November 30, 2009

I once wrote in highschool, while I was taking a shower.  That it is our job, as existing beings, to create for ourselves a reality, and have beliefs that will optimize our effect on reality.  I feel like this is what I am doing

I saw “second hand lions” with my friend and his mom before break,  The guy said that one of the beliefs that we must hold as true even though they may not be, is that every man, has the best intention in mind for others.  I didnt understand this until today; it is because our thoughts about the world compose the way our reality is for us, and if we dont believe this, then we will be tempted to pay them back with evil (no matter how wrong we may be or not), or we may be discouraged to live.

I had dreams, many, the parrot that got hit by a UFO, I grabbed it and it was biting me, I ripped off its legs, cut its beak (though its still had octupus beak left over), gouged out its big eyes (it had eyes the size of a cartoon parrot), and broke its wings, I didnt mean to rip off its feathers, but they were off.  And it became like a worm. I wanted to keep it alive with the least limbs as possible, so then I ripped off its head and cut its body into pieces.  After that, its body began to slice itself vertically, those pieces, eache length of piece was kept in a section of a worm of bags, the headbag was separated.  Some of the slices, rotted, some of them turned to blood, some of them dried up.  I could see the head try to eat a throat sized bird pellet, and I could see it come out the back of its throat.  I wonder how it felt to be alive.

I was walking in a new version of whitman college, I was thinking of singing aloud the songs that were coming to my head,, I was coming from or going to see a friend, some guy accross the street called me over, I stopped for him, because thats what I would want from myself.  He looked like he had been crying, he told me, “you know the guy who has been going around shooting people?... He is over fifty years older than you” then he reach for something inside his pocket, I could see the shapee of a pistol, I tried to run, he shot me, wither sholder or waist.  I tried to scream or something, nothing would come out.  He went up to another girl, I tried to tell her to “run”, “gun”, “yell”, “help”  I tried to make motions with my fingers to tell her to run away, I was becoming weaker and weaker, so my finger motions werent very clear, the only word that came out of my my mouth was “pistol”.  Before I passed out I saw him put his gun on her hand, forcibly. I wake up.

Kamil singing, “Satanic man, Satanic man, Satanic man, Satanic man”

I dont really remember the order of this, but there is a scene, where I flirt with a girl, and she likes me, but then I annoy her and she hates me.  And I understand, and I try to work with it.  I am a freak, everybody thinks I am a creepy son of satan, and I play into it very well, my aura is dark and defiled, and I climb on walls and creep through places to get to my room.

I am given a gun, a small pistol, I go out to a hall, and about to go out the door, I see people that look out the door, they get back, face the wall closest to them and cover the rest of their field of vision with their hands, for some reason I think this is very wrong, I wait to see the person that comes through that door, it is a black lady, she has her own body guards, I get my pistol and I shoot a couple of times, nothing happens to her, then I take of the cover off of the sppout of the pistol and shoot her again, nothing happens to her, she says she will take care of me, I am afraid, I try to run away, but she is powering up, I decide to fly up and in between these moments, I pray to God and my faith increases drastically as I say, “that I have the right of the Almighty God!”  I turn back to fight, everything is too bright, I wake up.

Romanticism class: when you walk with a purpose,  you do not notice the landscape... I do, even though I have a destination, I still pay attention to my surroundings, people see me walking, I look weird, I guess.  The prophesying girl told me that I see things others dont, should I try?  I dont know, God, is any of this even real, my purpose in here is gone once I have nothing to sense that it is real.  I am such faithless, if I cant see it it is not real.  But the truth is, that its not real (to me), because I am not looking at it.  But if I use my imagination to see things that are not there (at first) in my perception, they will soon be real, as I begin to notice things (with the same type of love) that give me that impression.  So all I have to do, is visualize an image, and pretty soon, my imaginary frame shall match something in real life and, if I framed to follow it, then this will also be seen in real life.

A prayer, to cast away all bad intentions, all things that bring these types.

Nature of a threat: one becomes threatened when they are not willing to accept an emerging truth of the world and of life.  //(and sin is this, every feeling that is negative, that humans have come to reject Life, and willing to die for the illusion of a peeve.  Nothing is meant to bother us, there should be no such thing as pain in life, but we make pain unacceptable, it is now genetic, as the sin is passed on from generation to generation, now the Infinity, of Life and its elements are able to be hated, now the general direction of the human being is downward, towards ignorance, towards lower energies, towards death)//  When one doesnt like something, s/he is threatened.   One does does not like something when it bothers them, it bothers them because they expect it to be their own way.  Or when they have an unaccomplished ideal or goal.

I am threatened that others will be threatened.  Because thats what got me in trouble, I am threatened to get in trouble, I dont mind getting in trouble, but every one else has the  same value as I, so I shouldnt threaten  them because I wouldnt like my mind to be closed up.  So I will try not to threaten others, but I should not be threatened myself, so I should not be threatened to threaten others.  What good is trying to not threaten others if you yourself must be threatened to accomplish that.  So dont be threatened...

