I cant do this, I am not paying attention in class, I hate it.. I just dont feel good, I feel ashamed, I dont really know why, is it because I need a new character? I am focused on my faults, because I need a girlfrieend, becausse I forgot what to remember...
Its hard for me to believe that there are others like me, that there are other concerned about the same thing as I am, that dont mind what I dont mind, everyone has their own way of acting, and none of them is what I would like them to be, everyone is in their own circle, once they are in, no one cares about growing out.
I see the girl in my philosophy class, I think of how she has hairy armpits and I like this about her, unlike all the other sissies here that are grossed out by a lil girly hair. I thihnk about how she must be pressured to change, because she may think that no one likes this about her, and to her she doesn’t, but then there is me, I exist. I am not comforted by the fact that there is one; “I”, because I would still feel as if I am the only one, but I am comforted by the fact that I am hiding...
Maybe this is what is bothering me, I want to hide because I want to believe that there are others like me, if I dont hide, then I will be able to see that there are in fact not others like me, because they may continue hiding, unlike me. I am afraid to leave the group, I am afraid to improve myself, because I am afraid to be alone.
This method keeps popping up, ask “why?” but I am still concerned about the person interested in telling the truth when I ask this... I lie, I wish others didnt lie, I lie because I think they wont handle the truth, they lie because they think I wont accept the truth, I want to tell them that I will accept the truth, they have told me that they will accept the truth and didnt, so even i they say that they will accept it I dont believe them, if I see them accept something from someone else I will believe them, or if they tell me first, what kind of things they accept if they turn out to be the same as mine then I will know. I could tell them about my friends and what kind of characters I accept... But I rather take the risk to tell them about myself instead of using my friends as insurance; what if I had never had any friends that openned up to me, how would I take care of this? I would have to make imaginary friends? No, I would be lying... I would have to wait for the other too address their list of acceptance in temrs of their friends... I cant depend on them doing their part, it goes back to myself doing that, and I am already doing the one where I havent had any of those friends,
GOAL!!!:::I have to get used to being rejected, just like its happening right now, how do I accept getting rejected? I have to understand it...
GOAL!!!:::Maybe people do this automatically by complaining around others, othehrs get to learn what bothers them, so it is important to listen to their complaints... and similarily their passions.. or the things that they accept..
So people complain because they reject something, people accept because they undersand it (not necessarily; can you accept something without understanding it?) People are ok with something because they havent had a problem with it; they may not understand it, but it has not contradicted with their world yet. People have a passion for something because they understand it.
How do people complain or accept?
Now this is really confusing to figure out, because sometimes people avoid things (as if they rejected it), but in fact they may not be rjecting the act itself, but what it means to them. And every person has varying meanings for every thing.
Example: staring, some people like to stare, more people than those that actually do stare would like to stare, but they dont. They avoid staring, not because they complain about it, but because they are complaining about others complaining about it, and because of how they express their complaints, it looks like they themselves are complaining about staring, so that others that observe them, think they are complaining about staring so that they themselves complain of them complining of others that complain about staring, by avoiding the stare... (how sad, this is like the contagious factor, I wonder if the contagion factor depends on being considerate of others, so you become like them, how disgusting; it is disgusting to those who see value in trying to stay true to themselves).
The contagion factor:
GOAL!!!:::I cant just accept it, but I must learn to enjoy it, so that when someone tries to tell me that its impossible in such certain setting, that I would be saddened by it, rather than believe it and become dissappointed if it ever fails. Or not saddened, but accept it, just like I would accept the opposite, but how do I come to accept things, and when I accept them, what will motivate me to change them or to look for more than what was given?
Questions: Why do you such and such? Do you accept or reject this action in itself? What does it mean to you when you such and such, such that you such and such.
somehow these things get accros without us noticing, and we carry along, it comes “naturally” to us, but when its gone we realize that we never noticed what happened.
Lol, Im addicted to thinking, Im a thinkaholic, I dont feel good unless i have had a good thinkiing session, maybe thats whats going on.
GOAL:::So now that I know what I am afraid of, it makes me think that I will not rise alone, if i decide to stop hiding, but if I do, why is it ok?
So the way I used to take care of this, to make people feel ashamed, effected closing their minds, so that the final goal was to drive them insane, afraid of everything, to paralyze them. this is the work of satan.
So this is my problem, today I notice, I am ashamed and I dont want to go outside. I do go outside, but i only do what everyone else does, because I am afraid, because I do not want to take risks. I cant take risks because I am afraid to fail, and I have failed enough here, I want to risk no more... and so I stay in the comfort zone, where others have already treaded, where others dwell, and I go no farther than this. And to me, this is ridiculous, this is death.
Why do people come to accept something? When they come to understand it. What if they understand it, and yet reject it? Like and unreasonable fear? How does one get rid of that? Well? How do you get rid of your fear of being rejected? I dont know...
The pity element (or when one tries to reconcile themself):
GOAL::: must figure out, how to assimilate to another understanding of the world, how to open mind... how to do what I have in mind.
How do you make things come naturally?
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