February 18, 2010

Today, well yesterday, I gave a friend I just met a massage, and then she massaged me and then I couldnt believe it because of all the changes been happening and stuff, idk.  Then I kissed her.  I had invited her to my room and it was very cool.  I typically do not do stuff like this never happens, though I want it to, but now it happened, and its because of what I have been thinking.

So in thinking about acceptance and love, I wonder why certain things never happen and realize that because even if they did happen I wouldnt accept themm because I have no love, the laws I have, the things I think that should not happen in life are all preventing things from being manifested; though life, would naturally bring about them.  So my theory is that absolutely everything is happening every moment and every moment exists everything, I mean absolutely everything that you can imagine happening, is happening, absolutely every moment, absolutely everywhere; but we dont accept them, and forget them we decide that they dont exist.  And so I am trying to love, open myself up to possibilities.  I am throwing away my beliefs of how the world should be, and therefore getting rid of the fears of my laws being broken.

I was thinking one night about multiple personality disorder works, each personality only remembers the memories of their personality.  So I was thinking, if everything that could ever happen is happening this moment, why dont I remember the other things that are happening? Because I dont accept them... well how come I only remember this one world (with its laws), that I am in right now? Why cant I only remember the world and laws of some other place? Why does it have to be this one?  Why does it feel like I am stuck in this universe with earth the sun, the Bible and all these things? You are indeed in other universes as well, but you only remember them when you are on them, so even thought it seems as if you are stuck in this one, when you are in the other universes, to them it seems as if they were stuck on those.

So basically, my world is made up of my beliefs, the reason why anything is anything is because I dont accept anything else.  The reason why it seems that people get angry and dont understand what I am talking about, and how amazing life is and how important love is, is because I have not accepted that they actually do understand it.  It is all in my head, it is like I am in a perfect world, I am already in heaven, but sin is in my mind, so that the world seems corrupted.  So who are these people?  These people I see every day? What are they? Are they real?  Them and there actions are one of the infinite possibilities of the God, these people I see everyday, and I see them the next day, and there actions, they exist because this is the only possibilities of infinity that I accept;  if it happened to be that I saw any more of their infinite reality, I have already forgotten.

So what is the physical world, is it real?  The physical world and everything in it, is obviously real; but there are more real things, more worlds that I do not accept because of my sin. 

I had this idea that when someone dies, they become perfect, because of the inevitable love, or something, anyways so if I became perfect (if I opened up completely and saw the infinite and the infinite worlds and how everybody really) is where would I be? I would be in this world, awakened... but what would happen to all these people that do not seem to be awake like me? Well you would see how they are indeed perfectly awake, but lets say that these people are like you now that do not see the perfect and they would be “stuck” in this world, just like even though you are perfect, you dont realize it because you dont accept it.  anyways the point I am trying to make is that if people had closed minds about the possibility of me becoming perfect, they would only see that I am not or that I have died and in that sense I would leave them behind.  Even though they are all in heaven and perfect, yes we are all in perfection, but our eyes are closed, the kingdom is among us, but we do not see it. nb

around June 12, 2009

As I sit to think, I am attacked for me to make a decision,

What is it that I want to be?

And I dont have an answer. So all there is, is the frustration of this undecisiveness.

And as I am bound to hold an identity, while I dont know what to choose, I am my frustration, my identity is my confusion.

I just really want to find my true self without help and without influence of anything else, my life seems blank and colorless, but I dont want to listen to any music because I dont want to contaminate my personal creative essence.

(Around this time I recorded something on my MP3.. this is what I said: )

Here is my problem, with these people, I have a way of doing things.. if I sense that a certain person is going to reject me, I just back away,  even if they think they like me because I pretend to be someone else around them.. if you really knew who I was, you wouldnt be treating me like this, so please stop treating me nice, because it makes me think of how ignoratn youare.. there is my way, then there is a gay way... crafty as a snake, they make people fond of them, for some reason they care to be accepted... and so they trick them...  but those who accept have not really learned anything, they havent really opeened their mind, they are still closed... this is why, this is my problem... they think they are acccepting the outcasts, but they are only accepting those who have kissed ass, for them to understand them... everybody else... they are still as closed as ever.

And so this is why I like to do what I do, what I prefer, I want to make people feel uncomfortable, I want to makee them feel ashamed, that they are afraid, cowards, prejudice, ashamed that they are not taking a chance, that they have no faith, that trhye are not speaking up for themselves, or standing up for themselves. HWO the fuck reports me, for something like what I did, only white people would mind that... its such a big deal to report it, “they seemed concerned about you” concerned they were only concerned about themselves... I want to make them feel prejudice, to give them an incentivve to change.. not to beeat themselves up, but to give them an incentive to open my mind.