But I must try to not threaten anyone, should not I be careful, doesnt this give me a goal?  And because I have a goal, I also have a risk to fail?  I must have no goals so that I dont fail, this is already a goal, I am failing at having nothing to fail at.  But thats ok, at least it isnt a paradox, once I have no goals, having no goals will not be a goal, it will just be one of my characteristics.

So I must live without goals, but I must treat others so that they accomplish the same thing (open their minds continuously), but I myself have no goals, what about life? I must represent Life with all my being.  This is my goal? What about all of this?  Do I give these up? Do I give everything up for the sake of life?  What about doing God’s will?  Should not this be a goal?

I think they are more suggestions, so that you may do what you want... not really goals, because if you fail? Its ok, because of Jesus’s sacrifice.

November 29, 2009

I see the clouds in the trees, while on the freeway with a fellow Whittie,  I think about it, if I were there, it would look ike fog.  How could I go through a cloud and think of it as a cloud instead of fog?  Maybe if it was only a part oof it sticking out, and I would have a choice to touch it or not.  Yea, it would feel like mist, I mean and when I do go through fog, I shold already think of it for what it is, it is a cloud, (but they dont connect) because I must think of clouds as fragments of water, I must think of fog as water fragments in the air, I must think of fog as humid air, and clouds as humid air.  And so I see a trailer on the freeway splashing water up from puddles, shooting water fragments to its sides, making the air on its sides humid, the truck had clouds chasing it on its sides.  Before I would think its silly to think of it like this, but now I see how its true.

Nature of the threat:  I am afraid, I will get upset if a certain thing happens, this is a sin, because we want to Live, we have already admitted that we want to Live, the question is, would you still want to live if this happened? Would you still love Life, would you still love existing, would you still love God if you had to go through this?  I should not feel any threat, but live with a high esteem, and the best attitude, no matter what I go through, no matter what Life puts me through I will love it for the sake of God.  I shall not feel threatened, even of the fact that others may be threatened, that others may judge, I may act against it, as they are assumptions, but I shall not feel any threat.  So whatever the result may be, its all good, you work with it. 

The thing that I was considering is that you cannot expect others, or you should not rely, depend, on others’ good nature, its something that I go by, because I have a thing about doing things myself, you can ask for a favor, but dont expect it to be done or exactly.  Or if you forget your wallet somewhere, dont expect to gett it back, everyone has their own problems, and if you dont have any, you shouldnt expect the rest of the world to be perfect.  And just like you dont expect others to be humble in this way, you shouldnt expect others to not expect high standards from you.  And because you dont expect others to make it easy for you, its ok that others are judemental like this.

The book of Proverbs has so many good advice for the general  man to follow.  They make sense, and seem to be natural consideration.  But you cant expect everyone to have read Proverbs and to know common sense.  So if someone pukes in your car, dont think bad of them, or as idiots, cuz they may know something you dont, they may have a philosophy that makes their actions make sense, so instead of getting uneasy because they dont think like you, you should try and find out how they think, ask them why is this action? Why do you think such?

Another thing that plays into this cooncept that may have crossed your mind, is that you first wish that this person would act like you, when they do this unexpected act of puking  in your car, you wish they would think like you.  So your job is to be that person that you wish existed, someone that would think, or try to think like you, but for this other person.

Another concept that could be addressed here, is that instead of the driver getting angry, at the action of the passenger (puking), the driver automatically wishes that the passenger thought like him.  But if the passenger had done something good, the driver may tolerate the different point of view of the passenger, or consider it and disregard.  OR depending on the impression that the action of the passenger gives, the driver may even wish to think like the passenger.

So there are three cases: 

1)      the driver gets angry, (wishes the paassenger thought like him)

2)      the driver disregards (only tolerates the passenger’s point of view)

3)      the driver... (wishes to think like the passenger)

The open minded option is to always wish to know and understand the thoughts, world, and philosophy of others.  But often even though something is beautiful, it is quickly disregarded, (depending on the interest of the observer).  Then it is possible that the observer is actually repulsed by something so that they try to not accept something.  Whenever somehting repulses you, you are closing your mind to it.

So these results depend on the openness of the observer, my question is, how do I find out which actions are repulsive, ok, or intriguing, to the observer; I expect it to be different for every observer.

I think to find this out, I must use my assumption of language, language uses symbols to represent a certain idea, you can use representatives (instead of the actual action), to get a little a representation of their reaction to it.  But sometimes people lie, so I have to figure out why people lie.My fellow Whittie here says, “People lie because it is not in their best interest to tell the truth.”  So the symbols that you give that would represent the situation, should have a reflection that makes telling the truth their best interest.  I dont know how to reflect this though.

I am more concerned about the possibilities rather than likeliness, because likeliness changes depending on context, but possibilities are always possible.

Excitement is an accomplishment through inhibitions, no inhibitions, equals no excitement..

I am still concerned about: how do I let others know of my layback?  How do I appear vulnerable?

What does it mean, when someone tries to regain themselves?; in “threat” terms.

