July 19, 2011

Becoming the Archetype:  It is a method that focuses on not being dissatisfied; dissatisfaction implies yearning, which implies having an archetype.  This is an attempt to get rid of the unreachable archetype by being what I am, flaws and everything, the point is to check myself whenever I begin to yearn, but not blame myself when I fail, but accept my failure, as if it was the archetype.

Whenever I move, my world becomes smaller.  It’s the effect of responding to temptation; the more you respond to exclusivity, the more exclusive you become.  Swatting away bugs, scratching itches, the twitches of the eye, the thinking from one thought to another, the shifts of focus… they are all responses to temptation, they are all rejection of the present state.  That is why, one learns by focusing on their breathing, and nothing more.  By doing this they expand, by accepting their world they see more of it; so now they do not have to look behind themselves to know what is there. 

When practicing this, I always ask myself, “If I am not suppose to move or think (because it would mean I am responding to temptation) then when do I move and how does one think?”  The answer to this is: you move when the option of moving does not lure you away from where you are any longer; you move when movement is no longer inspired by temptation.  You move when moving no longer costs you the focus that you had on your breathing.

July 18, 2011

I wish I had done this a long time ago,
but unfortunately I cannot force my despair.
I have to wait until it grows on its own.

 

“Something happened today, it frustrated me all the way to three years into the past and to a point so far into the future this day was forgotten.  But let’s save time and words and I will only summarize this story into this principle: just another story of how each one of YOU nonchalantly ‘nailed Christ to the cross’.”

I stood outside reflecting on this affliction; I realized that the reason why I held this frustration was because I wanted this story to be told.  I also realized that I could summarize the climaxes of this story into dots of negative energy of varying degrees; kind of like cussing over and over again until you get your point across to others, “I am fucking pist!”  Except, another necessary element is for others to accept your message as legitimate, so you can’t just depend on heavy language.

Then I realized that I do not need to hold on to these dots because they are all over the place, everyone knows about them so I wouldn’t be losing anything.  So I let go, and my rage is gone… that easy. 

(The “dot” metaphor was only used to explain in simpler terms the principles that were maneuvered through my mind for this to happen.  There was no actual “visualizing of rage dots” for this to happen.)

To be able to do these things efficiently and profoundly one has to be in touch with themselves, to be able to know what exactly it is that is bothering them, where the pebble is in their ethereal body and what would make that pebble dissolve.  I think this is why it is important to “listen” to yourself and your body, as one practices this, they also become more proficient in analyzing the activities in their selves and also maneuver different functions.

One who is not in touch with themselves would not know what is wrong with them and continuously turn to not only self-destructive but also counter-productive methods to temporarily relieve the pain that is necessitated by their ideological structure.

In search for grace, 
continuously scorched and trampled by that chemical dragon. 
am definitely not enlightened.

July 13, 2011

Laying down again, I think I am onto something… that I let go of.  It had something to do with closing a circle and letting it go: like finding out that finding out is a waste of time (not really, but similar structure).

As I am trying to remember it, it certainly does not feel if this is the final answer; but if I learned anything from my experiences is that feelings are irrelevant to the value of the answer, and that fate can change as quickly as one changes his mind, with only as much weight as a decision.

July 12, 2011

Early in the night.

I am laying down, feeling my blood rush around my body, I only feel tired when I stand on my feet because gravity weighs down on the circulation.

                I’m still thinking about taking that walk; I hesitate to go out the fence.  I try to think of everything as perfect.  When I do, my perfect body becomes separate from the perfect environment; they are two different things. 

                As I am walking back into the house, I think of how this may be a good and productive mental exercise, seeing everything as perfect will probably train my mind to match everything into perfection; the idea certainly does make sense.  But what if I want it to be “awesome” instead?  Or what if I crave a drama or a comedy at the moment…  now I am torn apart.  Great, another block that makes me hesitate to even try.

                As I see the movies on the rack, my mind escapes, into each movie I look at, and yearns to experience each one.  As I think of the world as perfect, it all turns back into a rack of movies; there is not enough time in the world to look at every possible movie anyway. 

