April 8, 2010

I woke up this morning like always, not knowing what, wanting to be free, wanting to find Life, or find faith or something.  I looked back at my highschool for guidance, how I was obsessed with this one girl forr a couple of years, and when I gave up I woke up to world where I was no more afraid of pain, but I delighted in it.  Nothing could cause me more pain and bring me such hopelessness and make me so useless as my obsession had; I perceived myself to be utterly dead and hopeless, I thought about if I ever reached the bottom if I would ever die, my thoughts went to the most painful and disgusting thoughts I could imagine, oh the things I would go through, If I were ever to deliberately put myself in hell, I was not concerned about pain, and therefore, perceived many more possibilities.  So much time wasted, I was now going to free myself from this desire, and fall in love with Life itself.

But how did I do it?

Great things are hidden in the dark, within the things that you fear; be the rejected, be the suffering, be ready to live with Reality.

I got up from bed at about 8:30, and as I was about to brush my teeth, I tried to call my ex to tell her about Love.  I called her once, four rings, and I  hung up before I got the voicemail (so I wouldnt use any minutes).  I tried again, and I got the sensation that she would shut the phone up without answering answering, which meant that I would not get my four rings before the voicemail.  I was right, and thought, “Damn! from now on, I am going with my intuition.” But I decided to see it as if I went through it intentionally; if I knew all along that this would happen and decided to face a fear (which is a good thing), I would have still waited for the voicemail to come up.  I would have done the same thing, so I decided not to see it as if I did something wrong, but as if I intentionally did it to face a fear.  As I was brushing my teeth, this is what went through my mind, as I succesfully faced a fear:

CONGRATULATIONS! You just inevitably faced a fear, and now you are welcome to a new world... what would you like to do now?

1.      Go back

2.      Look around

3.      Go to another world

The travel between worlds is inevitable because of the belief you have because of the things you fear.  There is truly only one comprehensive World, but you wont see it all completely until your time comes... (I guess).  So far in my life, I can only travel from one to another seeing possibilities disappear and reappear, but I can never be everywhere at once.

Faith is knowing that just because you are blind to it, it doesnt mean it’s not True (keep this in your heart it might come in handy later on).

We move from one workd to another whether we feel ready or not.  We are always moving even into places that we fear though we dont always notice where we are until it comes to our attention.  I guess this new concept works to remove the notions that fear indicates that you do not belong in the world you are in and therefore you must go back.  Since you cannot go back, and why would you even try if you just keep changing? Or will you keep denying what goes on in the world around you?  Like if by shutting your eyes will keep your home from burning down, (just because you dont see it happening).  You realize now that you are unfamiliar with ANY world that you are in because of the things you choose to see is not the totality of this place you call home.

Feel the worlds around you, how they make you nervous to realize that you are not where you think you are (you are not safe from prejudice, from perverted eyes, from biological danger, from being the center of humiliation; all without you knowing), and you can slip into knowledge of these dark spots at any moment; as you try to get yourself out of this hole, remember that just because you dont notice them does not mean they are gone.  You can ignore all you want but this does not mean you can get rid of Reality.  You are in terrible pain, in utter humiliation, you are completely confused and deranged, (do you ever remember those people who dont seem to realize how stupid, how inconsiderate, and how embarassing they look? this is you, no matter what flawed reason you use to come up with an excuse to justify your actions), you are being lied to, you are being taken advantage of, you are being used.  But these are the beauties of Life, and you just have to learn to love themcompletely, so that your love for Life becomes Uncontional.

These feelings that you try to avoid, get used to them, because they represent new life, things about reality that you have deliberately never seen before.  What happens after death is utter mystery; not nothingness.  What lies in the dark is not what you see, but a world which you have not explored.