November 28, 2009

Benefits, of existing: naturally, good things will happen by exposing the truth.  Because people tend to think that they must keep silence if everyone else is silent, but this is not the case... What about gossip?  What about judgementalness? These fall under, the fact of risking of shutting someone up... something you dont want to do... so it should be addressed, I want you to know that you must not shut up (feel threatened) by what I say, even if I mean it as a threat.  This also addresses active forgiveness, where someone tells you to go away, but you love them to their face instead, not to make them feel bad, but to encourage them to talk, and taking your right to not feel threatened.  Both considered. Do not shut up around me... and also what I really want to know for people to open up around me... how do I let others know that they shall not feel threatened around me?

Also I want to know what symbols and sign to pay attention to (oh and the questions to ask), to measure the opennes of a person. Sharing, staring,

And also the red shirt business (will probably naturally be adressed by the flow?)

We are going through infinite amounts of infinitely small spaces, the result is, we are not always here.  We exist and not.  We are going through infinite amounts of infinitely small moments. The result is, we are in times that are not felt.This is what I thought about when I was kid, reality that we live in, because of this, is infinite, and if its true that it is not infinite, that this world is pixelated, then it is not perfect, it is not legitimite enough, it is not real enough.  Reality, Perfect Reality, is Infinite, not pixelated.

I found two rings today, at seattle shore, aaaia now consider it a  sign.

I was walking, in seattle, city people, so am I threatened? No but I am not doing anything, maybe I need motivation forward, or maybe I still have backward inhibitions.  I think it works either way, if you are motivated forward, you are automatically getting rid of inhibitions backwards, and vice versa.  Ok so supposedly, I had no inhibitions, but now what I thought. No body looked, no one would care. I looked and everybody minds their own business? And?...  I had forgotten, (so I smile and nothing else happens, I am like a Utopian citizen that everybody just ignores) the other rules, the other elements that composse life, expression.  Ah yes, expression, how would that help? What if I expressed completely and everyone still ignored, what would that mean? What would it make of my mission?

I have to be careful to not make anyone feel threatened... what is it that threatens people? How do I know this of each individual?  What they have gone through, what their situation is, even if I smmile at them, they may perceive it as a threat.  How do I know what not to do with each person?

I bet there is a risk factor for this, and how every morining we wake up, and take the risk to get off our bed and live everyday. 

A semi-universal language:

The Universal language is God, our languages are only assumptions, and the counter-example against any human-made so-called “universal language” is the file on..\My Words\Completion (What we know)\What if\What if.People.docx...

So there is not such human universal language, even smiles can be read, and interpreted and can lie.  But there are assumptions that we make, and we must remember our assumptions to realize that we do not know Truth, and that we can be wrong.

So here are the assumptions:

That a person does as he would be ok with being done unto: that a person lives up to the standards that they hold up or expect of others... this may depend on positions of power and representation (example, an adulterous person may still expect a preacher to not be adulterous, but this person would be ok if a person of his own status, her in her own position, were to be found adulterous)  people tend to judge others in situations that is unknown to them, when they think they can imagine what it is like to be in that situation, so they think they know others, and they judge wrongfully due to the lack of information.

And this makes me feel disappointed, hopeless, overwhelmed at the amount of wrong judgement and misunderstanding in this life, I feel oppressed, threatened.  I shouldnt, why not? I want to not threaten others, I am threatened thhat they may be threatened... so what now?

What is the nature of a threat?:

Ok so because I am assuming that others “must” live up to their own standards, then I could learn what they expect from me, by observing them.  OR assuming that a person A, sees you as a type of person B, ten you can learn what person A expects from person B, by observing.

The most straight out approach is to talk, but if you seem dishonest, your words may not do the trick.

Have a panic plan... (even though you should never panic, it is a sin to panic)

I was staring at this girl, she noticed, she swithced her rings, we had time alone, I said nothing, I had found her name interesting, “Yitka”, but I didnt ask her, because I panicked, forgot, didnt think of anything.  So when I am interested, I should naturally find what interest me, but I dont keep it in mind, I forget them, though I should ask them outloud, at the time when they come, give them no chance to leave.  I need to practice this, or just remembering until the right moment.

Today we went to go look for my friend’s sweater, his girlfriend drove, he was passanger, me in the back, he was having a “weird” moment. And we were making a wreck with his girlfriend, she would normally be frustrated or annoyed.  I got on top of the car and knocked on the windows, reactions were... idk priceless? I guess... anywyas, she parked, drivers changed whiole I went to go look for his puffy...  my friend was now driving through the bushes, I went on the mound and stared at the headlights as the car faced me.  As they were coming close I found the jacket.  I through it in the back seat and got on top of the car, and he rode fast on the bumpy puddles; bouncing and wetness, wind, blue night sky, clouds and moonlight, cold and getting colder, mud on the car, splashed into my mouth, “are you alright?”, “GOOOO!!!” *Bump bUmP bbumP, “YEAH!! ThATS IT!!” then we visited his friend but I convinced her to stay in the car with me, to see what would happen.

