November 11, 2009

his  is why we took every think t caount and wat he kind ogf  doesnt do in part thathe doens pay aarfettion, all right all of this is ovbiosult this that come to mindthere is a furl patinf atentive attention, one crack a this  how it may ne kelsoso how do you get out od tis fairy tale seemed to be the problem
i think itss feat how i cna tupe with my etes closed, i can tepy things whyle  feeling the deelong the deeling od sleepuness come doen on me, i can feel thinkfs deom deeams that i sdomnt undertand once i wake up, they ont make sense, it is because of all that i dforget when i wake up, but now, i vlose mt etes. and the feeling comes, its there so now i can describe it withouht scaring it away by opening my eyes, like when i was writing down what i dreamed, like when i spoke in toungues, lets explain these things now... but i am already too awake.ebolution of man, iit takes turns being what it it,just like evolution took its course mmaybe its a bad thing to comebine things in ideas. i dont know, i thouhg we were movenig forward by making connections in out brains, i dont know abot this though... also sky lwe, i face fouundations, but i dont know what all of it means, he is  on meficaiton for bipolarism, btu whatever. i dont know what that does or how any of this screws him up.  we ask god for permisions to work through these things and to learn.  his mother said that he had a fairyt tale childhood, and he tried to make it clear to him that he knew that, and that in life there was usually great pain,and suffering, maybe thats whats wrong with him i said. i dont know how or what  he will learn from all of this, or what this makes him better or worrse, more or less in tact with reality, i ca imagine, i dont know.  I was just hanging out with him alot, its just that in my dreams these thoughts come so clear, the thoughts that make up my own reality, in my dreams I can see him, I can see what concerns me, I can feel what all of this means.  I was just hanging out with him too much yesterday, I wish I was half awake, we probably are half awake, which is why we think while we are awake.  I wish I could type things in my sleep without waking up, these emotions, I have in my sleep, are those that I tend to ignore, so when I was a baby and I had all hese as tom said my life felt as dreams usually feel with these unexplainable emotions, then we settle into relaity as we focus in on certain emotions ignoring otheers..I can say what I dream in terns not of this life but of the impressions I receive, when I see the red drape, skyler pulling it down, aying on it, I feel what it means along with the music,, maybe its because I make my subconscious part of me.

Last night he said, he told me and his mom, while at the apartment, “it was because of what Jimmy told me, its all his fault, this is why I have been acting like this.”  The environment called to ignore what he was saying, he was jjust crazy... but I believed him.  Now I remember how I felt then the prophesying girl talked to me as a prophet, how I actually believed that it was God itself talking to me through her.  Then when she rejrcted me... how I felt then, but then I realized that no matter what happened among people, God would not forsake me in my prayers, no, just because the prophesying girl rejected me it did not mean that God would ignore, it did not mean my end, it did not mean I was dead I was still alive, and so had some level of grace from Existence.  The word “God” has this much power over minds, I wished to deny that God was in her, but what kind of faith would I have? In the end her body is corruptible, as well as her language, remember that God was able to die in his human body, before it became divine.  She was still human, God was still my love, and I was free once again.  my friend had not gone through what I had, he didnt understand the situation as I did, and so he is still lost in the sublime, what a wonderful state of bliss.  I think this is why he took what I said to heart, he believed I was of God... and I like to believe that I am (as much as I can be at least), once he tasted the fruit I gave, to grow comfortable with strange things, gives one experience and sensation of new life, and another world, truly sublime.  Without roots I gave him the fruit, so he wanders recklessly (I really need tofigure out the meaning of this word “reckless”, it seems i use it when I want to say “wreckful” lol).  Anyways, Im at breakfast and my other friend is interested in my subject,  she seems like she would be free to question, and not eat my “fruit” so well, so this forces me and its a good thing to start with the roots. 

I pray for things like these, for truth to show itself, rather than hide itself for our sake so as to not hurt our eyes.  I ask for exposure, and resolution.  Can there be a resolution without exposure? Yes but then there is never get to see the truth, and truth is true, i deserves to be known by its very definition.

I dont know if I have said this before, but Intervarsity staff talk about my “purpose” here at whitman, and so I think, my purpose? This place is perfect, I have no purpose here, there is nothing to do I mean look at you guys.. arent you all happy and doodly? Eh? Isnt life just perfect dfor you guys? What could you gys ever need help with? It really is impressive how well you hide your problems, There are people that unlike me they catch along quickly and continue to begin hiding themselves, if I knew everything that would happen when I oppenned myself up to you guys, you would have never known who I was, if I was afraid I would have never shown you who I was, just like everybody else here does.  There is no problem here, I think we (including not me) are in denial.  There is an oppression here, people are oppressed by a ghost, somthing that in the end, was never real, a sensation, it comes as an illusion.

I remember that night, with my friends at the library, I saw her shoes, the colors, how she dressed heerself, to express what?  What was this life? This variety? What did it mean if she didnt really live by such energy, she represented opennes though she reflected closedness, and yet, I believed, that she represented this authentically, without pretending, in a place like whitman you dont do it to “fit in”.  It truly had a reason, it was authentic. This represented a time in her life when she had seen a reason to do this, like I had done for a long time; we had seen the light, we had seen what it meant, but now, she was only following along the rules the procedures which she had learned that best represented this life, though it was now gone, though it was not anymore understood, these colors she wore were like suveneirs from a dream, nobody really knows what they mean anymore, but she  had seen the light in them, and now she follows these customs, as if they themselves had the light.

These are the prophets of the new age, the new age when capricorn will rule, when death will still exist, but there will be much more life then there has ever been, rage will be a reaction to a closed mind, but it will be used to spurr the  thoughts of the mind so that it re-opens.  Death will still exist, but there will be so much life, enough to make us believe there is no death, so much life to make us feel immortal, pain will be pleasure, and pleasure will be leisure, there will be no more hesitant tears of sadness, only tears of such maniacal joy... minds will be enhanced by belief in poetry, doors of existence will be open, realms which modern man denies to see.  And nothing will make sense as it does now, the new age, is truly unimaginable.

Figure out the red shirt dilemma; figure out why I shouldnt get hurt,what happens whenn I do and who I become when I let it happen.  Smiles over anger, laughter versus threat.  How to be open to listen, one of the problems that you may see in you is that people are not open with you, they may have a good reason, if they are not open with anybody, then they have  the same problem with you, but you can still do something about it.  Another thing I gotta figure out, is why do I really cant do what I do? I mean cmon... why do I have to feel  down?  Am I really want to quit my whoe life just because of this?  Would I give up as easily to something like this, I wouldnt be able to survive in the world since this can indeed happen anywhere, dawg, stop bitchin, if you really cant handle this, how the hell you say you wanna live? Yet, you still want to live, because things like these, you not gonna letem stop you, expell dawg, expell.

There is a way to explain wvwrythin we do its alway all in their our harmlessness, there is always a way.  Someitmmes we can explainothers, no.

I think that instead of people spurrign these questions to get to know each other better and what bothers them by talking about peradventures and maybe  past experiiences and reasons, they just let the subjects come, but they dont ask for them, I want to specifically address them, like a personality test.. but I dont know how the questions shold be addressed naturally and how.

Ftf obrvausidfn fnininunj

(this last phrase is actually coded,
I am trying to figure out what I meant by it.)