There are plenty of girls out there who...: So I think about as I am concerned about, not just getting a girlfriend, I mean cmon cuz, I think whatever if I do that, but I always wonder why, I always get the girls that havent had too many sexual fantasies, who think its weird to either give blow jobs or anal, either one not both, but they point is that they are not completely open to any kind of fetish, who have NEVER MASTURBATED BEFORE!!! (or at least dont like to admit it). This is crazy, I am sure there are plenty of girls out there, but theey are never for me, and it makes me wonder, maybe its something that I am doing wrong... maybe Im subconsciously avoiding them, if so I want to figure out why and what I can compromise.
Using expression as a means is wrong: What I think the problem is with what I am doing is that, I am doing it only for the sake of finding these type of people, so it makes me think that I am not doing it because its really who I am, or for the sake that I see an importance to express myself and reveal who I am. Well the aspect that I need to think about it in is that, this is just another reason that explains why expression is so important, not just doing it for the sake of the sole purpose and essencce of expression, but you must realize how it makes sense with the rest of reality to get motivation, and confirmation of its legitimacy. I also got to think about why I inhibit myself from doing this before, and what I will be leavin behind as I decide to do this.
So with this I realize a mission, I want to find myself, and I must find myself in ways that, ok here, I must learn what I look like now, and how I can look more like myself, and see what other people look like me and interpret how they are, and maybe that will be enough to find myself.
Why we choose the wrong people: So the girls that I think, oh wow!! The reason why one never finds their ideal partner is because they are stuck going after superficial attractions, and by superficial attractions I mean those beautiful girls that are beautiful only because they are unknowingly imprinted in your memory, so that when you figure out her mystery then she will no longer be mysterious, and we are attracted by this as we feel this mystery as an incentive to figure out what these emotions mean; but no, the feeling of mystery is so captivating, that we think it is what decides, who we are to be with for good. We discourage ourselves from figuring out the mystery, (so there is the saying, to stay in love, keep your partner guessing in bed) and this is horrible because you never make an effort to know your partner the way you are suppose to know him or her inside and out, not keeping any secrets from each other, but people rather inhibit themselves from getting to know their life partner because of the excitement of having a stranger as a partner with the POTENTIAL of the partner being the p[erfect match; and it will always only be a potential until you actually get to know each other, but then you may realize that you are stuck with a loser that is nothing like you, so here is another reason to keep the “mysterious” in your “committed” relationships. Another faulty way of how I decide who to develop a relationship with is that I base my decision on girls “who may need my help,” those who have never had a boyfriend before, I have a strong attraction for them, and it REALLY is an attraction, is not like I put up with them for the sake of being a good person, MY ATTRACTION IS LEGITIMATE (JUST LIKE YOURS... is the point I am trying to make). And this is really hard to let go, because of what it means to me, I mean, I am so in love with tall, flat chested, thick eye-browed, funny acting girls, and I am not sure if thats what I reprsent; so either I have some adjustments to make in myself, or realize what I am really after by going after this (I seriously dont think its faulty, asw I think about itI realize what it represents and so.. but still if I think about why, not only why I go aftrer these kind of girls [even if its because they match my lifestyle and life-mentality], but why I have this life-mentality that makes me love these characteristics, but we have switched the subject over to what I base who I want to be, instead what type of girl I am looking for. I think I have my legitimate support since I have written so much about what I believe life and death is and my belief of what the purpose is in this world in my time).
Ideal partner is a reflection: So this is given that you believe that “your ideal partner is a reflection of yourself” you shouldnt have anyone better than you (which would make you selfish), or anyone worst than you (which would make you a person that sacrifices their life potential for the sake of a useless lover who will probably never learn, but for sure they will not help them succeed, because of the time it takes and what not anyways. So you ask, maybe its someone thats on the same level but just different, and so my answer to them is that, if ye two have different life goals and you are plannning to become one, this would be as if one person has an issue deciding which goal is priority one, so there must be adjustments, and personality changes, and worst because you would have put ini third place, shall now take sixth (to accoun for the spaces in the partner’s goals.
Hmm, the concerned I have for this subject made me think of doing something, I will start a document on quotes, these will be casual-setting (or should be for the most part... at least for myself) catchphrases or questoins to share with a girl, to figure out if she would match me... I am taking a step here.