November 27, 2009

Ok so here is the threat factor that answers all of this questions brouught up... so your job is to not shut up, no matter what anybody says, you exist so you have a right to exist.  So do never shut up, and this goes to everybody, the job of everybody is that they must never shut up... but every other human being has the same value as you, but they dont know that they must never shut up...  so they have the same value as you and you must show them not to shut up no matter what. (And you must do your best to not shut them up if they dont know this rule..)  you must make it clear to them that whateveryou say, to not shut them up.

But also understand what it means to “say” its not always words, there is alot of things you can say without words, and alot of ways you can say them without your mouth.  There are times where you can say by being silent or by not existing, but there are always more efficient always ways, but sometimes you close your mind to certain options and cant see any others.  So dwell on this and practice.

What if by you existing you are making everybody shut up? Should you kill yourself?

Reality has more ways then I can cover, I can never shut up EVERYONE WELL, only by existing, unless I was some kind of god, if I was a god, let me pass, and if I was the God of Silence, then let Reality be Holy as I say.  But I am not, and so Reality says more than I can control, and human beings, find ways in Reality that you may speak against my conflict.  If not, Ill show you myself.

What about killing the one who keeps killinng?(Killing is a form of silencing), alright so people shouldnt kill, so you should not kill anyone even if they are going planning, or are killing anybody, or yourself.  But if all human beings have the same value as yourself, then you have the right to protect yourself, and you shouldnt kill yourself, but deliberate between equals...

The contagion examples: lies about masturbation, and capitalism, killing those who kill

Method of reason: if you give yourself eenough reasons for something it will naturally come out, if there is something holding you back, you should give reasons against it.  Enough reasons in enough aspects.

So this is to open our mind, when we realize that rules can be broken, that its consequences of a broken law, ar sometimes worth the wager, when we start thinking beyond what our tells us, when we start to believe that we can do what is impossibile, that we are allowed behind the doors of the eternal.  When we believe in sacrifice, when we sacrifice for the sake of a new world, for the sake of escape.  When we let ourselves fall into the unknown, when we risk our lives in order to live.  Annd in these new worlds, pain becomes pleasure, and experience is fodder, and wisdom, takes its rightful ground, as growth.

Demons cant read your mind, but they can tell you things... sometimes when they know something,.. they ill taunt you, if you are truly unpredictable they wont be able to keep up with your new interests and concerns, and they will be left  confused because your actions dont match their predicted responses.  And so its good o be unpredictable...  When I share ideas I must cast away all evil ears.  So then there is the untold method, that whatever you figure out, you do not say for the sake of it working.

November 26, 2009

What I am concerned about: red shirt, to make them accept red shirt rather than stop red from existing, dont fear the red shirt... how?

Express myself: without miisunderstanding

Encouraging to others to feel they are not alone, and encouraging to open up

Harmless, encouraging, vulnerable.

I get butthurt, just like there is alwayys a second explanation I must have faith, if I cant seem to see the possibilities I must consider..  I must have faith.

Pixelated world, is not reality.

Demon Friend

File Location: My Words/Completion (What we know)/Achieving Awareness/Methodology/Methods/Demon Friend

I decided ti typoe this one up beecause it helped me once and I used it again after that,dff

The purpose of  this thinking  is to be able to lessen the reality of certain prejudices.  Or thats what I used it for,

The way that I came up with this method, I think, is more important to consider.  I was just all over a problem trying to figure out a way to let go of my closedness to open my mind, and I was just thinknig  of different things just using my imagination, and so this came up and it was pretty effective.

So what I did, I had these prejudices and they were bothering me and  know that I am suppose open my mind and believe less of what was on my mind and remember and think of thinggs that countered it (which I am not really able to do in a closed state of mind).

(Read October 25, 2009)

So I started thinking of the state I was in and a wa ro explain it or to describe it, my mind wasl closed  and I blamed it on a demon taunting me with ideas, telling me, convincing me that these were true, juust making me feel as if they were real over and over again, no mater how much I wanted to get rid  of them, to open my mind, to think of other possibilities for some reason I just cant.

So I blamed it on a demon, nad he was taunting me and tlling me these thngs, so I wresteld with him, and I laughed, and ... well I thinnk I wrote this in my diary and I  think it was about the time that I dont know maybe it was when the radio was shut off in the dishroom and I was unreasonably upset, and then I made friends with the demon, so that we got along and so he didnt really tell me anything.

Today at the fall conference, we worshipped and I really was feeling oppressed, because Krystina and this other girl her housemate or something was there so it remind me of the time when I went in and they told me to get out, how they rejected me, and how these things kept me from expressing myself aoround them, they never cleared things up with me, they made me cry so I felt intimidated, and just lie they didnt want me to be there (even though they said hi to me) nothing was fixed...

Andso I thought about how everyone else judges me and what not, just a bunch of things,

So I remembered the demon, and I told him we could be friends, and he still kept telling me these things, but it was okay now cuz he is just my friend, and he jokes around like that (we both have heacy humor so I understand), so I didnt make much of what he was telling me so there I was, and I knew that my interpretations and my oppression and prejudices about the world and what people thought of me, and how I should get back at them and what I should do for them to feel sorry or to regret their closed mindedness, and the plans I had so they wouldnt think I had a good time at the fall conference, all these things I already considered to be false, and I had alrady wanted to open my mind to others, but I just couldnt, even though I knew there could be better and moore open thoughts...

