Hi Im Jimmy, well anyways, I just woke up, I barely did my homework because I couldnt concentrate. I could have tried and opened my mind, or I could have slept. I decided to sleep because its how temptations work. I just woke up and became paranoid enough to conclude and derive, from given evidence, that my roommate has not only been talking gossip about me to my friend in their study group, but also to the people he has met people that know me. Like a friend who asked me this Monday who my roommate was, he acted surprised and said that he had met him yesterday, only time he brought him up. Then we moved on to talk about having girlfriends, and he said that he wanted a girlfriend, and I told him that I wanted to stay single (I mention this because it might mean something later on). I dont know who else he has talked to, and I dont want to mention purely suspicious names because I may be wrong.
Nevertheless, I was focused on this, and my situation and I knew that my mind was closed because I was uneasy, about the situation of course, Im have already had trouble making friends last semester, it was a failure and now my roommate (the trusted roommate, cannot get anymore legitimate information than a roommate) is talking gossip about me, about things that may be true to some extent; but that he obviously emphasizes them so that it seems like I, specially, have a special, problem. Like me being inconsiderate for example, just because I wanted to experiment and keep a hard boiled egg in my room for six months to see what happened, he used that to say that I have consideration problems, and also the fact that I listen to death metal and said some gibberish in my sleep (which I wrote about in october 22, 2009) to say that I have demons and that I get possesed, and that I am really violent (although I cant argue about this because I do like excitement and movement, and contact, and I consider it violent). Anyways, this closed my mind, and I was still closed, concerned, I showered, I try to not bother him while he is asleep (I slept in the lounge by the way), I got in the shower cold, but I was still closed. Time went by then I started thinking about, how I was suppose to treat him nice and not scold him about it, not do anything that would make him look bad or feel bad. But I felt like if I just had to tell at least someone, I planned to tell an WCF Intervarsity staff, I wanted to explain everyything ASAP but also tell him to keep secret, because of what I believe I was suppose to do... In the state of a closed mind, you just focus on one thing. So I tried opening up, the way I looked around, anyways so I thought about how I could use him to make my reputation better, but I didnt like this idea just because of how it sounds (so I didnt go by this). I wondered, why he was doing this, and I had explanations but now I guess my mind was opening up, and I considered what we had talked about, before how I didnt care about my reputation... So here is the general converation, I told him about a prankster on youtube that put up posters of his friend saying he was a pedophile, and I laughed, he said he wasnt funny, I just thought he didnt have a sense of humor, so I told him. He said that if I would like it if my friends did that to me, said that it would depend on their intentions, if their intentions were bad then I would like to know why they have bad intentions, am I doing something wrong (well I didnt even get to explain this much since he really doesnt ever let me finish explaining myself), but if their intentions were to just crack a laugh, then I would laugh it out with them, no matter my situation I would sympathize and try to understand how they felt about my situation, and still be worried about how to take care of it on the side of course, (again I am never able to explain myself to this extent when talking to him). He told me that I had no sense of reality because I was not concerned about my reputation and lectured me on how I should wake up and how I am unreasonable to think like I do, so I told him, “So you are telling me that I should react in a negative way towards my friends?”, he said that I should get new friends because my reputation is really important in life and that I should stay away from anyone who should ruin it and he kept explaining why it was so important. I said that my reputation didnt really matter because there are better thhings in life, and he asked me what it was, and I said God. Or something like that, I remember this he asked me, if there was anything that I cared about that if my friends touched I would not tolerate it, I said it was God, he said I was ridiculous, that something besides that... after a while I slept in the lounge that night, but before he went to bed I went to the room to tell him, “well if my friend had bad intentions I guess I wouldnt tolerate that, because, they wouldnt really be my friends” and he said that every person has that peeve, and that I was not thinking, he said that he would find it, and show it to me or something, he threatened that he would find it. I said ok. So yes and I think that he is trying to prove that reputation does matter, by trying to spread gossip about me. Anyways so my mind is still closed until I thought about being so nice to him that he would feel guilty if he said anything bad, I thought about how everything just seems to flow out of his mouth without thinking about the reasons, which is how he develops so much prejudice about me (of course, based on things he has seen about me... like he always says, in order to point out that his prejudices about me have legitimacy), so maybe I could confuse him and do things that would surprise him... like he always gets surprised, but I would focus on doing things or letting him see that side of me so that whenever he talks about me, these would just stand out and he would feel obligated to say that this is what he has noticed recently, (and these would be things that I do all the time, but just not around him, like reading the bible). And he would feel guilty to say anything bad, this would not be the same thing as using him to improve my reputation, because I am not concerned about what he tells who or when, but I am just concerned that he feel as if who he is used to describing me as a negative person, that he feels that the image he has of me like that is completely innappropriate to who I am. So my mind is still closed to possibilities, but at least it is open enough for me to want to open it up.
