So, at church I decided, I have been thinking this for a while that, of the memories and feeling in my head, are so easily forgettable because I dont manifest them or anything of them into reality to create some sort of remeinder, I think i have written about this before.. something like this, its easy, you should put a reminder to remember something, something aoutside your mind to remember the thought or feeling, its why we draw take pictuures write in diaries or say things out loud.. so I have a better chance of remember things I think about if I say them out loud... not only that but I get bettter at putting my thoughts in understandablke words.. not just thoughts and feelings, but I put them in actual english language so that other people can understand, and for myself it works because it doesnt only in my head but also in my phonic memory... so not only do I think it,, but I have a greater chance of remember ing it because I hear it... and I speak it... then I must write it and explained so that I dont forget even more
So with this in mind, I try to say everything I think and describe the feelings I get.. sometimes he words dont make sense, but I try to connect them and pinpoint the feelings.. just like that day when I was “speaking in toungues or something”.. so I try to put them into words and so its like I am naming everythig that comes to mind.... naming.... like the job that God gave Adam. Woooooooowww. And so its a job of mankind, or at least good for us that we name things,,, I mean, it must be what separates us from animals since by God giving Adam dominion over them he gave them the responsibility to name them. And so I write, and so I speak, and so I express the things from the unknown that have chosen me as a vessel to manifest themselves into existence.
Ok so here I go, i was acting weird on Friday. At dinner and then I noticed others acting weird... liek if I caused them and made them feel comfortable to express that side of them.. and so it works with the purpose of expression, like a secret of mankind that everyone hides.. all we need is a beacon, and for others to trust this beacon as a beacon and not a trap.. those that long for the reformation will soon come out of hiding, that is, if they see.. open their eyes to the light. This also reminds me of what Edith Robles told me something about likesociety dynamics, that if 20% of the population has a way of thinking, that is enough for it to spread completely through out... there is nothing apparent here, but those 20% are probably hiding, once they come out, all must understand... couuld this be the beggining of a new age society? Lol, it doesnt feel like it.. yet? Hmhm.. my mind is open to the possibility.
Hmm, something is bothering me today... today a friend talked to me, she asked me how I was getting along with my roommate. I said... (well I remembered that I was suppose to not let him look bad, so I said...) he’s cool... you know? Uh, well he tells me stuff, but... uh, its for the best... and she said, “ah so you understand... “ and I thought not much of it until now... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO FUCKING MEAN??!?! That I was the one causing all the trouble and that my roommate “helped” me? That I gotta thank him now for “fixing” me up?,,, and so I realize that my mind closed up here... all that my roommate did, was spread rumors about me, and kept coming up with UNREASONABLE explanations to share with his fucking friends how much of an asshole I was... the reason I cleaned up my room and began to be all neat and tidy is NOT because I thought I was doing bad... it is because I realize that HE WAS LYING TO ME ALL THIS TIME.. pretending to be chill, pretending to be cool with everything I did... I freaking told him once,, “I dont want your crackers, because some people say that they like to share just to pretend to be nice, but really they go off complaining of how they had to share stuff with you, so no thanks I dont need your crackers” and he told me, that hypocrite told me, “im not like that foo, I dont lie”, WHAT A FUCKING biggest lie of a fUCK,, they even lie about themselves pretending. And so I thought I could do my shit around him, but then I realize that he did infact mind all the stuff I did, by calling me an inconsiderate person for running the risk of smelling up the room from last semester’s roomate, so if he minded that, then he certainly minded the vinegar which he said it was O FUCKING K!!... if he lies about this, and then he made Diana not trust me, probably by saying that I take all of his stuff... what A frikin hypocrite!!! Thats why I cleaned up my room, thats why I sleep outside at night, because I also learned, although he wouldnt tell me straight out,, that my alarm bothered him.. so now that I know that, probably EVERYTHING I do bothers him, and I dont know HOW MUCH FUCK COMPLAINING HE IS saying behind my back, I dont know exactly what else he minds... so to be considerate, I must not exist for him, because I know that if there is anything about me that bothers him he will not say anything, he will pretend he is ok with it, just like all the oother whitman college fucks, stingy bastards... my mind is closed right now, its stuck on this possibility and interpretation, (something that Yonas doesnt even believe is possible to get out of, because whatever he says is right and must have evidence) if anything he allowed me to keep feeling comfortable just to have something to complain about to all his friends.. and if, I open my mind and this be forgotten withing the ocean of reality, Let it be known that by God, I decided to overcome this interpretation, and that there was no feeling of guilt in anything I did before this. All I want now is for everybody to turn against him for all the lies he spread, so he would feel rejected and to not be trusted as I was, but I have a feeling that it is not suppose to turn out this way... its just my mind being closed.
