April 24, 2010

Listening to: Warbrain – Alkaline Trio

Thinking about:

Whereever you go, the new things you experience, and the place you explore,

you realize that there is something about it that seems familiar,

it is something that is a part of this realm that you know as “Life”.

You are lost, and this is your home.

Proclaim to all: they are free from sin because ther is no death,

All is living, all is blessing,

there is nothing to need, and there is no need to do,

then this is already heaven;

but to get there we must understand, that all is peace,

and realize that what we once called injustice, is only the awesome:

Art of Reality

Tragedy of Life

There is no way to escape this Great God called Existence,

because everywhere you go you will always be at home.

Funny how life works, you can’t miss out on anything and be happy.

Being all you dont get something until you learnt that you can live without it.

The burdens that you now have, there is no way to get rid of them.

There is no way to get rid of Life:

It does not matter how much I sleep, I am always tired.

It does not matter how much I eat, I am always hungry.

It does not matter how much I drink, I always thirst.

It does not matter how much I masturbate, I am always horny.

These were not meant to be gotten rid of:

When Jesus talks about the water that if you drink you will never thirst again,

He is talking about these, but we must drink this water.

You must drink the thirst, let it be part of you,

Only then will you never need to drink this water again.

This, what I am trying to get rid of is my home; what I am trying to understand, when I was meant to forever be confused.

Hell is full of people who would rather commit suicide than live, Heaven is full of people who would rather go to hell than die.  I wish I was in constant never-ending pain, so that I would be forced to understand what it means to Live.

A girl made me cry last night, we were praying around her, everyone laid hands on her, after I made a prayer she told me to take my hand off of her, because she didnt know me thata well.  I was feeling free that night (so free that I got yelled at by a driver and then a cop told me to get off the road), cant remember why?  So I didnt hold back or make an excuse for my tears.

But I learned something from it of course, she did nothing wrong (no one ever does anything wrong), my sadness came from myself, because I did not understand.  I have known this, but I have always been afraid of getting lost in oblivion.  My mind is always going crazy these days, I love it right now.  I spend my time reflection on the eminent pain that is eternally constant and ever-present, and thinking about how I must love it so that I have a motivation to live.

Wondering about how the only thing that people mind, that anyone is ashamed of, that make people tick is finding out that they had not considered a possibility, when they thought they had everything covered (basically, of being wrong); of finding out that their world is a delusion, that they do not live in the world that they thought they were in, this is every sinful being’s nightmare.

Today I have been trying to understand this, that there will always be things that come at me by surprise; I have been trying to realize the value of fear; the beauty of being lost.

I am searching for a joy that will never be shaken by Absolutely anything; but such joy can only be reached if you can have joy in a life in which joy can be shaken.

This is what I have believed for more than years: Hell and Heaven are one thing, the distinction between both comes in the person itself, whether they are willing to live with the Truth or not

When I read Revelation I read it like this: when it talks about that Great and Terrible day, it is the damned that will want to die because of God's eminent Glory. Those that pure-heartedly search for Truth, will be transformed...

Therefore:we live in dark times... not because of the things that people do. But because of the HATE that people have towards the things that are done.

Maybe my problem is not being able to Love, but not knowing what to Love.  (Maybe because Love comes naturally to us, as natural as our will to Live).  I think the problem is that I keep forgetting what to Love (it would make sense, since everytime that I feel that Blessed Lovingness is because I find out what it is that I have been actually fearing; a dark spot in my consideration, where I think there is death; though death does not exist, these dark spots do; and only until I love them will light shine upon them; God presents to you a box, with Unknown inside of it; it is a gift, He says that you must open it.  Your Love for the Gift of Life must be Unconditional if you want to open this box; you must not be afraid, and you can’t hope for it to miss something (or else it would not be Unknown).

Yesterday I learned that: how could I ever be happy in a world where I never have to cry?  When I will never be confused again?  I should not be trying to avoid these, these are part of Life, and just let them happen, let them go through me as they come, not having faith in something better afterwards, but knowing that this is the Best.

            So am I at peace when I am afraid?  When I dont want to go outside, when I feel uninspired... when I feel dead, when I would rather die, when I wish that the world was better, when I wish my life was different, I shall be at peace with my emotions, with my hesitation, with my doubt, my lack of faith, my fear and its “unfortunate” effects in my life.  I shall be at peace with my conflict.

            Fear is what grows inside of me when I feel rejected for too long, the same fear that wakes up when I think of talking to people.  I must be comfortable with one, to be comfortable with the other.  I shall not fear ANYTHING that is going on, no matter how bad I think its getting.  Because if I fear these extremes, they will show up when the opposite of what we fear is happening, we will never be at peace.

Example: I am afraid to talk to girls because of fear of being rejected, so I dont talk to them.  I get lonely at nights and I am concerned and I tell myself that I should not fear.  When I try to talk to a girl again, I remember how lonely I was the night before, and how if I fear I will always be that lonely.  I want to talk, but I dont want to be rejected, I dont want anything to go wrong, because I am afraid of being alone all my life.  Until I am comfortable with being alone for the rest of my life, only then will I feel comfortable with being rejected, therefore feel comfortable with talking to girls, therefore feel comfortable with being myself in front of them, feel comfortable with letting them know the truth about myself.

Whatever happens, wherever fear leads you to, dont mind; because this fear will show up in a different setting and lead you the opposite way.

Friend of Fear.

At peace with my emotions, with how I feel about things.

Im trying to understand how this works, that when I admit my fear, it makes what I fear less relevant.  That when I feel free to stand still, I feel free to move.  Though when I am afraid to stand still, it does not matter how much I move, it feels like I am standing still.

Right now I am afraid that this method does not encompass everything that may come along, I guess I should just wait until something shows up.  If I am afraid of being blind, it does not matter how much light is shone, I will never see enough.

So should I be afraid or not? I dont fucking know...

I guess it should not be a concern.