“my roommate woke up and saw me typing, he asked me what if I slept out here, I said I didnt really sleep that much because I was working on this paper, he said I was procrastinating, I said not really, he said that I couldnt tell him that I didnt procrastinate if I stayed up doing a paper, I said ok, since I couldnt think of a rebuttle, and didnt really care, he said that I wasnt arguing against him because I knew I couldnt win... I wonder if he is going to use this to make me look bad aand say I have heavy procrastinating issues. The things I forgot to mention was that, this paper is not due until the next day, and I was finishing ahead of time, and I also forgot to mention that I have been writing all this down because of everythhing that has happened, which takes plenty of time, and I did in fact sleep enough... I think.
I remember, I think this is the explanation, when I had such imagination, such purity, such emotions came to me, I remember, when the world was young and wonderful, it was because I was open. My petals were open to take in the rays of reality. I remember when this was, I also remember of times not long in my life, where my life had a color, and a different one, and a different one, though I always felt as if I was in darkness, and only the memories provide the color. I think I have an explanation, it has to do with my imagination, but when I began to learn threats, I close myself up, it is instinctual, in our nature, just like a snail that squeezes into its shell, like a roly poly, that crawls up into a ball. but we have to the last say, that when we have God these threats are as good as illusions, I will free myself, because a life in oppression is not worth living. We die for a moment, we detach ourselves from reality, into one deluded cell, and many live their whole lives in this cell, never to realize that thee walls are fake, that there is a world beyond what you believe, beyond what you have seen or ever felt.
You can try and learn by focus, each thing separately little by little, or you can just know how to do everything, open mind is the advantage, to be in the state of high imagination, you either learn how to do everything, or you could just know everything already, you can either look at things separatel and as you get more you lose as you go, like a spotlight that can only shine on a certain amount of area, as the light moves up there are things that you learn and things you forget... or you can use your imagination, instead of learning and oving the spotlight from place to place you can break the shell and let your light shine no only in one spot. I write all of this down, everything that comes to my mind, all the methods, and the rules, but if my mind was open, there would be no need for a rule book... I would just know, it would just make sense to me.
What I see and what I dont see, what I see what I dont see... I forgot about this one, I think it has to do with the things I notice and dont while open mind and closed mind.
When the spotlight abandons you (episodes of activity that leave you in the middle). Haha kinda like what happened in krystina’s house, or when you by the time you finish making a hot dog you dont want it any more.
The things that we are left wiht, the rules of oour mind that we created in our time of light to use in the darkness... oh this has to do with...gosh.. how you plan for panic, you go over procedures while you are calm so when you panic and cant think, you already know what to do... this is what we do and how we go along our lives, why at times we know whats right and reasonable to do, but we still dont do it,, because we really dont understand it.. we just know that, our more open side told us so.
The sensation of spontaenuity, it is not because its something spontaenuous, it does not have to be unknown. Why do we get this sensation, what does it mean, (I believe it doesnt have to be connected to spontaenuity), but we feel it when our imaginations open up, when our spotlight widens for us to see more of the world we are in, what we see causes this sensation, but this does not mean that the sensation comes from sponaenuity, but that what we see, causes a change in the spotlight, which lets us see something that triggers such sensations, we only call it spontaenous because we are not use to it, because we dont know what is going on, and we dont know what it means or what it is. But here is what it is, it is when the spotligt opens up and we realize a new aspect our world. I believe there is no risk of wearing out this sensation, and the more we open up, the more comprehensive our sensation becomes, therefore, the more we realize=the more we realize. The reason why it “wears out” is because we begin to ignore it, even though we still do the same things that caused it before, but we forget what these things that we do meant for us, this is what we ignore, this aspect that makes the world, but it for sure never wears out, because from my experience, no matter how long you have been somewhere and how well you know and how boring it has become over the years... from my experience, and I tend to play with this alot in my alone time when nobody is watching... you can make anywhere and anything feel as if you are seeing it for the first time, you can imply a meaning in it that makes you wonder, even if its not true, but if you open your mind to anything of these possibilities... there would be the sensation that we look for, our first love, our first kiss, the excitement of holding a specific person’s hand, moving in to a new house when you are five years old, dreaming of a getting away to someplace exotic (even though when you get there, that feeling that you thought it was going to give you is gone.) of getting a new car, your first car, all of this is because you open your mind and you accept the strange new thing. Sometimes you get used to it almost instantly, sometimes you get used to it even before you obtain it, the feeling does not last long, but you can play with yourself and have fun!
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