October 25, 2009

In the dish room, the only place where I can blast my favorite music... “mind if I put on the radio?” he said.  And it broke my heart, I told him he could, and hid my disappointment. 

Now I am blind, closed minded, focused on this threat, how can something so simple, make me this sad?  Just because they dont like my music; like I always say, its not the action, but what it means, it means that there is no where now where I can play my music, where I can express who I am, it means that I was wrong again in thinking that I would be accepted, it means that these picky people only accept from me what they like but once they see something they dont like they pretend to still be nice, when they are really brats. 

But why does it bother me that they only accept some things of me but not the rest, im sure i have done this before with others, just like I like girls to kiss them but not marry them.  This is a problem for those who think that a kiss means marriage.  And the radio was a problem for me that thought that progressive metal meant experimental.  But its because this girl perceived an act of love as love altogether, and I perceived a type of music to the rest of my weird music.  I wasnt ready to be rejected, I didnt think it would be, I was concerned about it though, and there it was.  So now I wonder it can happen again, and I dont want it to happen again.

But these changes, they are not suppose to upset me and close my mind... Im suppose to drift along with them, as if dancing to a new song.

I have arms, but I cant do anything with them (I dont know how to use them for), I CANT DO ANYTHING WITH MY ARMS, (I remember how I used them before to make someone happy), now there is nothing I can do with them, I cant see, I cant see what I can do with them, I cant walk I dont know how to use my legs... I want to see, I want to see the possibilities, but I am blind.  How do I open up my eyes? How do I realize I am alive?  How do I realize who You are? How do I realize that I am an angel, and that I have wings to even fly?  Im stuck in one world, how do I get out?

And so I wrestled with the thoughts, I thought of it as something that comes and goes, I thought of myself, picking up on an inspiration, but then coming back to this, and lwaving the inspired person I was behind, leaving those who met me confused, so that the plans I had, that I loved, were so easily thrown away.  This reminded me of one of my ex's, once inspired, then like nothing, like dead.  Maybe when I did the spell on her, to waken her, it made her demon pass on to me.  How considerate of me, now who would I give it to? It must make a really nice trick to torment someone as I am tormented, no... but who would be nice to take it from me, what if I asked a Intervarsity staff person to take it?  So that made me wonder how things like this can be contagious... Now I thought of my torment as a demon, “I will not give you to anyone” I told it, “I will destroy you myself”.  We wrestled, or my body just writhed, I laughed, as if it was him speaking, a deep laughter, then a more scratchy one.  I layed there just thinking... then I thought, no I have to take care of this guy, “cmon..” so I engaged in it again, writhed, then we laughed, the wrestling reminded me of rough play... I like rough play, so he said out loud, “lets be friends”, and I said concerned, “yes, lets try that”  I looked toward God, and He gave me the thumbs up... trying something new is good. 

I think though, that being friends with it, means living with prejudice... ugh, its not what I want, God help please.

Maybe I am suppose to litterally look around and pay attention to things to get back my sight, think of one thing then another then another, and make this and that, and so I thats kind of what I did, then I did this and that and went here and there and so...