So in romanticism class, we talk about how we get impressions but ignore them as we go along, and then I realize that we dont just blip spontaeneous impressions but alot of other things, which is why I procrastinatinate, because we got “better” things to do, but its inhibitions that keep us from accomplishing something, because we got unsatisfied concerns about other things. So im wondering why im paying so much attention in class and I am not distracted looking at certain girls anymore... so I conclude that maybe its because i have a plan and I am saving the situation for that plan, and so I need not be concerned about accomplishing something with them, because the time for wich I had the plan made with has not come. When it does come I will take care of it for sure, but I should still be concerned as far as “what if the time when the plan is realized never comes?” For some reason this doesnt concern me... Maybe because all I need to get along is to know that if I get the opportunity in this sort of way, I will be able to accomplish this goal of interaction. But this feeels like if I am fooling myself just like the promise of the highlighter that I may never go back and check, and satisfy the promise. So I have made a promise to accomplish IF certain things take place, its like promising that I will back and check only if I have the time for it? (hmmm), anyways it seems that these things that we never figure out will haunt us, the promises we dont keep, the plans I dont accomplish, I have a feeling that they haunt us until we accomplish them. But I also feel satisfied, because I shouldnt feel empty because there are alot of instances when I dont exist to accomplish these situations, why not be able to not exist “ignore” this one more situation if it happens all the time? So what is my goal, and why do I feel satisfied when I dont accomplish my promises? What is it that I want? This is so confusing,, but I am in class right now, must pay attention. Holy shit, I think he just said it, “abiding by your spontaneous yada, changes who you be not what you have”, so maybe because “I feel(?)” that I am one that if the “conditions” show up by chance (just as if there is a spontaneous gleam of light), if it conditions show up, I trust that I will satisfy the situation. So I feel as if I have integrity, because I trust that I will accomplish it if I see it. But this is still incomplete, I say “if the conditions show up/ if the geam of light appears”, but I am totally ignoring the fact that alot more conditions/opportunities for alot more accomplishments of promises, I am ignoring the so many ways possible to accomplish everything that gets my attention. The same way, I could be ignoring the so many other “gleams of light” that cross my path, and I still feel as if I have integrity because I believe that I have a plan (and the plan is this: I will accomplish the promise, if the opportunity meets these conditions). If I only go by the things that meet the conditions, I shouldnt feel as if I have integrity, there is so much that I am missing, so I should still feel ashamed.
Tom says: “figure out what concerns me in my constitution” ... is this what I just wrote about? The conditions?
Ahh, today, so much happened, and everything after 4:00. Well not everything... It all started off after core and then lunch I got to my room, I was staring out my window, and my roommate came in and asked me if I already had lunch, I said yes, I made a joke cuz I had eaten lunch and breakfast, and that was alot for me. Anyways he went to go get lunch. He came back and I saw some eggs he brought, hard boiled. I told him, I remember that last semester when my sister came with me here at the beggining of the year, and she got a hard-boiled egg from prentiss as well. She didnt want it, I didnt eat it cuz I was full, but I kept it until the end of the semester I broke it open and it was really stinky and liquid brown inside. Then he said I dont have good consideration for other people because it would smell up the room. I said it was ok because my roommate was gone when I broke it open, at the end of the semester, he said still because the other people, I said that I broke it over a trash can and threw it away and it was really disgusting cuz I wante... he interrupted me and said that I shouldnt have kept the egg in my room for that long because I could have made the room smell and that I was really inconsiderate for keeping the egg like that, I told him that it did not smell at all only until I broke it open, he said that still I was very inconsiderate because I didnt know it wouldnt have smelled, I said that I would have taken it out if it started smelling, he said that I was taking a risk of having a smell even for a moment in my room and that I was really inconsiderate to my roommate. He lectured me that I should be more considerate because if I wasnt considerate then someone was not going to be considerate towards me, and that it may be him. He left, and it pist me off, because I dont know why it would bother him so much that there was a smell in the room then I thought of the times when I smelled up the room with vinegar and I thought he was ok with it, and so because of that I think of EVERYTHING that I THINK he is ok with... me using his stuff (I was being inconsiderate), smelling up the room (inconsiderate), alarm clock (inconsiderate), having a mess on my side of the room (inconsiderate), room light on , he hates the room light (inconsiderate), walking in the room at night (inconsiderate), calling him nigger the way we played he called me beaner back (inconsiderate), everything that I did, because I thought he was okay with, I was actually being inconsiderate, I considered that; so because I dont like to bother/annoy people, I do actually try to be considerate as possible, I just did all this because I thought he didnt mind, but I guess everything about me bothers him, all this mess... I cleaned up my room really tidy and neat, vaccumed, everything, and I decided not to do ANYTHING that I think would bother him, since I believe he was not being honest with me whenever he said that something didnt bother him. But I guess it really does, and he is just pretending that it doesnt, just like everybody else at whitman, they pretend to be peaceful. I didnt want to see him for three days, so I went before he came back from class. I left ot the library to work on my essay before romanticism class, so I went to class... after class I waited till after four, when he would leave for cross country, so I could get my charger for my laptop, I peed in the bathroom, and the door of the stall opened behind me, I got the impression it was him (innocently, as ifhe didnt mean to) but it was no one, the door just swung on its own, I got the impression that I was suppose to not scold my room,ate for the “accident”, I took it as a sign. Afterwards I met a friend, and I really wanted to ask her why she didnt trust me (I suspected it was because