                So should it be perfect or awesome? Whatever I may make it, it would only be as great as my mind allows it to be, and nothing more.  What if instead of choosing what it is, what if I just let it be itself.  So instead of “the universe is perfect” or “the universe is awesome”, instead it is “the universe IS!!! (bland)”… and that is why my mind feels it is boring to not judge, because I believe that things without judgment are things without flavor.  I put that “bland” in parenthesis, because I did not anticipate my mind saying that, it just happened automatically.  But it just shows how hard it is to say that “the universe IS…” without saying anything else ahead of it. 

Focus on breathing…

In an attempt to behold as much as possible I found that it may be inefficient “trying to find something” to behold, because as I am scanning to find such an object I am only skipping over and ignoring what passes by.  This movement is not sincere to the goal, so I focus on my breathing and hold on to it as I move out.  If I forget about my breathing then it only guarantees that I am deliberately letting something go.  Distractions are those things that divert me from others.

Hopefully by learning this confusion I will let go of the habit of wandering aimlessly around my mind, making idle each one of my thoughts.

Still, I am not sure how not being distracted by one thing, is supposed to help expand my awareness to other things.  I do know that, not being distracted can mean that I am not being manipulated by desire… maybe this concept can help me understand how it works.

So I found a way to describe my current state:

Everything I do is wrong.  I can’t even read the Bible without feeling like I am wasting my time.  I cannot pray unless I make sure not to ask for anything.  If I do what I want, it is bad; if I do what I think is right, it is wrong.  So I do not let myself do anything basically, and I go through the whole day, trying to figure out a way to free myself from my accusations.  Then, I take a break by doing what I want.  And so it seems like a completely unproductive day, where besides doing nothing, the only other thing I do is whatever the hell I want.

July 11, 2011

Chasing hypothetical spirits.

 

Late at night

I’m on my way to take a walk and think of my next step.  I am trying to get a job these days.  You know, this could become easier with a little magic.  The option is there, but just looking at it makes my dreams crumble; making me realize that it will turn to dust sooner or later. 

If I try to keep alive what is only mortal, I can only extend its sentence.  A death sentence is a death sentence, no matter what you do before it: if someone told you to look at what you may before they erased your memory, you would realize that it does not matter what you look at, because in the end it will be like you never saw it; and what is the value of delaying this event?

I do not go with this option as a sign of accepting what is being allotted to me.  If I put myself in this situation, let my punishment come as it should.  Whether this situation is a result of my ignorance or lack of “luck”, I can only remain with the same type of fortune if I decide to post-pone it.  If I do not let the winds flow, they will wait in place.  I cannot depend on death to liberate me from judgment; judgment is as sure as this world is real; this I can only feel.  If I try to cheat my punishment, I will only be punished more for cheating.  I must remain sincere, and grow valiant to face my fate.  The punishment for fleeing is cowardice, and the punishment for hiding my face is lack of dignity. 

I wish I could write this down, but I feel that whatever comes to me only does so because it is the least important of what I have yet to learn.  The more time I waste writing things down, the longer I have to wait for the best answers to come.

So I was balancing myself on a fallen over cylinder of sort, it rolled and I was not able to stay on it.  As I thought about it I realized that my posture did not allow me to have control, and so I fell off.  But I had this posture for a reason, I just couldn’t remember why.  “This event happened only seconds ago, and you cannot remember this little detail? Do you realize how ineffective your mind is?!”, “It’s only so ineffective because you keep talking to me.”

Accusing myself takes my mind off of the world, what if I try approving of what I do?

As I think about this, I think of a situation that it may not help.  Like if I am “obviously” doing something wrong but approve of it, still.  I must approve of it at all times, in all levels (yea, in all levels… that’s the tricky part).  But I shouldn’t just approve of what I do, but what there is around me, and all that happens.  As I try to feel this, I can feel the grace of that which holds all that there is; and it becomes true, the universe is in God’s hands and therefore, it is perfect.