April 20, 2009

I think everybody is to blame for not speaking up against me, they never tried to correct me.

I act out my dissappoinntment and expect nothing from them, as they did nothing in the first case, just stay away freaks of nature, grow some balls, and get some social skills, learn different cultures and learn to accept others for who they are, stop getting so butt hurt for no reason, and if you do get butt hurt then DO something about it.  I will now do nothing because thats how things seem to work around here, right? Just stay quiet, dont confront, just report it, but dont try to fix it yourself.  You have a problem? Just report it and give off mean looks to those who have offended you, even if they are unaware of it, it isnt your job to tell them that you have a problem with their behavior, just report it.

Prayers

File Location: My Words/God/Prayers

_On a night at the Lodge at Pine Springs Ranch, I walked in search for one of God’s wonders I spoke to God in prayer, as I waited to see yet another shooting star.  Confused about what Word was, should I believe the Bible and only the Bible, arranged by Constantine the founder of paganic christianism.

“Tell me God!!! Should I eat and consume these Words!!!?? Should I live by, should I believe this so-called... (and instead of saying, I was stopped by the sight of a shooting star, as I felt it underline the word that was in my mind and not yet out of my lips... Truth)”

_ So I was praying once and I told God “wow God, you are unbelievable!” and then he says... get this he says, “well that explains why so many people have stopped believing in me.”

_I had just watched the movie “American Me” and I noticed that I was beginning to act like the people in the movie, taking their gestures, their mentality, their spirit.  “Oh God no!!! Tell me why I shouldnt feel this way God, tell me why the lives of these people are a unacceptable to you!!”  They act this sort of way, Santana does not even know how to dance or make love, he does not even do drugs he lived his life making “respect” his only god;  his goal in life was to gain respect and to be honored and feared.  He knew no other life, he did not wonder of any other aspect.  He did not wonder about life, he did not even know he was alive, he was as alive as a rock!!! (well you are gonna have to check on rock morality to see if thats a good put-down). They lived to gain respect and to be known, oh my God would Jesus go after such goals?!?!  They could have really learned something from Jesus, they would accepted Jesus with no problem!!! Would they even question Jesus’s actions like scholars do? NO! Of course they wouldnt! Seeing how they like to feel like they belong and how easily they are influenced by others, all they need, to believe, is some encouragement and affirmation from enough people.  Wow, this is really a place where the gospel would have full effect!! Where people are focused on other gods and they are unreflective, they wouldnt even think about it, they would just accept it since everybody else is doing it.  This reminds me of “zeitgeist” saying that christianity was for the poor, to control them and keep them in their place, it seemed that way when thinking about it, i dont know how it would have worked but just the fact that they would accept it and respect it and look up to it without reflection.  “So where am I then. Is Jesus only a tool to control the poor?  Well Jesus may be but my God is not.  And I am sorry God if it sounds like I am denying your Son, but I must wonder: what would I choose if it turned out that to find the Eternal the Greatest God, I had to deny...” (then God says: “Me”).  I am left astonished at the thought, what had God just told me?  That the Highest God is Higher than who I was praying to?....(awww).  Oh God too Great to hold in my mind, a God Higher than you? I felt to ignore the “God” I was praying to, and focus on this even Higher God, but then I realized that the True God would be even Higher, I writhed at the thought, “where are you Lord? How High are You? I am left less than life when I think of your Greatness,  How dare me open my lips to You! How dare me complain to You! How dare me to think that anything in my life matters! When I wonder your Greatness, I am as a grain of sand, an inanimate puppet, I SHOULD NOT EVEN BE ALIVE!!! So why do you have me here Lord? Where am I and what am I worth? You have given a body, you have given me abilities, WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS, WHEN I AM NOT EVEN ALIVE!?!?!”  I felt to not move, in front of such a Great thought, and it was not even His Greatest, I felt like my life was worth death, my consciousness was as good as a calculator’s, I am dead, my spirit is worth nothing to me since it is not even mine.

There are people who wonder, and people who dont.  I had this aspect with God where I was pointless and then He let me know of my worth, “I am a creation of the Lord now live and do His will” (another aspect).  So I am able to travel from world to worlds within God?  But what about those worlds without wondering of God?  Are they not seperate aspects and therefore worthy of being experienced, studied?