lingering fear

File Location: My Words/Completion (What we know)/Achieving Awareness/Methodology/Explore/Objects/lingering fear

Even  if you dont know that there is a problem, it always still exists, why should your mood change when you find out about it? Or why should your lifestyle change when an idea pops into your mind?

When you dont believe one, they may always lie,

I make up stories in my life that I forget to remember that they are just stories, I am not talking abot things I have done, but what people think of me,  I forgetr that I really cant rread minds.

There are things, with tapping I get rid of unreasonable conclusions, things that I should not always make a connection of caution but that I always do, like when I think that a girl is not going to like up front approach.  Because when I was in second grade, the first time I asked a girl that I actually liked to be my girlfriend, she slapped me.  And so because of her fault I am always concerned about this reaction of rejection.  Even though there has been times when it is obvious that this will not happen.  So I tap it away and what happens?   

Will I do the same mistake now? No, it gets rid of the bad mood so that I not only see a broader perspective with more possibilities (and not only focus on that one possible negative outcome) 

What if the grudges I hold on people are only just this? They are only unreasonable cautions I take, like sarcasm, invalid exaggerated beliefs that are perceived from their first impression.  And tapping away this caution, this mood of d tunneled focus on the danger makes you ignore the possibilities of giving the person a second chance, or accepting them for who they are (someone that rejects you, “even if you reject me, my arms are open for you” is a ridiculous but utterly beautiful state).

So when you get rid of these cautions, what are you left to do? Whatever is left... but what if you get it wrong? Well thats what you need to observe, and this is what it means to be open minded, to take risks, and be open and ready to deal with whatever random results come out.  But seriously, you want the best? Or something right?  But you are always afraid to move freely because of fear, because of your caution following you along.

I think the best way to deal with this is that once you have decided that it does not matter the thing that you are afraid of, whatever is meant to hold you back or whatever it is that you must be cautious about; once you have weighed the risks and opportunities, you shall let go of the fear.  Once you decide, decide with your whole being, let nothing pull you the other way.  Be free of your concern, but sometimes, no matter what you have decided or the plan you have, you still feel anxious, you still feel scared when you know for sure that you wont be touched, what is this?

So I never used to have “bad days” or “one of those days”, but now I do.  What constitutes “one of those days”?  well the way I feel it these days, is because I focus on the bad things, or I believe more of the bad possibilities, I act according  to those things because I believe them more.  Well before I used to ignore the possibility of people not liking me, because I knew that if they existed I had nothing to do with them, but now it concerns me that my friends, the poeple that I deal with daily, that they may those that want to reject me, and I have no tolerance for people who want to reject me, but now every now and then (most of the time) I am conscious of the possibility that everyone I meet is one of those people that reject me.  I get suspicious, because they hide, I get paranoid because those that I thought I was cool with, and that I asked for a problem and they confirmed with a no; well, when I found out I was accused, for random reasons, by random people, I generalized what the problem might have been and where it was placed.  So I thought the problem was my behavior in general and by people in general, and everytime I saw someone, I made them part of the general automatically.  In my bad days, I impose this possibility of identity on everyone, I suspect everyone, and I trust no one.  And what constitutes my bad days is that I focus on this possibility.  On none bad days, I either ignore it or I consider other possibilities.  To raise awareness it is not my goal to ignore, but to consider more possibilities.  What this would feel like, to consider more possibilities instead of ignoring the bad ones, is that if I remember the bad possibility, it would not affect me because O had already been considering it.   This has happened before, but I forget, this says that you can be happy and still be in a “bad” tunnel vision mood, the way this would be reflected is that one gets irritated easily, by something that they had already dealt with before... maybe, but here is the picture:  When you have a wide perspective and you are happy, you are considering the good and the bad, so when the bad comes into mind, its okay because you were already considering it.  Now when you have narrow perspective and are happy, this means you are looking at the good, and when something bad comes up, you focus solely on it, and this makes you easy tempered.   The goal of awareness is the former, but also the goal of awareness is the latter because you need to experience ignorance sometimes.  You can do this by imagination, and remember the only way you can focus narrowly on two things at the same time is to widen your scope (maybe, of course).  So the solutions seems to be to think, think think think think think think think.  And of random many things, all the time, all the time some more.

So what am I going to do about these bad days?

SO I must think and think some more of many different things, when I see sommeone, I dont just go by the immediate impression but I look at all the other infinite interpretations it may have, ( and what is the weakness in this?)  But even when I know its not true or that it may not be true, I still FOCUS on the bad... why?  I think it is because (this again!?!) I am afraid of the same outcome, and of not going to a diffeerent world with a different outcome (yes that would totally go against my fundemental aspirations).  But in the end it is more sure that it is because I am afraid.  So what do I do? I go back and interprate it in many other possible ways! Whatever went wrong before that made me focus on this “negative” outcome, it is because I received an immediate interpretation, and now, I must go back and interpret that same in many other different ways.  And if it needs more effort, I even need to FOCUS on something other  than what I typically have.. CMON!! All of this is clearly stated in the initial statements!!.

