July 12, 2011

Early in the night.

I am laying down, feeling my blood rush around my body, I only feel tired when I stand on my feet because gravity weighs down on the circulation.

                I’m still thinking about taking that walk; I hesitate to go out the fence.  I try to think of everything as perfect.  When I do, my perfect body becomes separate from the perfect environment; they are two different things. 

                As I am walking back into the house, I think of how this may be a good and productive mental exercise, seeing everything as perfect will probably train my mind to match everything into perfection; the idea certainly does make sense.  But what if I want it to be “awesome” instead?  Or what if I crave a drama or a comedy at the moment…  now I am torn apart.  Great, another block that makes me hesitate to even try.

                As I see the movies on the rack, my mind escapes, into each movie I look at, and yearns to experience each one.  As I think of the world as perfect, it all turns back into a rack of movies; there is not enough time in the world to look at every possible movie anyway. 

                So should it be perfect or awesome? Whatever I may make it, it would only be as great as my mind allows it to be, and nothing more.  What if instead of choosing what it is, what if I just let it be itself.  So instead of “the universe is perfect” or “the universe is awesome”, instead it is “the universe IS!!! (bland)”… and that is why my mind feels it is boring to not judge, because I believe that things without judgment are things without flavor.  I put that “bland” in parenthesis, because I did not anticipate my mind saying that, it just happened automatically.  But it just shows how hard it is to say that “the universe IS…” without saying anything else ahead of it. 

Focus on breathing…

In an attempt to behold as much as possible I found that it may be inefficient “trying to find something” to behold, because as I am scanning to find such an object I am only skipping over and ignoring what passes by.  This movement is not sincere to the goal, so I focus on my breathing and hold on to it as I move out.  If I forget about my breathing then it only guarantees that I am deliberately letting something go.  Distractions are those things that divert me from others.

Hopefully by learning this confusion I will let go of the habit of wandering aimlessly around my mind, making idle each one of my thoughts.

Still, I am not sure how not being distracted by one thing, is supposed to help expand my awareness to other things.  I do know that, not being distracted can mean that I am not being manipulated by desire… maybe this concept can help me understand how it works.

So I found a way to describe my current state:

Everything I do is wrong.  I can’t even read the Bible without feeling like I am wasting my time.  I cannot pray unless I make sure not to ask for anything.  If I do what I want, it is bad; if I do what I think is right, it is wrong.  So I do not let myself do anything basically, and I go through the whole day, trying to figure out a way to free myself from my accusations.  Then, I take a break by doing what I want.  And so it seems like a completely unproductive day, where besides doing nothing, the only other thing I do is whatever the hell I want.

July 5, 2011

The only reason why other people always seem happier is because you cannot hear their thoughts.  

It’s 3:00 a.m. and I am a little concerned about gaining weight; well, I am getting a little fatter but, I am not too concerned about it.  I have just been wishing that I was more physically able, like I used to be.  I am lying on the couch, ready to sleep.   I have that sensation I used to have those wonderful summer nights, back in high school after I had made that sacrifice.  Those heavenly nights I would lay in bed with a bowl of ice to rub against my body, with AFI playing and with the night sky in my head.  I was fit back then, and now I feel the same way for some reason.  I have been yearning to feel like that, and now I realize that this feeling did not come because I had a good body, but because I could feel my body, just like I am feeling my body right now.  If this is all I have to do to feel able then I am off to use my body.  I am now healthy again.

So I went outside to reach towards the sky, and the more I felt my body and my surroundings, the more real I felt.  I realized that this is what I yearned for; to be real, just like my fantasies.  Whenever I yearn for a far away world, or to be full of life and splendor, I am actually just looking for this, to quiet my mind.  Maybe the concepts just get mixed up because being in a far away fantasy wakes up my attention, but I do not want the far away fantasy, I just want to wake up.  We are animalistic when we use outside objectives to quiet our mind, the outside objectives are not necessary though; and though they may clear our mind once, it does not mean that they will always liberate us.  Being rich does not secure one’s happiness, having sex does not make one’s dreams  come true, having security in life does not get rid of one’s fear.  Securing one’s happiness, secures one’s happiness, making dreams come true makes dreams come true, getting rid of fear gets rid of fear; but how does one go about doing these things?  By doing them, any other objective is unnecessary; there is nothing “in the way”, and there is no “road” to it.

I think it was yesterday I begin to address the present as “what I need to be satisfied with”; and if I can’t do it I say, “well, this is it”.  I try to not think of anything else or yearn for “better challenges”.  When I succeed in doing this it makes me feel accomplished and stable.  Nothing else comes from it, and I do not know how it should, yet.  But I do not think being concerned about it, will help any.