According to what we have decided to believe: Every action presents new choices to us, and what we choose from there presents other new choices.  With every choice comes and infinite amount of possibilities, and infinite amount of inspiration, meaning, and an infinite amount of Life, but never death.  As you are engulfed in darkness look around, and you will see that what you thought was darkness, actually brings life... you feel your heart racing, its not fear, but inspiration; your breath becomes tighter, cooler, and you break a cold sweat,it means that you are in love; as the moment passes by, yet when your memory dwells on it, that tight breath becomes a *sigh, as your body only remembers that  it went through as you roamed the whereabouts of your True Love; Him that your conscious mind fears and that your sinful mind avoids.

Think of all the situations you think are impossible for you to get into, the worlds that you think are repulsive; this is where newness lies.

Will I always see these dark spots? Or will my soul be bathed with light one day?  What does it mean to always be in submission to the Unknown?  Do we remain in submission by never reaching Infinity? Or do we reach Infinity by being in complete submission?

Whenever you find/see “pain”, it’s not because the World does not agree with you, but because you dont agree with the World.

We can be sure we see Truth, when in what we once saw nothing, there is everything; and what we thought was empty, we see that it is infinitely full.

A world where you dont judge things by its shape, color, or quantity; but by its essense, its history, its spirit and haecceity; you feel the beauty of things instead of seeing any shapes and forms. 

It turns out that the only knowledge worth knowing is the Arts, not the sciences:

Arts: they are depictions of reality, in some place and time in somebody’s mind, the world LITERALLY feels like so.  The many spiritual aspects of an object can be depicted through art.

Sciences: only one method of art, though it may break out into infinite branches, as in chemistry and physics which also branches out into quantum physics, and such.  But the method tries to exclude the many more senses of their discoveries.

This is how God looks into the heart, and judges not by the appearance, but by their essence.  Because the payoff of our actions come from our spirit.I am what my thoughts say that I am, though I decide not to proclaim it.  Though I am an adulterer, I am not one that manifests it in our outside world(this lack of confession is even worse; and because it keeps us from feeling disdain from others).

Before we were born and conceived, we knew absolutely everything, as we are one with the Unknown.  When we die, we actually move on to find peace and eternity; hell comes to those who cling to the knowledge of their pride, those who forget their holiness.Our worst nightmare, to be disconnected from Reality.

Facts that I owned:

Its always changing, might as well move on.  You cannot see everything, does not mean it doesn’t exist, does not mean you can’t do it.

Things are this way, there is nothig you should consider wrong.  When things are “wrong” its because of your lack of faith. 

Limits are actually new thing you should try.  Example: reacting differently to certain objects.

Extra notes:

Meaning = spiritual

Spiritual is what comes to be physically manifest, but that always exists though we dont see it.

(OMGGGG!!! Just thought of this right now... the clouds of probability that orbit around  atoms are full spirits?!?!)  Roaming in what is hidden, what is only  manifested in dreams (those aspects of reality which seem unfitting to with our outside world), until those manifestations become true, we realize that our everyday lifestyle was not what it seemed.

This is ridiculous, I am listening to “War inside my Head,” and with my new beliefs the song sounds different, the minor scale becomes an agreement, not anymore an emphasis. I hope I wont miss that sweet sense of fear.  Ok, nevermind its still there, but its more beautiful because it turns me on.

Today:  I found a reason to move my feet while I search for Truth.  Though I haven’t found the answer, I found how I can be at peace with myself, but why dnot I feel concerned about portraying unwanted images?  These images and  fear of portraying them are things I am ignoring though they are continually manifested.  Things come and go, no matter how much I try to control it I am always bound to portray these undesirable images, the projection does not even depend on my existence (how can even, a fictional character that never existed can carry such an embarassin image as Don Quijote? You are not safe from these, even if you dont exist).

Though I am at peace with myself, it does not by any means mean that I am at peace with Reality. I still fear, it does not mean that I am perfect.  But it wont help to torture myself over it.

I may be at peace with myself, but it, by no means, means that I am at peace with God, my sinful soul still struggles to avoid His presence.