my roomate told her that I always took his stuff). I knew that if i asked her straight out she would lie straight out, of course, and I didnt want to bring up Yonas if it did not involve him because then I would look paranoid about my roommate. So I decided, eyes to the right meant memory, eyes to the left meant creative... so I fouund her and I took her somewhere behind bushes so that her friend would not hear our conversation. So I told her to pay attention, and to be completely honest with me, I clapped my hands close to her face so as to distract her from thinking were she to come up with a lie, and asked her if she remembered the first floor... with a guy... when she said she didnt trust me (there had been two instances where she mentioned she didnt trust me with stuff so this is why I was concerned)... she said she didnt remember. I told her I was taking the Mp3 out her pocket, so she remembered, I started walking clockwise so her eyes would keep right as she thought of what to say, so she would get it from her memory... over the rocks, and down, clapping suddenly and close to her face sometimes to stop her from thinking up excuses... I said, you said you didnt trust me, you remember why?, you said it was because I was mexican, do you remember that?, she said yes, I said, who told you I was mexican? (this would make her recall my roomate saying something like I always take his things because I am mexican, because I remember me asking him for something and he complaining that mexicans always take things, so theres the connection). I asked who told you? She asked what?. I said, why did you say that... still walking clockwise clapping my hands up and down the rocks... she explained that she called everybody that, and that she said she didnt trust me because she just didnt feel like letting me take her Mp3. So then I was concerned if I was doing it right... so I started walking counterclockwise,, but it was over so I believed her and then we talked and joined her friend, and I told her about connecitons and weird stuff, and me talking in my sleep, I specifically said, “I was awake through some of it so I remember me saying...” and she said, “did your roommate tell you that and thats how you knew?”, and I asked, “why did you mention him” annd she said, because he is your roommate and he would see you while you sleep, then I told her yes, but still I had said that I was awake through some of it. So then I was suspicious, but whatever... so I went to the library, concerned, and looked up which was which, and I was doing it wrong, she was suppose to look left for memory and right for creativity, I should have walked counter-clockwise, so I made another plan... I would bring up my roomate and tell her how he gets annoyed about everything I do, which was true, and how he complains even that I turn the light on for myself and he finds me with the light on, when he comes from somewhere... stuff like that to get her to sympathize with me. Then I would tell her this story:
There was an old man who was used to neglecting his dog, because thats just the way he was youknow? Like he had his reasons, and it didnt really matter... he had a wife. The more he neglected the dog, the more he got stuck in the habit,the more the dog was neglected, the more the little trolls lead him away from his home, but all that the dog wanted was to be taken care of.
These 2 things would be done as I was sitting on her right to make her look right as she took everything in... then I would get on her left, and pant kind of rapidly and look around.. so that she would get the impression of me being a dog. And ask her again, who told her I was mexican... I prayed to God about it this time... God’s will be done
So that was my plan, and so after a while of thinking and working at the library, I went to an event and saw her there, then I went to Club meeting and saw her there, and what not.
Then I went to the library, worked a little, then looked for her... while watching out for my roommate, I found her but she went to talk to meet someone with the phone, and while I waited, my roommate found me from behind and I remembered the sign, dont scold dont scold, I thought to myself. And he asked me (just like I didnt want him to mention it), “HEY! You cleaned your room today, im really surprised!!” prejudice people are always surprised of actions that doesnt match their prejudice, was my thought. he asked me why I cleaned, I didnt want to answer, but he asked me, and I didnt want to seem as if I didnt want to talk about it, or else he would just assume again, so I decided to tell him straight out of how he told me I was inconsiderate, and even though he said that he did not mind the mess, that now I knew better, and knew that he was just pretending to not mind, just like every other liar here... but before I said that I remembered that I my friend was there, and I needed my friend to explain something to him, and so I brought up the alarm clock, and how he gets pissed because I make the alarm how off like 10 times befoer I decide to get up. My friend took his side, but her friends said they were familiar with it so at least I got support, because before that he would always say that I was the ONLY person he EVER knew that did that with the alarm making me feel alone, and that it was stupid and really unnecessary, the way he “argues” about things. People tend to think that arguing is about fights with words, and anger and screaming... but really, arguing is about sharing perspectives and coming to terms with each side. Anyways, so I noticed this, whether its real or not, that Yonas stayed to study with them, and its really is reasonable to think so, since it looked like they met, they agreed to be somewhere or something. And so with this I conclude that they talk about me plenty, and so with how my roommate likes to complain, Im pretty sure that it is through him that all this negative ideas about me have been going around, so I sent an email to my friend. Subject: wonder why I am paranoid. Body: ... is it still [only] in my head? And so because I believe this, I dont think I can count on my friend to trust, I mean she doesnt even trust me. And so I take note of how many people I trust at whitman, and the number had gone from 2 to 1.5, to my friend, to .5, so I just rounded to zero. And so there is no one here that I trust. And because I know no one, and no one is honest, I make up stories of who they are and how they conspire against me, and alas, I am paranoid again; with no one to trust. As I walked back to my room in disappointment, there were people that smiled at me, I was surprised, but I am sorry, I couldnt smile back... (only until I got back from my room I became concerned about if I followed the instruction of the sign or not), so I guess I have top keep on, not scolding (I guess this after prayer, disappointment, deliberation, and after typing all of this... it is now 12:40 am (the next day), and I need to start my homework.
