So today I saw a girl with really tight pants, you could everything, so I was like, “whoa, hot!” in my mind. someone said befor that she liked me, so I was thinking maybe she wore them for me (I think what I think ok! Am I not allowed to fantasize?), so I was thinking she wore them for me, so I imagined her saying (with her pants), arent you gonna approach me? So I responded, “for what? So you could slap me when I ask you out your number?”... well that scenario is too assumed, but lets say that with her pants she says... arent you gonna compliment me?, to which I respond “so you can call me a pervert for looking at you?”
There are so many things wrong here, I am so ashamed...
Alright so first case she responds “why would I do that?” shows that she is completely oblivious to my negative expectations from her and my childhood traumas. So this says that I are basing her assumed reaction by something that happened to you.. in the past, in which she has no idea about, poor girl, she is just trying to get some looks but no one says anything because they are all scared, unreasonably scared, I could say that we are all traumatized by a past experience, but in the end its all us, I am just stupid scared, unreasonable, I am making a connection based on something completely separate. Im sorry poor girl, I failed to keep staring at you, because my past, I am useless... I cannot let this happen again. So I must go back, and learn to live with that trauma, that created the prejudice, that created this fear. Ok so I got slapped once, for asking a girl to be my girlfriend, this was in first grade, I dont know if all inhibitions come from that one time, but then I probably got rejected a couple of times or people started to avoid me, maybe not but, or maybe I just dont want to have an image of something I dont like, (but if I dont like something its because I dont understand it... closed mind... So Im suppose to be okay and accept studs and gold diggers so that I have the freedom to appear like one... ugh what is this leading too?
Second, I pay attention to the fact that I am inhibiting myself from expression, if its true, go ahead and say it or this way watch... arent you gonna compliment me?, “you have such a nice ass, I just wanna grab it and bury my face in it.” To which she slaps me... why?!, because I have to give a compliment the “right” way, thats less “offensive” and “awkward”. So fine! I give her the correct compliment this time (whatever it may be) and so she gets really close to me, pressing against me... so what does this mean to me? Well if I am not being authentic, to what I really feel.... nononoono this is not the point I wanted to go to... ok the point I was trying to make.. case 3
Case three... “your hot!” so she presses against me.. and what does this mean to me? It means that if this were to happen, dont I realize that I have spent my entire life believing something that inhibits me from innocent flirting... o God all those wasted years... whyy.. why couldnt I just ever have an open mind... open mind,, because I was self conscious about my image, its the same thing that girls do, why they have their own inhibitions, so if a guy says, “you wanna have sex?” she thinks, “so you can call me slutty, after you are done with me?” so I think... “whats wrong with being called a slut?” anyways looking at myself I now think of how I complain about girls that dont admit that they masturbate,,, well I now look at myself, I wouldnt want them to call me a pervert, but maybe its just part of the game... “you nice ass!” “get away you perv *slap!”, but in the end, whats wrong with being called a pervert?... so I got to express myself, and she got her compliment, and we are all satisfied...
But this isnt like the guy calling a girl a slut case... so maybe its not the same... *sigh
If my parents would have taught me correctly I would be like this one kid.. brainwashed
Its really windy outside at night, I pick up a large branch, with more branches on it, I here my the voices, my inhibitions speak on behalf of those who intimidate me.
Stop IT! Stop it!!
They want me to stop, they reject my actions, they think I am weird, they tell me to stop with their looks.
Should I stop, should I stop because they tell me?
NO! should I stop worshipping my God because they dont want me to? I should not stop living because they tell me, if they told me to stop being alive, I will not give up my life for their sake, would I? Wouldnt it be right to die for others? If everyone in the world wanted you to die, would you do it for their sake?
I will live with truth I will not hide it for the sake of their comfort... I shouldnt... but I do, for the sake of my comfort. I really am pathetic.
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