April 2, 2010

Why does it take effort? I think because I am afraid of it.

If I identify it... I can address it.  But probably not accept it, but alter it; like flavored water, instead of enjoying water.

Thoughts that once used to seem productive, are now a waste of time.

I can feel the cold in parts of my body creating a shape in my life, shaping my universe.

These quiet distinctions are the voice of God.

Its true there is something wrong with me, something that people dont like, but thinking that it matters makes it worse and fixing the problem doesnt get rid of it.

I have an idea of the effects that openness is suppose to bring but it wont work the way I used to think it worked, because the method is driven by mundane desires for glory and acceptance (but do these desires mean anything).

Today I noticed that I was, I was holding myself back from smiling, like the smirk that people get.  Which kept me from fully expressing happiness.

Now this feeling I have inside that frustrates me is trapped inside me because I have been thought that its no use crying, specially if no ones around around to see it, just like I was singing this morning, I had dreamed up this song “I was told to block away the tears that come from my face to show not an irrelevant side.  And now, as time comes to perfect time, the unreasonable law abides, not to let sadness conquer my eyes.”    But we really need to let it out indefinitiely, this is our state of nature to constantly feel this relief, and we are dying and in pain because we dont allow ourselves to breathe.

Or is it for a purpose? Is it because of death that we cry? Or we need to constantly cry because of the constant forces against life, we need to laugh for the same reason. Or is this where life and inspiration takes us?

Like when a newborn lets out all the life it has by letting out all that it can, it is not concerned about hurting any ears, it proclaims like and essence of power through its cry.  Is this the nature of every human being?  Is this how we worship Reality?

Or maybe its a result of imbalance, and all thats not living and being manifested allows this to be isolated, the sadness of sin, even when a baby is born it recognizes that its not what its suppose to be. 

I feel death at the ends of my life sending a signal each from its side colliding at this point and time saying “make it count”.

I feel some movements on the outsides of my body, its probably movements of energy in the unused parts of my brain.

As I walk through here, I see things that may be wrong, but they may be right, there are certain things that I feel like doing, that I feel like having, these are my desires, but in reality there is no perfection, I try to tell myself that no matter what happens it will be perfect, but Im concerned about things being perfect, in reality there is no perfection, because everything is perfect.  I do some things and I have to understand that what happens is not good or bad, right or wrong, there is no judgement, it just is, it doesnt judge itself, and I shouldnt judge it either, and though I want to feel this freedom, there are so many indications in my mind, received from the symbols around me, that tell me, that make me believe, that things should be a certain way, and it doesnt allow me to do anything, it block so many aspects of my mind, I do not feel free, there are so many inhibitions around me.  And its not just when i come to them but they are always there, whether I decide to feel them or not, they are part of my life  and they make up: who I am being, but not: who I am.  I am everything that can ever be, but I can only be what I’ve been taught to  allow myself to be.

When concern destroys the object it is trying to protect.  How if you fear the corruption of a corruptible object, you are bring it to its end.  The things that naturally flow through it holding its essence, are seen as harmful to it, by him who is sinfully concerned.  The impure attempts to hold the state of a corruptible object, seize the natural flow of the object’s essence.

Hey,

About today, sorry for startling you like that, I really didnt mean to do that...

I felt like crying when you told me that you were scared of me, there is too many people that feel the same way.  I dont know what it is, I’m not trying to scare anyone, but I guess there something wrong with my face or something, the way I use my expressions probably.  It feels like everytime I try to be myself someone ends up feeling unsafe and reporting me.. which is why I dont feel like anybody wants to be around me.  I am not angry or trying to beat anyone down, I just like rough play and heavy humor, so please dont mind.

Just explaining things hoping that you wont feel like im not safe to be around, and ultimately because I am worried about getting reported again, that would be sad, hope you understand.

Oh and Tom, I like him because he is the only mentally stable person I’ve met in walla walla, that understands where I am coming from.