Untill I saw alll of these beliefs as jokes from my  demon friend... then I was able to disregard them as jokes.. because they were jokes, I mean cmon....

I dont know how the dynamics of this works, but I think  that for it to work and so that it seems that these beliefs are “jokes”  from a heavy humored demon, then honest observations from a trusted imaginary friend; I think I already had to know that there was more to believe and I already had in my mind that what I interpret from reality and from events and observations, isnt always the only, or even truth. 

So yea...

If I can explain this more or see away to elaborate on this method or explain it Ill add.

November 25, 2009

I cant think of anything else to write, well I can, but it doesnt take me anywhere, I think of bits at a time.  There is no completeness in my ideas, so I dont jot them down, they dont seem very helpful, so I dont bother, but I am not going anywhere else, so I should...

Im trying to figure this out, I know its the answer for everything, or thats what it feels like, but if I answer everything, my world will be closed? Unless the answer is to realize that there is no answer.  I guess the answer would be this, but how do I keep convincing myself that I am always wrong?  I am so used to thinking I can know, and then finding out, bit by bit, that I am wrong.  How do I use all there is?  How can I see what can be done?

November 23, 2009

The image that I think they are trying to portray (remember that there is always a way for something to make  sense, this is the most important because with this you will have freedom), the image that they are trying to porttray tht makes everything make sense is that, they are to be wakened up by someone special, and i dont understand thins now, but I remember that i understood it before, (I think it may have to do with the beauty of transformation and who did the transforming).  So my questions are, so you dont like sex?,”yes but it only comes out with a guy”, but you dont want it now.... “well no you have to teach us” but why would I give yous omething you know not about, that doesnt interest you, “well are you selfish that you wont show us innocent girls this?” people in the consumer culture dont like to try new things.  “thats why you gotta have skill to make us accept it” if you dont want it, I will respect your decision and not going to try and convince you.

“Rape” of traditional image – but isnt it like rape, doing something to you, you dont want.

How to make myself approachable with the truth?

Sometimes when you give yourself an open character, people would feel ashamed to be closed.

This is the answer for a prayer, the beginning of essential, I dont prayer for certain things  to be done;I pray for these certain things to have been prayed for; I dont pray for things that I think are important; i pray to know what is important enough to pray for.

Change of lifestyle is satisfaction

What makes one will win over another? So matter has memory and everything affects us, should we avoid satanic bibles, and going to danceclubs, and certain people, paranoid of what you might catch?  Or cant you use God’s Power to overcome it... and so on the same subject, there are times, like when you pay evil for evil, so everybody pays evil, and it takes over. Capitalists turn you into a capitalist, and liars pist you of so that you become a liar yourself.  How does one become unnaffected? How can one wear the red shirt, and not be judged? (as in he wins the will of others to understand him, as in with his openness he encourages others to open up)

I have a dilemma with this because people tell me to not bea creep.  “Dont do that, because people dont like you when you express yourself”, they encourage me to become like them?  what makes one will win over the other?  Does it have something to do with threat?

Ridiculous afro, of time in my child when  I thought of myself and concerned about all the ages and people and dimension that thought of our every day life as ridiculous

In every aspect: when you have a passion for something you would realize it want it done, fantasize its success.

The name thing its personal.. and noes idea of orange color

I want to be with someone not that they come to understand me, but that they have understoood me since youth

My friend said, idont know, but its not the case that you dont know, its in your head, you already have an opinion, but you havent sorted it out, ot you havent dug for its clarity.

Im at my friend’s house, we left the lodge... I dont get that new house impression I used to get everytime I found myself living and studying a new house, or a new place when I was little...  wehn I was a chilold and wondered.. I think its because I have already set my mind to “know” what a home is, it isnt strange, the walls are made out opf wood, there is interesting glass, but nothing wonderful, nothing is new, nothing is strange.  Now I could easily get in that state, and I probably have already.

What I mean by this: we went for a prayer walk, prayer and exercise, I gave myself no pressure, so I didnt bother to pray out loud, I was talking to God about, how  find things, and I fantasize that they mat be from my love,  symbols left from a passionate desperate girl; theone I look for.  Then what if they are not? And it makes me uneasy that I could be relishing over a message that is not for me.

An symbol now has an intention, because I left that symbols with that intention, it doesnt matter who or where the symbol ends up, if someone finds a similar symbol on anything anywhere, with the same intention, it has been from me.

I heard from David VanKoevering sermon of how matter has memory, this is my explanation: photons get recorded in more thing than we can see, when we take a picture we see a manifestaiton that is visible to our physical eyes as they work through our conscioussness.  But there are other levels of record that may not be visible to us, or just in a completely “conscious” state.  And in the same way, light can record images, so that when we pay attention to walls in a certain way, we see images of what they have seen.  We get emotions of what they have felt around them, thoughts that were thought in that room, intentions of that room.

