After WCF I felt horrible... I was trying to mean it.. I was trying to think it as art, I was trying to accept it, I was trying to enjoy it... it came on very strong, I was trying to saacrifice, I cared not for a higher perspective, because this was, after all, part of the possibilities I would be willing to go through, and I gave it up, against my will, but I willingly gave up my life.
I was thinking about how not sleepy I was, and the reason I was trying to sleep is because everyone tells me I should get sleep. And then I did the same with the rest of my torment... they are not mine, but suggestions I receive from others, about how to feel about myself.
7:45 PM me: hey
Friend #2: hi
me: so it was you
Friend #2: what do you mean?
me: last night I was talking to intervarsity staff
I found her on facebook chat after wcf
7:46 PM I told her, and staff2 today
Friend #2: about what?
me: something weird happened yesterday
Friend #2: what was me?
what happened?
me: about what I was feeling
Friend #2: are you gonna tell me what happened?
7:47 PM me: the emotions went away all of a sudden
calm down little lady Im working on it
Friend #2: haha
your just making me confused and I wanna know whats going on
haha
me: anyways with the way my emotions left and how I felt afterward I got the impression
that:
7:48 PM the torment I was going through was not my own, but was subconsciously communicated from people around me
Friend #2: me?
me: I focused on girl and staff
7:49 PM but I got clean impression from girl
and mostly clean from staff
I didnt focus on you
I felt horrible
Friend #2: so why did you say "so it was you"
me: I dont know if it was the same as yours or you were projecting the image of your friend on me
7:50 PM Friend #2: can you say what youre saying more clearly?
7:51 PM me: what I felt last night was the second worst torment I have ever felt at whitman
maybe worst
it only lasted half an hour for me
7:52 PM but I can understand why someone would kill themselves after a couple of days of that
im telling you man, that was a fucking trip
Friend #2: are you saying that you had visions of my friend that killed himself?
me: so Im thinking you might have projected your friend's image on me so that I felt her pain
7:53 PM no stupid
no vision
just emotions and thoughts
Friend #2: whoa
no need for calling me stupid
so what were they?
and she was a he
me: whatever
dont worry about my language
Friend #2: just for the record
i know i know
7:54 PM me: its how I show my love
Friend #2: i want to know what you were feeling
when did this happen to you?
me: you wanna know what I was feeling?
last night bitch
lol jk
Friend #2: sure
stop
me: for half an hour after wcf
7:55 PM I dont know if it was yours or his
or if it was jjust me
but I was fucking hopeless
Friend #2: huh
7:56 PM give me more
me: no
shut up
Friend #2: what?
me: i felt like I was going crazy
Friend #2: how so?
me: hold on let me put it in words so that it makes sense
Friend #2: okay
7:57 PM me: umm, like everything that I was...
ugh
I dont know
hold on
lol
Im sorry I dont think I can explain
7:58 PM If I could, I would fix you up a drink with a flavor like the one I was experiencing, but I dont know how to make drinks like that
hold on let me think if I can communicate this
I was going crazy
like loony crazy
7:59 PM there were things that I was hoping for and things that were hidden
that others would find,
8:00 PM if others just knew what I was going through
(Im not sure about this line...)but nobody cares on the surface
8:01 PM I think I felt like I was working on something
8:02 PM or like I was not in the position to ask for help
like it would be pathe... no
8:03 PM like if I asked for help it would not fix the situation
8:04 PM Friend #2: so you think that my friends feeling were being channeled to you?
or are those your own feelings?
8:05 PM me: I dont fucking know,, all I know is that they left all of a sudden, and those things are not things that I usually care about
Friend #2: huh
thats strange
me: but it was from large group for sure
Friend #2: what did staff and staff2 say about it?
8:06 PM me: I told staff not to believe me that it may just be my imagination
and I didnt think about you until after I talked to them
8:07 PM but staff2 understands
what I have told him about how people learn sin by example and how it may get transferred subconsciously
8:08 PM and how we must look towards the example that Reality provides
Friend #2: huh
me: nothing...