So how do I focus? If it turns out that I need to? My guess is to just practice looking at it. Memorize, by repetition, or by association and meaning.

So when I focus on something, this does not mean hard exclusion of all other possibilities.  You just ignore the ideas that come to you; those thoughts that never get manifested, expressed, or even considered, they disappear, they leave and you dot get to catch them because they are outside of your focus.  Of course sometimes you dont even sensse them, but the first of steps thatyou must take is to at least consider the ones that at least you sense, to express them, and to make them real in the outseide world, for everyone to see (it is the meaning of existence through expression).

Still, how do I consider the bad ones without feeling bad? How do you focus on the good one?

What ever bad or good is to you you are suppose to remember the root of it all: that all of this may not be real that it is all composed o assumptions, and that you are only working for the increase of awareness, that things may always go wrong but you can always try again, that even the difference between life and death are in question so in the end, all of this is like a game, with no score being kept, this means that you are free from condemnation, from being heeld down, the judging that you get from these “externals” is only an illusion because even if they are just like you they have no right to judge.

The problem is that you can believe this, but you stilll may not feel it being real.  Maybe not being able to feel it means that you will forget because you havent wondered about and considered all the infinity that this, in fact, covers... it covers every situation, but you need to consider how it covers it all. 

NOW CONSIDER... (not in the mood right now) (WHY!!?!? Answer MEE!!!)... not right now

The way you get rid of the focus... maybe you could focus on somehting else, but you would still be focusing, even if you ocus on the good things.  What needs to be changed is not the situation but the way that you look at it.  Its strange how it feels, and I cant really identify the element that I am dealing with.  But its something like this:  I am alone, I dont like how I am alone, I am focused on how I am alone and how I dont like it, so I change my mind to think of the good things of being alone; I get to do my own stuff, but then I realize that I am always alone... dam, I dont know where this is going... oh right, one aspect of considering, is considering the possibilities: maybe I am alone because no one likes me, or because everyone is thinking about me, because they are afraid of me, or because they are making me a surprise.  But all of these possibilities fall within the world, the setup, the backround that it is a shameful thing to not have any friends, so you have to take a look at the world with a different system, you have to change the way you feel about things and consider other “overall colors”.  I could consider the fact that even though I am alone, it doesnt matter if people like me or not because they will always exist.

There are things that I am not willing to accept because everybody else accepts them, it is like I wont be doing anythinng different by accepting them, like I  would die... and in a way I would because I would be blending in, making my existence nothing significant.  I am not willing to accpet some things for this fact, and these are the things that i have not considered.  Because I want to live like no one lives, because I feel that if everybody else is doing it, why the hell should I do it (and this conclusion goes way back to the heart of my childhood), I always wanted to be different (in considered aspects at least).  And this is really hard for me to consider these things because to me it means that I have to learn to be a follower, I have to learn to not stand out and be okay with it, I have to learn to give up my life, to give up my opportunity to exist.  And this is something that I have been considering since I dont know when, probably in highschool that I realized how it annoyed me that I didnt do something extreme or when I didnt give a compliment to a  lonely girl, when she goes through that everyday probably, so she is used to it, and I am here beating myself up thinking of how I am not making a difference in her life when there a whole bunch of billion girls out there that go throught the same thing, why doesnt it bother me that they exist and that I am not there for them, why am I so focused on this one, and the way I made her life like how it is everyday, like a whole bunch of girls life is everyday. It happens all the time, why am I so concerned about my failure?!?!  It is because my goal is to spring life up from what seems to be nothing, to create believers to raise awareness, and because I have a goal, I have a failure, because I have a goal, I have a duty, I am bound to it, and so I am not free.  I must learn though, I have to realize that I am free with my imagination. With my imagination I can go places and not be in them, I can understand things without being part of them.  Which is what I am suppose to understand ignorance, with memory (actual events are more legitamate than) and imagination.

I guess the way I take care of this

There is this kid from cinco de mayo event, he pretended that he didnt know me when I saw him at church, it most likely wasnt that he was ashamed or afraid, but he needed to satisfy an identity.  Its not something that has an explanation or reason, but a mode, like a work of art, that when you ask, why would you make the events lead to this, all you gotta say is, “thats life”. And look into the horizon with contemplative eyes... anyways, to satisfy a mode rather than reason, this is still not a sacrifice to the unknown, you are sarificing to the mode.  But what is the mode, can it really not be explained? So where does it come from? 

It is something that you want to satisfy, like to be able to put the part of your life in a motion picture artwork.

And is this the worlds with rules that can only be explained with poetry? How does it makes sense, the colors and the intended emotions.  What do my worlds mean? What is the point goal of each impression?  Could it be that no matter what it is, it is good because it wakes in us a certain inspiration, a certain rule to live by that in the end it wakes us up from our previous world, that we were numb to, our previous world where we used to slumber. 