Even if I feel ok, about a situation, I still know my mind is closed, because I dont feel open, I hide feelings towards others that express themselves indirectly, I must pay attention to these signs, who knows how many inhibitions there are due to these prejudices. I must open, but HOW? How do I open up? I look around use my imagination think of endless things, of how or who God is? Of how I was born and the feeelings I was, llike if I was an angel what would have I done... like if I was a worm, with no other concern, then to live in the ground and never to learn, of the outside world the wonders there are, the laws there might be for the beings of above.. and I wonder now, what the angels think of me, what is the purpose on all of this, I open mind, but what does it mean, it doesnt seem easy but all I need is to become alive, to be aware, no inhibitions, no laws, now spare a life. Let the will of the unknown manifest through me like water through a pipe, like wind through a fan, like ether through each infinitely small noneness of my existence. Through and through, as I didnt exist but the will of the unknown through me. But I still dont get it, is my mind open yet? I still see the world, as if I know whats going on, I still see the world as if I livd in reality, but all is an illusion, as long as I am human, I am never really completely alive, and nothing really ever makes sense. I need to come up with a better method to open my mind, I guess a mantra.. I wish I knew, other than making an effort to use my imagination, to get mysel in situations that if it wasnt for my willingness I would get lost in anger and desperation, I need to get myself in situations that would force me to view the world with other eyes, and laugh at pain, laughter which indicates a transition to another realm, to another interpretation of our reality, to release the tension we had as we were dragged into unknown territory, this is what laughter is, I heard that science has not really understood, if this is true it is because they are stuck wondering about reality, when will they combine forces with Truth? I await, I see what I have, I realize the many things I am.. I want to open my mind, I am still afraid to go outside, so outside I will go, to let my mind be spurred, to allow imagination to take its motion... to seek another world.. I am off... I am afraid.. what is fear again? Remember.. and so it seems, that if I learn to laugh at it, that means I have understood, more than less, to live with it
OK SO THIS Is important, cmon, alright so I was walkingoutside, over the stream reading nicomachean ethics (I doubt it had anything to do with what I thought... now so I started thinking about how I needed to fix this situation I was in, I needed to fix it and I was concerend, I imagined the world was like this... ok so I tried to feel as if I was free of concern like an innocent child before its mother defiled... anyways so if I were to have a concern what would I do? I would go outside (or where the opportunities are), I would look for the fountain (that would solve all my problems), I woulld look for the chance, (to get rid of my concern) and these are everywhere (but only certain ones are seen), so this is why it sticks to my mind... because I am concerned that it shold be taken care of, IT MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF,, i want it to be taken care of and I am worried that it will never get the chance to get cleared up... and so I keep it in my mind to await for the situation, to wait concerned about the chance to get it done and out of the way, this is what it means to be concerned... so, how do I take care of it... a couple of days ago, I explained why I was not looking at girls in class anymore (I was actually paying attention), it was because I had it in me the plan the vision on what to do were I given the chance to approach them, it was in me, the decision was part of me, and not just them but everyone else, so example since I am the kind of person that asks girls if they want to kiss,I do it all the time, I am not going to be concerned and keep thinking about these girls in class, because most likely it will happen whenever I see them again, and if not it wont rerally matter because I do it all the time, and these girls are just like any other, in the way that I dont know anything aobut them, so asking them or someone else would have the same possibility of hitting the jackpot... ok so what do we learn from this,, whenever a problem arises it is a call for a change of lifestyle,, you are concerned about this one thing because when wuestions like these come up, you dont usually answer them correctly... so now, I must change my lifestyle so I would take care of the problem automatically without thinking about it, because thats just the way I am.. and this is it, whenever we get angry or uneasy, we can either take care of that one situation, or we can change our whole lifestyle to take care of that type of situation everywhere!! If we are concerned and angry about one thing it is because we do not want to change our lifestyle, it is like we want the problem to not exist in our lives but not making the effort to prevent or treat them... so we want to stay in our comfort zone, in our own little world and way of life that pretends that this problem will never come up again.
So I thought about laughter and I thought I wrote about it but i guess not... oh yea I wrote a lil phrase on it... ok so it says that if I laugh.it means I have understood it in a way that I am ok with living with it. So laughter is like ... oh gosh I really feel like if I already wrote about this...ok I did,,, so read it.. and there. Well, I just came back from man group, they invited me to the fall conference, I said I didnt know, then I thought about laughter and new world and whatnot, so I said yes... then they told me to contact Intervarsity staff... WTFUCK!! Dont you remember what you fuckng told me last semester.. you broke my heart to pieces after I semi-begged (I could have done a better job), and now you want me to kiss ass and ask you to please let me go to another one of your circus shows? So I told another staff, “I dont know about that, because of what happened last semester...” and he said, “oh its ok, this is just a conference” oh so your saying that.... FUCK CMON,, oh its ok that you suck at making friends and you freak people out its ok, its not like we are letting you go to Urbana or whatever the hell it was called. THE POINT IS THAT YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND YOUR LITTLE CHRISTIAN SISSIES and you have made that really CLEAR and there is NO FREAKIN REASON WHY I SHOULD ask you to please give me another chance at them because when I did honestly beg you gave me no hope, YOU HAVE NO FAITH, FUCK YOU!!! you only let me go when you feel like ill behave, when you feel like you are right, you have no faith in God or in me, you need “evidence” to show that I “have become a better person” but you really dont give a shit of what I care, my heart is broken, I will not let you get me excited anymore. If you let me go, then you are NOT leaving behind the other me that was so ready to go and was so excited to join NO, you reject him? You reject me... I will not go... let me tell yoou, although it appears UGHHHH, the thought of what i would do, if I did go,, Ill kill every fuckin christian there just to prove to you that “evidence” doesnt always indicate the truth, GROW SOME FAITH!! And so I could just let it go.. yea thats what I must do, just laugh into it, break into submission, kiss ass, make them believe like if I really want another chance to prove myself... and just laugh at how ridiculous this part of my life turned out to be. Haha ha, I feel better already.. did I mention I feel ridiculous,, God puts me through these things, he gives me these rules for a reason, I want to tell Him that He better not be shitting me, but who am i to say that... He gave me life and I love him for it, thinking about how I was before I was born makes me love life no matter where I am.. thank you God for this funny story... I love you.
Agh muffled laughter,, I am in a state of mind, my life is a comedy, I cant hear them laugh but I feel them laughing behind that sound-proof glass, they laugh at me and my life, there is no music, the silence is the music of this world, because all the attention is in the dialouge there is no need for muse, only irony, the irony is the center of attention, muffled thoughts, muffled excitement, my life is a comedy and everybody laughs (even me) at my ironic misery... hmm maybe Im doing this wrong.
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