Friend #2: thats interesting.... i think
hah
8:09 PM im just a little confused
me: oh well I could tell you about my....
Friend #2: sorry
you justlost me for a bit
me: I post my Diary on facebook
Friend #2: is that the reason why you emailed me?
me: Im working on somehting
emailed you what?
oh yea, after the trip I emailed you
8:10 PM Friend #2: the email where you asked if everything was okay
me: yea, but I didnt think it was from you until a couple of hours after you told me about your friend
I meana coup hours after I read it
8:12 PM but it could be the same reason
anything can be a sign
8:13 PM Friend #2: thats really interesting
8:14 PM me: reallY?
Friend #2: i mean sort of
its kind of hard if everything can be a sign
me: actually, I believe EVERYTHING is a sign
of EVERYTHING
8:15 PM but your mind chooses to see things that will show your conscious something thtat yours subconcious is concerned about
8:17 PM Friend #2: okay
i can agree with that
me: so the pain that YOU ar experiencing does it make yyou want to kill yourself?
8:18 PM Friend #2: i get a lot of signs here and there like taht
that
me: tat
Friend #2: no
me: or like your hopelessly lost?
Friend #2: did the feelings make YOU want to kill yourself?
nope
me: HELL FUCKING YES
8:19 PM Friend #2: just for that 30 mins?
or do you still feel that way?
me: Im telling you, I could understand how someone would want to kill themselves after feeling that for a couple of hours
Friend #2: well of course
me: specially if it was day to day
Friend #2: i can understand that too
me: I give it probably 3 days of five hours each
Friend #2: what does that mean?
8:20 PM me: no I just felt it for thirty minutes with probably a 10 minute climax an 5 minuites of ighest intenstity
(estimating)
8:21 PM it means I think I would kill myself after a three day program of a daily five hour session of that
Friend #2: huh
that sucks
8:22 PM me: well whatever
Friend #2: whatever
ha
me: it kind feels good in hindsight
I mean like, cool
Friend #2: ya?
8:23 PM me: it was intense
lol
Friend #2: that you got to experience that?
me: yea dude
Friend #2: dude
me: its like death metal
LOL
Friend #2: i know nothing of death metal
me: I sent you that song once
unless you didnt listen to it
8:24 PM Friend #2: that was a long time ago and i rpobably only listened to it for like 5 sec
sorry
me: lol
you suck
Friend #2: :)
me: you suck large
8:25 PM Friend #2: yesss
me: mhm
8:26 PM ok listen to this...
8:27 PM its a song about Cain
8:28 PM will you listen?
Friend #2: i dont know
why do you want me to listen to i?
it?
me: nvrmind whatever I dont car
Friend #2: haha
send it to me
i was just kidding
8:29 PM me: just cuz I think its awesome and I want you to think its awesome too
Friend #2: i will listen to some of it
me: do you know Cain
Friend #2: lets see if i think its awesome
nope
me: Genesis chapter four
Friend #2: McCain
?
nope
me: Cain and Abel
OMG
Friend #2: explain please
i know Abel
8:30 PM me: Cain is the brother who killed him
Friend #2: Cain is not ringing a bell
oh okay
me: gosh were you raised christiian or not
Friend #2: nope
not at all
me: oh ok
Friend #2: no religious background
me: its not christian music
Friend #2: i figured
me: but the players are outcasted catholics
8:32 PM Friend #2: does it have words?
oh okay
i dont really like music like this
sorry
me: yea not many people do
8:33 PM Friend #2: but you do
me: or I dont meet that many people that do
I like alot of weird stuff
8:34 PM Friend #2: i know
me: you know one time, I fucked my bible
Friend #2: huh
weird
well im gonna go now
me: lol yea
Friend #2: thanks for telling me taht
8:35 PM me: watever
Friend #2: thanks for sharing your story
8:36 PM :)
have a goodnight
me: i still havnt told you that one story
8:37 PM Friend #2: next time
i gotta do some hw
sorry
8:38 PM me: im not gonnsa... sure go a head
This was about the night before when I literally felt like I was going to puke out my sanity!
I was ballin' heavy!!!
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