July 12, 2011

Early in the night.

I am laying down, feeling my blood rush around my body, I only feel tired when I stand on my feet because gravity weighs down on the circulation.

                I’m still thinking about taking that walk; I hesitate to go out the fence.  I try to think of everything as perfect.  When I do, my perfect body becomes separate from the perfect environment; they are two different things. 

                As I am walking back into the house, I think of how this may be a good and productive mental exercise, seeing everything as perfect will probably train my mind to match everything into perfection; the idea certainly does make sense.  But what if I want it to be “awesome” instead?  Or what if I crave a drama or a comedy at the moment…  now I am torn apart.  Great, another block that makes me hesitate to even try.

                As I see the movies on the rack, my mind escapes, into each movie I look at, and yearns to experience each one.  As I think of the world as perfect, it all turns back into a rack of movies; there is not enough time in the world to look at every possible movie anyway. 

                So should it be perfect or awesome? Whatever I may make it, it would only be as great as my mind allows it to be, and nothing more.  What if instead of choosing what it is, what if I just let it be itself.  So instead of “the universe is perfect” or “the universe is awesome”, instead it is “the universe IS!!! (bland)”… and that is why my mind feels it is boring to not judge, because I believe that things without judgment are things without flavor.  I put that “bland” in parenthesis, because I did not anticipate my mind saying that, it just happened automatically.  But it just shows how hard it is to say that “the universe IS…” without saying anything else ahead of it. 

Focus on breathing…

In an attempt to behold as much as possible I found that it may be inefficient “trying to find something” to behold, because as I am scanning to find such an object I am only skipping over and ignoring what passes by.  This movement is not sincere to the goal, so I focus on my breathing and hold on to it as I move out.  If I forget about my breathing then it only guarantees that I am deliberately letting something go.  Distractions are those things that divert me from others.

Hopefully by learning this confusion I will let go of the habit of wandering aimlessly around my mind, making idle each one of my thoughts.

Still, I am not sure how not being distracted by one thing, is supposed to help expand my awareness to other things.  I do know that, not being distracted can mean that I am not being manipulated by desire… maybe this concept can help me understand how it works.

So I found a way to describe my current state:

Everything I do is wrong.  I can’t even read the Bible without feeling like I am wasting my time.  I cannot pray unless I make sure not to ask for anything.  If I do what I want, it is bad; if I do what I think is right, it is wrong.  So I do not let myself do anything basically, and I go through the whole day, trying to figure out a way to free myself from my accusations.  Then, I take a break by doing what I want.  And so it seems like a completely unproductive day, where besides doing nothing, the only other thing I do is whatever the hell I want.

February 18, 2010

Today, well yesterday, I gave a friend I just met a massage, and then she massaged me and then I couldnt believe it because of all the changes been happening and stuff, idk.  Then I kissed her.  I had invited her to my room and it was very cool.  I typically do not do stuff like this never happens, though I want it to, but now it happened, and its because of what I have been thinking.

So in thinking about acceptance and love, I wonder why certain things never happen and realize that because even if they did happen I wouldnt accept themm because I have no love, the laws I have, the things I think that should not happen in life are all preventing things from being manifested; though life, would naturally bring about them.  So my theory is that absolutely everything is happening every moment and every moment exists everything, I mean absolutely everything that you can imagine happening, is happening, absolutely every moment, absolutely everywhere; but we dont accept them, and forget them we decide that they dont exist.  And so I am trying to love, open myself up to possibilities.  I am throwing away my beliefs of how the world should be, and therefore getting rid of the fears of my laws being broken.

I was thinking one night about multiple personality disorder works, each personality only remembers the memories of their personality.  So I was thinking, if everything that could ever happen is happening this moment, why dont I remember the other things that are happening? Because I dont accept them... well how come I only remember this one world (with its laws), that I am in right now? Why cant I only remember the world and laws of some other place? Why does it have to be this one?  Why does it feel like I am stuck in this universe with earth the sun, the Bible and all these things? You are indeed in other universes as well, but you only remember them when you are on them, so even thought it seems as if you are stuck in this one, when you are in the other universes, to them it seems as if they were stuck on those.

So basically, my world is made up of my beliefs, the reason why anything is anything is because I dont accept anything else.  The reason why it seems that people get angry and dont understand what I am talking about, and how amazing life is and how important love is, is because I have not accepted that they actually do understand it.  It is all in my head, it is like I am in a perfect world, I am already in heaven, but sin is in my mind, so that the world seems corrupted.  So who are these people?  These people I see every day? What are they? Are they real?  Them and there actions are one of the infinite possibilities of the God, these people I see everyday, and I see them the next day, and there actions, they exist because this is the only possibilities of infinity that I accept;  if it happened to be that I saw any more of their infinite reality, I have already forgotten.

So what is the physical world, is it real?  The physical world and everything in it, is obviously real; but there are more real things, more worlds that I do not accept because of my sin. 

I had this idea that when someone dies, they become perfect, because of the inevitable love, or something, anyways so if I became perfect (if I opened up completely and saw the infinite and the infinite worlds and how everybody really) is where would I be? I would be in this world, awakened... but what would happen to all these people that do not seem to be awake like me? Well you would see how they are indeed perfectly awake, but lets say that these people are like you now that do not see the perfect and they would be “stuck” in this world, just like even though you are perfect, you dont realize it because you dont accept it.  anyways the point I am trying to make is that if people had closed minds about the possibility of me becoming perfect, they would only see that I am not or that I have died and in that sense I would leave them behind.  Even though they are all in heaven and perfect, yes we are all in perfection, but our eyes are closed, the kingdom is among us, but we do not see it. nb