So Im at my friend’s house watching tv... nothing else, he told me he was going to spend time with his girlfriend.  So he tell me to entertain myself, and I would, and be good at it, if I knew my way around the house, and I wouldd learn my way around the house myself, if it didnt mean that I was taking a risk (ridiculous I know).  So am I going to take a risk?  Of course not, I have taken too many and they never turn out well, I dont think they want me to feel uncomfortable to the point that I dont make myself at home and look around myself, its not their fault, its this one guy’s fault, and whitman’s students.   He was pist at me, he “took away all my priviledges” I chose not to move from the couch... and thats basically as much freedom I feel right now (basically because thats what I am doing right now.  My mind is just closed right now, and I dont  know how to open it,, except for the mothods so far, but I dont feel like doing them.  I havent changed my lifestyle, this is ridiculous.

November 20, 2009

Soo when I was about nine years old I think i was, nine or seven, I observed how (probably nine), on tv how soccer players had so much passion for their game, something about dedicating their life to soccer.  And I thought, what about all the other things in life?  If you dedicate your life to soccer what about all the other beautiful experiences that may induce even more passion than soccer?... I thought this dedication, (specially for a mere game I mean your not saving any lives except those that cant seem to get one oohhhhh...), anyways, pathetic dedication. And So I came up with my own little lema, “dedication sucks” it doesnt matter to what, because once you promise your whole life to one thing, you are bound to it.  And if you are bound, then how will you be able to trespass with such passion for anything else?  I will not bind myself to any one thing in life, I wish life could just take me whole. Unbound, if I were to dedicate my life to anything it would be to absolutely everything, but even then I would be bound, I woulldnt be free to choose nothing at all.  Dedicate my life to freedom? Then I would not be allowed to choose being bound... I dedicate my life to Absolutely Everything, which includes Nothing, I dedicate my life to Everything and Nothing...

November 19, 2009

So today I saw a girl with really tight pants, you could everything, so I was like, “whoa, hot!” in my mind. someone said befor that she liked me, so I was thinking maybe she wore them for me (I think what I think ok! Am I not allowed to fantasize?), so I was thinking she wore them for me, so I imagined her saying (with her pants), arent you gonna approach me? So I responded, “for what? So you could slap me when I ask you out your number?”... well that scenario is too assumed, but lets say that with her pants she says... arent you gonna compliment me?, to which I respond “so you can call me a  pervert for looking at you?”

There are so many things wrong here, I am so ashamed...

Alright so first case she responds “why would I do that?” shows that she is completely oblivious to my negative expectations from her and my childhood traumas.  So this says that I are basing her assumed reaction by something that happened to you.. in the past, in which she has no idea about, poor girl, she is just trying to get some looks but no one says anything because they are all scared, unreasonably scared, I could say that we are all traumatized by a past experience, but in the end its all us, I am just stupid scared, unreasonable, I am making a connection based on something completely separate.  Im sorry poor girl, I failed to keep staring at you, because my past, I am useless... I cannot let this happen again.  So I must go back, and learn to live with that trauma, that created the prejudice, that created this fear.  Ok so I got slapped once, for asking a girl to be my girlfriend, this was in first grade, I dont know if all inhibitions come from that one time, but then I probably got rejected a couple of times or people started to avoid me, maybe not but, or maybe I just dont want to have an image of something I dont like, (but if I dont like something its because I dont understand it... closed mind...  So Im suppose to be okay and accept studs and gold diggers so that I have the freedom to appear like one... ugh what is this leading too?

Second, I pay attention to the fact that I am inhibiting myself from expression, if its true, go ahead and say it or this way watch... arent you gonna compliment me?, “you have such a nice ass, I just wanna grab it and bury my face in it.” To which she slaps me... why?!, because I have to give a compliment the “right” way, thats less “offensive” and “awkward”.  So fine! I give her the correct compliment this time (whatever it may be) and so she gets really close to me, pressing against me... so what does this mean to me?  Well if I am not being authentic, to what I really feel.... nononoono this is not the point I wanted to go to... ok the point I was trying to make.. case 3

Case three... “your hot!” so she presses against me.. and what does this mean to me?  It means that if this were to happen, dont I realize that I have spent my entire life believing something that inhibits me from innocent flirting... o God all those wasted years... whyy.. why couldnt I just ever have an open mind... open mind,, because I was self conscious about my image, its the same thing that girls do, why they have their own inhibitions, so if a guy says, “you wanna have sex?” she thinks, “so you can call me slutty, after you are done with me?” so I think... “whats wrong with being called a slut?” anyways looking at myself I now think of how I complain about girls that dont admit that they masturbate,,, well I now look at myself,  I wouldnt want them to call me a pervert, but maybe its just part of the game... “you nice ass!” “get away you perv *slap!”, but in the end, whats wrong with being called a pervert?... so I got to express myself, and she got her compliment, and we are all satisfied...

But this isnt like the guy calling a girl a slut case... so maybe its not the same... *sigh

If my parents would have taught me correctly I would be like this one kid.. brainwashed

Its really windy outside at night, I pick up a large branch, with more branches on it, I here my the voices, my inhibitions speak on behalf of those who intimidate me.

