yourself and your body, as one practices this, they also become more proficient in analyzing the activities in their selves and also maneuver different functions.

One who is not in touch with themselves would not know what is wrong with them and continuously turn to not only self-destructive but also counter-productive methods to temporarily relieve the pain that is necessitated by their ideological structure.

In search for grace, 
continuously scorched and trampled by that chemical dragon. 
am definitely not enlightened.

July 11, 2011

Chasing hypothetical spirits.

 

Late at night

I’m on my way to take a walk and think of my next step.  I am trying to get a job these days.  You know, this could become easier with a little magic.  The option is there, but just looking at it makes my dreams crumble; making me realize that it will turn to dust sooner or later. 

If I try to keep alive what is only mortal, I can only extend its sentence.  A death sentence is a death sentence, no matter what you do before it: if someone told you to look at what you may before they erased your memory, you would realize that it does not matter what you look at, because in the end it will be like you never saw it; and what is the value of delaying this event?

I do not go with this option as a sign of accepting what is being allotted to me.  If I put myself in this situation, let my punishment come as it should.  Whether this situation is a result of my ignorance or lack of “luck”, I can only remain with the same type of fortune if I decide to post-pone it.  If I do not let the winds flow, they will wait in place.  I cannot depend on death to liberate me from judgment; judgment is as sure as this world is real; this I can only feel.  If I try to cheat my punishment, I will only be punished more for cheating.  I must remain sincere, and grow valiant to face my fate.  The punishment for fleeing is cowardice, and the punishment for hiding my face is lack of dignity. 

I wish I could write this down, but I feel that whatever comes to me only does so because it is the least important of what I have yet to learn.  The more time I waste writing things down, the longer I have to wait for the best answers to come.

So I was balancing myself on a fallen over cylinder of sort, it rolled and I was not able to stay on it.  As I thought about it I realized that my posture did not allow me to have control, and so I fell off.  But I had this posture for a reason, I just couldn’t remember why.  “This event happened only seconds ago, and you cannot remember this little detail? Do you realize how ineffective your mind is?!”, “It’s only so ineffective because you keep talking to me.”

Accusing myself takes my mind off of the world, what if I try approving of what I do?

As I think about this, I think of a situation that it may not help.  Like if I am “obviously” doing something wrong but approve of it, still.  I must approve of it at all times, in all levels (yea, in all levels… that’s the tricky part).  But I shouldn’t just approve of what I do, but what there is around me, and all that happens.  As I try to feel this, I can feel the grace of that which holds all that there is; and it becomes true, the universe is in God’s hands and therefore, it is perfect.

July 6, 2011

I just saw “The Matrix”, it definitely was not my first time, but it was the first time I analyzed it from Neo’s point of view.  I was watching the scene in which Neo and Trinity go into the matric to rescue Morpheus.  As they are gun fighting the security guards in the buildings I categorize them as “secret agents from an outside realm”, and that is definitely what they are; “Metaphysical Agents”?  Well they should definitely own that label since they do come from a world outside of this “physical world”, but I do not think they quite live up to it.  Especially since they treat the outside world just the same as the matrix world; they are hopelessly lost within the world and have not learned anything from escaping the matrix; they continue to believe that their world is real, no matter which one they are in; they may as well be just as fooled: which is exactly the tendency that Neo goes beyond, and as a result is able to work within the matrix in ways that the others cannot.  What would it be like to be a legitimate “Metaphysical Warrior”?  One would have to be able to manipulate and ascend the physical laws of time, space and everything in between.  It does seem that Neo was the one that was able to live up to at least a bit of this description.  What would it have been like for him?  The concept he had to understand was simple: this matrix and everything that happens here is not real, and it is all under the domain of your mind.  So I imagine how he would have to understand this: as Neo and Trinity were going up the elevator shaft, I imagined all the insecurities and fears I would have; spider webs, bugs, bits of matter hitting my face.  But all these are disregarded, and they should be, because they are all just in the imagination.  A Metaphysical Warrior should not be concerned about such little things; if they get bitten by a deadly spider all they have to do is wake up, in fact it should not even affect them in the real world.  This is what Neo understood, that everything here, everything I see, hear and feel is all just part of my imagination, and under my control; but just like many of the rest of the faculties in my mind, I am not even aware of them and so they appear to have “their own will” when I confront them; just like a cat chases its tail, because it does not feel how it is part of him.  All I have to do is be aware of their connection with me, see how it is part of me.  And so Neo realizes “I am this world” and sees it as this.

Although it is interesting, I consider this Neo process just another method.  Anything that is claimed to be the truth is just another method to reach it.

So I think from this point of view, my mind clears, why?  It feels like since the world is my imagination, there is no need to dwell on my thoughts because the world is my thoughts.  Now that’s fukkin tight.  And being aware becomes as easy as idle thinking.