But there are times that even when something external inspires us to view the world in a different way, we forget inspiration.  Like when we want a burger, because we see it in the commercial and it looks like it would make us rugged, or some fancy character, like it would satisfy a desired identity, and so we buy it to obtain the portrayed identity, the emotion, that mode.  But when we have it in the hands, we never satisfy the mode, we forget our motive and we vulgarily eat the burger, leaving our mode unsatisfied, leaving us confused of what we really wanted.  So when we eat food, (when we do anything), we are suppose to enjoy it in the world that it calls for, we are suppose to make love to it, enjoy every aspect of it, everything we can think of, we are suppose to see how perfect it is, this moment, with this warm bun, how fresh the lettuce, the juicy tomatoes and the melted cheese on the sizzling patty.  In such a perfect moment, it just had to be fate that lead you to have this meal in front of you, right when you are ready to relax, and just make love to this moment.  So when we do anything we do it for the honor and glory of God, we enjoy the life of of it, and how perfect it is, let us be inspireed by everything around us, the beauty the irony that we are  used to ignoring, leaving it unsatisfied, leaving us confused, when we sensed that that there was something missing in our actions, something that left you wanting a burger even though you had already eaten it, there is something that you didnt satisfy, it was this mode, this artwork. 

So what do these modes mean? What do they have to do with moods and wide perception of possibilities?

I think that the modes you see, you have more easier access to them when  you have a wider perception of styles.  I mean modes are also things you need to consider, when you take more into consideration, more aspects, more perspectives.

But there is still a question left unanswered, what composes a mode and how can it be explained?

THEY COME FROM the PAST!! The connections of the emotions with past events!!  How you have felt about things before they are reflected in what happens now.  The way you reacted to things before now you react to them in the same way (more or less).  They make you feel the same thing, but things are combined and mixed giving you mixed emotions and inspirations.

So why would you want to reset these emotions? Because you are suppose to look for more and multiple interpretations of things, and you cant do this if you constantly believe and live by one of them.  I love death metal because I feel like it takes me to heaven, a sound so full of expression, so full of energy, so divine, it represents everything you are ssuppose to do in life.  My roommate hates it, and kind it is still important for me to understand how and why he hates it, and probably evenn feel it.  I want to say that I dont have to remove my  interpretatio of it and just imagine other aspects, I want to say that I dont have to reset my system, to accomplish awareness and to realize other interpretations.  But in the end duty is duty, I want to understand.  I just wish I could guarantee opening up to it the same way again, if I ever decide to reset it.

So once I reset it, I would start of with a clean slate, what I feel now will have nothing to do with these past experiences? So what do I base it on? Or how do I make sense of anything that happens in life when I am all resetted?  I guess I make sense of them with other emotions that I have not triggered for reset.  Like instead of listening to death metal on the base of what metal sounds like,  I would only hear screaming with rugged sounding instruments, and ridiculously rapid beats too fast to follow.  And if I would reset everything?  So that I would not connect sounds and pitch patterns with emotions anymore?  I would be  like a newborn,  where would my emotions come from?  What kinds of things would summon what emotions?

How does it all start?

Does anger and fear, and happiness and comfort, really have any connection or correlation with rejection and acceptance? Can one feel angry and still feel the Joy of inspiration, can one fear and still see the beauty of their situation?  Can one be happy and still be depressed, can one be comfortable and yet be unsatisfied left empty?

What is the element that closes one up to a focus narrowed down perspective, when one could fear without losing sight of the beauty of the ugly?  Why, then, do we close up to one or less interpretations? 

Some emotions make sense he says; I say that they only make sense because we are use to them, and we are use to them just because we do them all the time. And whatever...

Anyways, the only thing I can think of to convince myself that possibilities are endless is start of with myself and use myself as an example.  Whatever I want, do the opposite, start of with immediate things.and stuff.

And when they say that the more you think about happy thoughts, the more you attract them, its true in a way.  Is not that you attract them like a magnet or that the happy ideas like you  and so they follow you around, but you are more bound to accept them because you know what they look like (because you think of how they look) and you know how to identify them and whatever leads to them.  But I am sure there is also the subconscious level which I dont know how to explain other than your habit of attraction becomes second nature that you subconsciously choose them.

To take off my focus out of this one possibility I have to believe and feel the reality, the fact that this one possibility is NOT real,  I must convince myself of it,  and then my mind will start searching for new possibilities to focus on, and even though my previous focus is still a possibility, it should feel kind of irrational.   

I have to convince myself that it is not real, and am I not good at convincing?

So in my every day routine... well Im not suppose to have one, but I am suppose to get constantly inspired to do everything I do, that way I dont lose spirit, and I dont forget why I am doing all of this, and why it all matters, and I get used to getting inspired everyday.

So what is this lingering fear? That it makes me worry?  Why am I worried and why does it stick? Why wont it go away?  I think that the reason we worry is because we yearn for an opportunity to solve the problem, we yearn for a posssibility.  We are concerned because if we are not worrying, we may forget, and so the problem will not get solved.  So how would you replace worry, for an actual solution?  You make sure that you are always aware of the opportunities to set things straight, whenever you get a chance to improve, take it, that way you wont have to focus on one particular state, leaving you to concentrate intently.  Instead, just be aware that when anything comes, youll accept it.