It’s not the familiar-but-new feeling, its a feeling I know I’ve had before but it feels completely fresh!!
Its so beautiful, everytime I think about it, my burden gets lighter and lighter. My heart starts racing from excitement, not anxiety, worries that I didnt know were there are removed. But what does this all mean? What is this? I lay, trying to find a way to describe it, so I could tell the next person and explain what matters in life. I’m concerned about forgetting it, and then not being able to remember how to do it... my heart wants to jump out of my chest with excitement as I am typing this.
I kept thinking about it this way: In Wicca there is evocation and invocation: evocation is when you call energy out of your body to take care of things in the outside world, or to manifest a desire or something. Invocation is when you call a spirit or energy to come inside your body. After an evocation you feel drained (because of the energy that leaves you), after an invocation you feel energetic, (because of the energy that comes in). I remember I was always trying to do an invocation but I always felt drained afterwards; I also remember that before I got into Wicca, and after my obsession with this one girl, I would do this all the time that I would lay down and have a thinking session and I would feel inspired after it, keeping this in mind, I tried to figure out what it meant, and do “the opposite” of what I was doing those times. Basically, invocation felt like giving, I was (my fingers are shaking from the excitement as I am typing this... it is not an anxious excitement as if I am anticipating something or chomping at the bit, its like a joyful excitement, and it feels really good, as if I am getting kissed and I just want to cry)... Invocation felt like I was giving up instead of trying to receive or take something. And I guess it makes sense, because for the will of God to come into you, you have to give up your current will. But what makes it exciting?
Its like the sum and combination of everything I believe about God’s greatness. Like if all this time I was putting things together and now I lighted the spark, or maybe I was identifying things from when things were in motion and now things are in motion again and I am able to see how what I had seen before again.
Its like thinking about the terryfying situations you can be in, and how they are irrelevant because its the same as now. Would you lose a friend? There are friends now that I dont have, what if I never had a friend? Then this dare wouldnt matter. And I just keeping throwing stuff away like this... there is nothing I care about, I am free from desire. Would you die a virgin? This one is a little more difficult, but, would I be a virgin for five years? I was able to stay a virgin at least until I was 5 if I would have died at that time it would not have mattered, think of all those children that die before they get to go to disneyland, some kids never even get to go to disneyland, think of all those things that human beings are missing out on that are better than sex. It really doesnt matter to me if I die a virgin or not.
These are only examples of the effects of this state of mind, but what I want to do is identify the state of mind.
But there are limits: if you believe there are limits to what God can do, then there are limits to the things that you would give up... maybe.
Would you let God take that from you? Well he is already taking it (in this other way) and you are not minding, so you might as well give it up.
Would you live without that? Yes, you would, look how you have always lived without it.
As you grow older you begin to forget your past as a non-existant, so you begin to give value to corruptible objects in life, instead of the Unknown, instead of God Himself.
I keep trying to think of stuff that will piss me off so I can try again and try to observe the process again. But the process only says what I am doing, not what is causing it. I guess I just have to carry on until I fail again, and see if this is indefinitely repeatable.
I think its about not being concerned about things getting any worse: so what I am doing is thinking of the worst possible situation/s I can be in, and (this is the tricky part I have not solved) thinking how I would not mind them. When we place value on something corruptible we allow ourselves to be concerned about its corruption. The more value we place on the incorruptible aspects of life, we are not concerned about them, we feel free to do as we do and not fail. Situations that we would consider to be “worse” are not worse, and are not symbols of death anymore, but merely symbols of change, and since there is no dying as you walk into the valley of shadow and death, you only find new life. Since there is no way that God can die, His death only means new life in another realm. I was showering with the lights off again, as my vision begin to accomodate the darkness so that I could see the logarithmic patterns of light, I saw a big shadow on the wall in front of me; I was frightened by it, but then I remembered how I use to be just like that shadow and did not mind, I accepted it, and feared it not, but saw it as just another one of God’s wonders.
So why dont I mind?: I think its because I think about all the aspects that I am already in that “bad” situation, and how I can still be able to enjoy, or at least move along with nothing wrong, and all is nice and dandy.
So when we are concerned about doing wrong, we become afraid.. which is why God allows us to take risks in Christ that forgives us, so we can move along in life and not worry about taking “risks” like the servant with 10 talents, he was not afraid to lose his masters money, because he knew that if he did wrong, His father would forgive him.
So does this mean that we could sin without worrying about failure? Sin means worrying about failure, if you sin it is because you have placed value on something corruptible. Sin means not being able to turn away from because you are concerned about its corruption. If you sin, it is because you are already worrying about failure.
Addressing how it spreads, when nothing is wrong, you reflect that nothing is wrong and others will not be concerned about getting worse, at least about you. But if you cause something that they consider to be bad, then they will get concerned about you making things worse. I dont know if you can convince them or share with them the Truth that there is nothing to fear, I know that if you begin to agree with them and value the corruptibles that they value, then you will continue to be guilty, and therefore, less free. If you dont share with them, the value on the corruptible then you will have the freedom to not do it, and (if you dont value its opposite) to do it. If you value the friendship you have with this person you will be concern about its corruption, you will do things for the friendship out of fear, not out of love. If you are not concerned about the friendship but you still decide to do things for it, this is a manifestation of True Love.
So the nature of a threat and acceptance all depends on what a person values. So how is value placed?
The reason why ethics is such an obscure topic in philosophy is because there are so many peoplee in sin here that will keep telling you that you are wrong.
So how can you be sure when you know something? Well you never actually know anything, but since you are not concerned about a specific outcome, and you are considering all possibilities, then you cant be wrong.
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