April 5, 2010

The image of the warrior, mentioned by... I forgot her name, I met her in I think it was a reuniun  of some sort, anyways, it had something to do with buddhism or taoism or something... It came to me this morning but I am afraid to use this method because I do not say how I figured it out except that

Another image is to be able to take it up the ass, thats what I kept repeating that day before it happened, I guess what you have to do is want it over anything else, and admit that and you must always want it like that, want it over anything else.  Take it up the ass, or in other words, be insubmission to it.

Why do people say that Life is a bitch?  What did they expect? What were they trying to do with it so that they are left unsatisfied this way and see it as bitchy?  Were they trying to tame Life?  Did they think they could be in control of Infinite Life itself with their corrupt and finite minds?  Treat Life with the and openess and respect it deserves, and you will come to understand it more fully, stop trying to deceive it, stop trying to coerce it to do what you want, love whatever it gives you, because

Life is not a bitch, Life is a pimp, be a good bitch and it won’t treat you so bad, be an assertive and creative bitch and you may get a promotion!

Why are people who worship God, who practice submission to Him, unsatisfied?  Because they they try to use God to help them tame Life,forgetting that God is Life itself.  Be in submission to God/Life, receive its blessings and do not deny what you dont like about it, But Love it fully.  Be Life’s wife and Love it Unconditionally, because any other husband lacks comprehensiveness and is unfitting.  Be in submission to Life and no one and nothing else, but there are so many things in Life how do you know which one  Life is?  How do we know what to submit to?  It does not matter what we do or choose, as long as Life is the only thing we value, we can never be disappointed.

Life does not disappoint, disappoint comes because you submit yourself to something other than Life.  Life would not disappoint because submitting yourself to Life would be to not deny the Truth of anything that is True.

Also remember that Life Loves you Unconditionally, and everything that it throws at you, are only a mix of soft and sharp gifts, it never wants to punish you, and it never hates you.  You cannot reject things just because they are weird and new, but learn how Life has meant for you to love what it has given you, and savor every aspect of it.

And this is why I say that confusion and conflict is beautiful, because to accept, we must learn to love those things we hate, even hate itself.  We must love everyone and everything for who and what they are and expect nothing different from them, then what they are.

Anyways, sometimes we try to love and accept those things that we are afraid of, but the feminality of the “wife” image may make some of us think that we cannot be assertive, and that we must be innocent and afraid; this is not submission to God, but to the gender role that culture has presented.  The image of the warrior, anything that comes is no sweat; I have a feeling that these “images” is not how I should be trying to solve the problem, I am submitting to the images rather than to the Totality of Life, but it will help for now,  have not been going anywhere... and I am afraid of being afraid of something thats coming later in the day, I am submitted to corrupt things and I do not know any other way to, solve the problem.  This is insane, idolatry should not be the answer to idolatry.

I need to see not only how I can stand the blessings of God, but how I can appreciate them and see beauty in them.

Ok this may the answer since it keeps coming up: to realize what God is, His Unknown and Infinite wonders, to be amazed at the wonder of Life as if it was your first day alive, and every new thing that happens, be not afraid of it, but be curious, look into it and see its wonders, its simplicity or complexity, its complexity within its simplicity, and never wish it was gone (even though you may not say it, you may still wish it).  I will try to collect reasons and descriptions to love Life.

Trying to love something, when you see someone that likes something weird, and you want to understand why they love it.  You ask them what about it, makes them love such a thing.

Listening to “mean girl” by Unwritten Law, and thinking about what true love is, the kind that makes you feel free and inspired, actually inspired, not just that you want to be with that person, and that you all this nasty stuff that you like with her, but you would love anythi... this is hard to describe, its a new concept but I am using all the same words I have heard before... does this mean that there is no way to tell if you are really in love?  I think the key word here is “inspiration”: you know your love is true not when you would be willing to give up whatever you have for the other, but when you are inspired that it these other things do not matter; so you cant boast or complain about what you have given up, unless you wake up from the love spell. True love is not about suffering sacrifices, its about coming to the realization that the objects that you used to hold dear are worthless, you are inspired to be free.

And now when you are in Love with Life you would be inspired to go through anything, not just for Life’s sake, but because of the fact that your comfort is meaningless compared to the meaning of life...agh I am not saying any of this right.

Consider Life and Infinity as a whole, remember death and what mattered then, and why do things matter now, and what will they matter after this life is over,  this could be seen as something to be depressed about, if you dont consider the wonders and Love of Infinity, or it could be seen as inspirational, you are free to do as you will.

Prayer to Reality: think of the reasons why you are afraid and why every reason that you find in every step you take towards it does not matter.

Just because the possibilities are not outwardly manifested does not mean that they are not True.  When a person asks, “would you...?” this would is part of this person and thee rest of reality  even if they never do.  And what people in sin do not know is that they “would... anything!”  because every person has its price, whether its in monetary or emotional wealth.

I always thought about how to anticipate things, or how to be ready for things to happen, well its to not fear them, and not try to avoid them, if you fear them and you try to avoid them then when they do happen it will be a surprise, because of all the efforts one did to avoid a certain problem.  You can never get completely rid of a possibility in Infinite Reality, and you cannot avoid it forever.  If you do not fear it, you will not be afraid to consider it, and if you consider it without trying to avoid, you will be ready when it comes.

The problem is that for some reason, when things seem to be going well for a while with the same repeated symbols we connect God with the symbols and so end up in idolatry.  If your happiness depends on any outside symbol then its idolatry.  Whoever depends on the approval of others to feel free, is commiting idolatry.  In the end we are all... so when do we ever respond to our environment?  Well, this is only describing perfection; in a sense this may be the description of God, and the lower beings may  be those who depend on the environment, and those that are able to seek out happiness independent from the environment are those made in the image of God.  I am not sure about this as I think in genesis before the fall of man, maybe it was True that Adam, created in the exact image of God, also did not depend on idols, but only after sin came in God had mercy on us though we are unfit for reality.

I shouldnt be ashamed of my nature, though I should try to improve it, I must be at peace with myself.  Again I repeat, you should not fear being afraid, I am just afraid to go by this, because last time I did, I was afraid.

Its comforting to know that all those who would ever offend me are weak... though this is useful... should I use it?

If you truly do not fear it, you would have considered it in your calmness, the purpose may not be to consider all things at will, but fear not when they come to remain true to calmness.

What terrifies me about this:

Is that you dont learn by looking, you can open a box and look inside, and still not see its contents, you can go inside a room and still not see what is in there; it terrifies me because this would mean it is possible for me to be lost in utter darkness no matter what I decide to do on the surface, I could decide to donate money to a kid and regret it most painfully for the rest of my life... this means that I have to learn to be at peace with the possibility of utter darkness in other words, I must be at peace with hell.

At wcf I had the feeling that I was who I was.. and needed nothing to prove it.

I also figured that the reason why I am not going anywhere is because I am not taking any steps because I know that I am not complete... but if I dont take any steps, how the hell am I gonna move forward?