Stop IT! Stop it!!

They want me to stop, they reject my actions, they think I am weird, they tell me to stop with their looks.

Should I stop, should I stop because they tell me?

NO! should I stop worshipping my God because they dont want me to? I should not stop living because they tell me, if they told me to stop being alive, I will not give up my life for their sake, would I?  Wouldnt it be right to die for others?  If everyone in the world wanted you to die, would you do it for their sake?

I will live with truth I will not hide it for the sake of their comfort... I shouldnt... but I do, for the sake of my comfort.  I really am pathetic.

November 18, 2009

The enemy, wants to radically unsettle you, Jesus, wants to radically unsettle you... its a beautiful enemy, a friend. Radically, unsettle, radically, how much? To the point that I am ashamed of my closedness? RADICALLY...  to the point that it shows that I have always been DEAD eacch and everytime I refuse the slightest chance to exist? RADICAL!!!! MOARRR!! (now thats radical), how many times have you been close to killing yourself because of this unsettlement? (well Ive been close to getting kicked out of college... and I have in fact), NO! more raDICAL!... HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN CLOSE TO KILLING YOURSELF!!!  Well, once or twice, one was accidental, the other was kind of an accident too, and the third, well yea, I guess you can say it was an accident.  More radical,!

Now there is a state, I need to find, where i am free, and all are friends again...  grrr

So I am trying to pay attention to the quiet noises, as I play the string on the guitar,, like my friend told me.., and I hear something and I stop the string, and it stops,  I wonder hpow this works how do I pay attention to these, how do I induce to hear them?  I thinbk I have to put the sound in myself, with my mind, use my imagination to place it there, so that my attention goes to that place, then when I hear it I observe, it seems like it, next string, I hear something and I stop the string and its still there, I think its part of the fridge noise then,.. I try another string, and I hear something, I stop the string, and its still there, I cant tell if its my imagination or not.. I remember I was trying to do somehting like this before, and because I couldnt tell if something was real or not, I avoided it, I guess I gave no merit to the things that only existed in my head, I guess I thought “what good would that be?” so I avoided it,  without comparing it with the idea that the things we imagine are for us to bring them into existence.. maybe just made no connection... anyways so  I couldnt tell if this sound was real or not, but since I was actual had a goal in listening to this, (because of skyler told me to, I did not disregard it as before,, I thought: (so this brings up many questions about reality, that our reality is composed of those things that we imagine, by those things that we think are real is what is real to us, and it doesnt matter what we think of, that will be our truth, so everything we imagine is real in one way or another manifests itself in the world for us to see it and to believe it, giving us the thoughts we have, giving us these beliefs, but our world is so infinite that then  these other things appear, these other things that our not part of our composition of reality, not part of our truth, then we might and must pay attention to them, if not conjure them with our imagination to expand our world...) 

So the things that are most sensitive (so sensitive that they feel like our own imagination) are the ones we should pay attention to the most?  Well the point is, that it doesnt matter if their real or not, just pay attention, you may find that they have more truth than words can say... words... the still soft wind...

words, words are not important, we use words to rey and convey an experience, words are only a pathetic attempt, and the imperfections of human language explain why the world is not at peace with each other.  Lets not criticize the words, let us look behind them, into the meaning...

soft wind, so what value does our imagination have?, there are too many things going on.. we pay attention to them and then they are real, or they have always been real, if it is true what I have been thinking, the way I have been thinking aobut reality, is that there are facts, and our world depends on the interpretation of these facts,,, so, there are things that we feel (are not the feelings already interpretations? Natural, automatic interpretations from our body? Oohh) so the way we interpret these feeling, (two levels of reality? Oh gosh what do these words mean? How do I explain this,  the facts are.... two levels I notice, what causes the feelings, and how our body interprets it and WHY, and how we decide to interpret as we may or may not pay attention to these feelings, and WHY.)  So if we pay attention to these feelings, these soft feelings that seem like our own imagination, we get more truth, (these are actual feelings since they are from the sensory input of our own bodies, why would we feel them if they weren’t real?)  So these feeling, we learn about  our body, whats wrong with it, and how it reacts to certain things, just pay attention to every detail of every limb and cave, and its inputs from the outside world, things that we always ignore, because we are afraid that they may not be real, but they are always there, so letspay attention to what our body says, our body tends to rceive, sense inputs from the outside world, so where does all of these feelings come from and why? What do they mean if not a literal shard of glass inside your skin, what is it really? What is it telling you, if only your imagination, what was put into your imagination for that imaginary shard to be there?  Inputs tell us of the outside world, when we think these things are our imagination we ignore them, and we are able to see to sense to feel, but we inhibit ourselves, because we believe that these sensitive inputs do not exist, we are so caught up feeling the most solid and rough inputs that we ignore these, and so we believe, and so we live in a world where there are limits to our understanding, because we have faith in the relality of our limits, the limits of our reality (what we imagine we make it real)................

