November 13, 2009

Exactness kills creativity is what I wrote, I told a my roommate a while ago, I dont know if I wrote it here... Ill check. No, but I wrote it down... :Mistakes allow for creativity, the infinity of our world (actions) allows for mistakes and so we can think::: Exactness kills creativity:::  What kind of mistakes? Mistakes that lead to undiscovered territory.  How do you accomplish mistakes? You just dododo, livelivelive, {outside known} and you will be blessed

Method, admit the truth! (except I dont always know or know how to explain the truth.

Do never judge, when you have to work by one of your assumption ask why, so and so? is it because of this (your intended prejudice)?  Or admit your perception to be only subjective, that you know it is only an assumption, you are not judging because you have your mind open to your idea being false.

I felt the scent a beautiful smell, beautiful again because (I knew this time that it was because it was a memory, just like the prentiss salad leaves and the pizza place, and just like a friend’s friend.)  Anyways so I remembered and saw it in beautiful memory form, like what life is through a lense from the unexistent,  (Our emotions are not inhibitions but only properties that are mingled with our external experiences, like if there is not connection from what happens to with our intentions [not in a practical sense, but more like a movie sense]).  Sense I saw this memory of yesterday from such perspective I realized that where I was, was exactly there... it was just last night at my voice instructor’s house with the caramel cream candles, and that girl with the cut scars on her arms, made me wonder about her. And how such reality did in fact provide me with the opportunity to carry this out.  But I did’nt, I need to understand to do fix  everything that I am not satisfied with.  But its there and I am here, in this life I see, and look at all these things I can do! I am truly free to live out this life as it is a dream. When death comes I  will question... and there will be my judgement.  I just want to understand this.  Who I am is not enough to live, I am so many confused.

We have access to every mind, and we do, because we have one we just have to pay attention to our body, the more we know ourselves, the more we know everybody else.

The spur, the action that roots the thoughts, the source, the beggining, the spark that starts the life, what we need, to come into reality from nothingness.

Ok, so I think of someone rejecting me, which I have a problem with, something...

Forgett about that stuff, because its lies... no there are reasons why you should remember it, to be able to walk while blind folded, think of htat now

There are times when I have a reason for doing something, but the reason is so hidden within me that I just live along, sometimes I have a problem with certain people, annd I cant really identify what that problem is, unless I have thought about it, and taken the time to dwell on it and figure it out, so if you were to not think like you do, you would just not like certain people and you dont really know why, you just dont, and you cant tell them anything because you dont know what it is... so who’s fault is it that the problem is not addressed and fixed? Who’s fault is it that people dont like you for some reason? 

Today, my friend said something, I think he has been wanting to make it clear that I am not his idol, I wonder why, I felt like he had been trying to put me down for a while now, and that  brought bad thoughts to my head.  Why wouldntt he just come straight out with the truth, if I would ask him why he said those things ( that he said to offend me I think), he would answer, “cuz thats it” or something, but the reason why he notices, those “its” is because he thinks something of me that makes him want to think of this stuff about me... so I thought about what he said, and that if I were to ask him what his problem was, he may not be able to think about it and tell me, because sometimes these things are not always so clear... so I accepted his prejudice against me, not as negative, but only as something that was him. Not as him judging me, but an impression that he had about me that was making him think of me this way...

And so when a girl showed up to the prayer meeting, I thought about her, and how she would prejudge me, and I would judge her because of  how she judged me, but then I thought about her how I thought about my friend.  And so now she appeared like a girl with her reasons, and I was totally sympathetic, and I was ok with her judging me because, it wasnt really me that she was seeing, and it wasnt really her fault that she was doing the judging...  she was just an innocent little girl, and it was ok.

And so thisexperience made me feel bad... getting this new perspective, so that I accept these girls that rrejected me, it made me feel bad because, its as if a blindfold was removed from my eyes... and this iss good, except that I feel as if Gos was telling me to trust Him when I had the blindfold on, and now its too late to work by faith... the metaaphor represents that I had to make friends with them while I was insecure, and I felt rejected by them, but now I dont feel that... but then again... is it because I learned? So maybe I sohldnt feel bad, because I did in fact walk with the blindfold at the fall conference, I just didnt feel confortable,  I guess I wanted to learn to feel comfortable with the blindfold on... but its tricky, feeling unrejected while there is evidence of rejecting makes me feel like an annoying ignorant, not comfortable... so I cant picture it... I wish I could... just need to open my mind.