I once wrote in highschool, while I was taking a shower. That it is our job, as existing beings, to create for ourselves a reality, and have beliefs that will optimize our effect on reality. I feel like this is what I am doing
I saw “second hand lions” with my friend and his mom before break, The guy said that one of the beliefs that we must hold as true even though they may not be, is that every man, has the best intention in mind for others. I didnt understand this until today; it is because our thoughts about the world compose the way our reality is for us, and if we dont believe this, then we will be tempted to pay them back with evil (no matter how wrong we may be or not), or we may be discouraged to live.
I had dreams, many, the parrot that got hit by a UFO, I grabbed it and it was biting me, I ripped off its legs, cut its beak (though its still had octupus beak left over), gouged out its big eyes (it had eyes the size of a cartoon parrot), and broke its wings, I didnt mean to rip off its feathers, but they were off. And it became like a worm. I wanted to keep it alive with the least limbs as possible, so then I ripped off its head and cut its body into pieces. After that, its body began to slice itself vertically, those pieces, eache length of piece was kept in a section of a worm of bags, the headbag was separated. Some of the slices, rotted, some of them turned to blood, some of them dried up. I could see the head try to eat a throat sized bird pellet, and I could see it come out the back of its throat. I wonder how it felt to be alive.
I was walking in a new version of whitman college, I was thinking of singing aloud the songs that were coming to my head,, I was coming from or going to see a friend, some guy accross the street called me over, I stopped for him, because thats what I would want from myself. He looked like he had been crying, he told me, “you know the guy who has been going around shooting people?... He is over fifty years older than you” then he reach for something inside his pocket, I could see the shapee of a pistol, I tried to run, he shot me, wither sholder or waist. I tried to scream or something, nothing would come out. He went up to another girl, I tried to tell her to “run”, “gun”, “yell”, “help” I tried to make motions with my fingers to tell her to run away, I was becoming weaker and weaker, so my finger motions werent very clear, the only word that came out of my my mouth was “pistol”. Before I passed out I saw him put his gun on her hand, forcibly. I wake up.
Kamil singing, “Satanic man, Satanic man, Satanic man, Satanic man”
I dont really remember the order of this, but there is a scene, where I flirt with a girl, and she likes me, but then I annoy her and she hates me. And I understand, and I try to work with it. I am a freak, everybody thinks I am a creepy son of satan, and I play into it very well, my aura is dark and defiled, and I climb on walls and creep through places to get to my room.
I am given a gun, a small pistol, I go out to a hall, and about to go out the door, I see people that look out the door, they get back, face the wall closest to them and cover the rest of their field of vision with their hands, for some reason I think this is very wrong, I wait to see the person that comes through that door, it is a black lady, she has her own body guards, I get my pistol and I shoot a couple of times, nothing happens to her, then I take of the cover off of the sppout of the pistol and shoot her again, nothing happens to her, she says she will take care of me, I am afraid, I try to run away, but she is powering up, I decide to fly up and in between these moments, I pray to God and my faith increases drastically as I say, “that I have the right of the Almighty God!” I turn back to fight, everything is too bright, I wake up.
Romanticism class: when you walk with a purpose, you do not notice the landscape... I do, even though I have a destination, I still pay attention to my surroundings, people see me walking, I look weird, I guess. The prophesying girl told me that I see things others dont, should I try? I dont know, God, is any of this even real, my purpose in here is gone once I have nothing to sense that it is real. I am such faithless, if I cant see it it is not real. But the truth is, that its not real (to me), because I am not looking at it. But if I use my imagination to see things that are not there (at first) in my perception, they will soon be real, as I begin to notice things (with the same type of love) that give me that impression. So all I have to do, is visualize an image, and pretty soon, my imaginary frame shall match something in real life and, if I framed to follow it, then this will also be seen in real life.
A prayer, to cast away all bad intentions, all things that bring these types.
Nature of a threat: one becomes threatened when they are not willing to accept an emerging truth of the world and of life. //(and sin is this, every feeling that is negative, that humans have come to reject Life, and willing to die for the illusion of a peeve. Nothing is meant to bother us, there should be no such thing as pain in life, but we make pain unacceptable, it is now genetic, as the sin is passed on from generation to generation, now the Infinity, of Life and its elements are able to be hated, now the general direction of the human being is downward, towards ignorance, towards lower energies, towards death)// When one doesnt like something, s/he is threatened. One does does not like something when it bothers them, it bothers them because they expect it to be their own way. Or when they have an unaccomplished ideal or goal.
I am threatened that others will be threatened. Because thats what got me in trouble, I am threatened to get in trouble, I dont mind getting in trouble, but every one else has the same value as I, so I shouldnt threaten them because I wouldnt like my mind to be closed up. So I will try not to threaten others, but I should not be threatened myself, so I should not be threatened to threaten others. What good is trying to not threaten others if you yourself must be threatened to accomplish that. So dont be threatened...
But I must try to not threaten anyone, should not I be careful, doesnt this give me a goal? And because I have a goal, I also have a risk to fail? I must have no goals so that I dont fail, this is already a goal, I am failing at having nothing to fail at. But thats ok, at least it isnt a paradox, once I have no goals, having no goals will not be a goal, it will just be one of my characteristics.
So I must live without goals, but I must treat others so that they accomplish the same thing (open their minds continuously), but I myself have no goals, what about life? I must represent Life with all my being. This is my goal? What about all of this? Do I give these up? Do I give everything up for the sake of life? What about doing God’s will? Should not this be a goal?
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