But my point is that YES its all true, if there was a cat inside a sealed box with a container of cyanide, it would not be waves of possibility to decide if it was dead or alive, there would be Truth, and there is no way that we could deny the Knowledge, but we must realize that we are receiving it.  (I dont know howw tthis is real, this would mean that deep down inside we are alive, although we may not seem like  it because of how much we deny it,, oh God what am I?).  So the point I wanted to make by saying all of this is about the cotrast between to beliefs I have, that Truth of facts exists independent of our perceiving it (though we have access to it), annd that the interpretation of facts (our world and everything we can ever know or think) is only product of our huimanity, our imagination.  So maybe its a mix of both like everything seems to turn out, or maybe its superimposed, leading to a dimension “ungraspable” to the human mind.  I just didnt think that we could have access to actual Facts, since once we perceive them they become interpretations and a meaning in our minds.. and so this makes me think of the Truth we receive at the most Present moment... and how do we guide our minds (if not by prejudice) to figure out what it wants to figure out, to listen to what we want to know, without our desires getting in the way, but if we want to know something, there is already a desire present, so what DO we want? And how do we guide our minds towards figuring out a certain truth over other countless truths (interpertations).  Example, I want to know something without prejudice, I just listen and let it come in, but instead I get other information? I dont think its the information I want (even though it may very well be) but thats the thing, how can it be the information I am looking for, what decides it? Is it that all truths come from a certain idea, that when we get it, its inevitably what we are looking for, this One everpresent idea?  So my pointis that , the truth we receive, is only an interpretation of the world, (already prejudice), so we never receive absolute Truth, only what we want to know...  what we are concerned about... what is already in us... but how can this desire, this guide be present at the moment when we receive this truth?...  What does it mean to be concerned about something?  Why do I want things? Is my want really so important that this force would give me an answer? (well you want it, why wouldnt you get it?) What if I am not sure about what I want? What if, deep down inside for some reason, I really dont want that, but I havent come to terms with my not desire? (then it should answer that, if you are really interested in knowing if you really want what you want)  What if what I want is only a means to something greater? How come it will solve for me the means but not the answer? (because of my prejudice that I need the means to get to the answer), maybe there is just a state of mind where everytihng I could ever want, is accessible, and if there is a means, it is perceptibly non-existant (because your mind does no input on those “limits” in this state of mind).  everything is just like “duh”, there is no strategy, there is no figuring out, its just there.  And if you are concerned about something, and if you tap into this state of mind, then you easily find the answer to what you are looking for... hmm, seems to be so.  But it all depends, on your hearts deepest desire, do you want sex? Or do you just want physical satisfaction? Or is it that you want to get rid of insecurities? Hohohohold on? If the movement depends on your deepest desire then why would you have to be concerned about figuring out what you really want to find out that you really want it, if by paying attention to the “wind” you are already figuring out what you really want, and you dont have to be concerned about it.

No wait, it is when you are not trying to figure it out, that the information gets to you, so in what way do you have to set your mind to make sure that you get the information? How do you go after something without being concerned about it? And this is what I meant to say, this is what I want to figure out.  Now reread the last idea, now that you understand what I am saying.

So if you are not suppose to be concerned about what you are looking for, how will your mind know what to look for?  (lose your goal/lose your fear, let it happen).  What if it doesnt happen? (then you are still concerned)...  This is so confusing, so how do I ask for things in prayer? Why would I ask for anything? (eyes towards God and all other things will be added).  But the things that I notice coming is because I give my attention to them, and even though I may not have felt a need before they showed up, I still realize its usefulness, so I still want it in one way or another (really), so what am I aiming for? (not the thing itself for sure).  I keep getting this answer, at the point where you dont want any thing, everything is available... because since you are not focused on the cake behind the window, only then you will see that there is a door that leads to it.  Interesting,,, get this picture, you desperately want a banana, naturally you take the shortest route, straight to it, but there is a force-field protecting i, because you are focused, concerned about the banana, you wont take the time to explore the rest of the world (which would probably lead you behind the force-field, and this is how it works.  Do not be concerned about it (it closes your mind) but keep your eyes open (mind open, aware) of the possibilities... Self-indulgence?, well this is about getting what you want...

So my question is, why do I end up getting information about things I want instead of the meaning of life, or an old man’s address? Because when you receive the things that you where once concerned about, they come alive, and old man’s address would come to you, but you would ignore it, the meaning of life you dont aspire to.  So again, am I concerned about it or not?  And this reminds me of the beauty of memories (like the salad and the curly hair girl), how when something you dont remember presents itself, you see it as very beautiful, and I think this is why, its purpose is so that when the solution comes, though you are not concerned about it, you will pay attention to it.  Maybe...

Hmm, but whenever I think of something, that leads to another that leads to another, it always ends up in somehting I am concerned about, maybe because once I become concerned again, I cant go any further, or maybe because I think about what I want to think about. The informaiton I get, is of what I want, when I dont feel concerned (what I want, when I dont want it... how the hell do I make sense of this?)... open mind, open mind.

So maybe something that I am concerned about, goes into dormant mode (gosh this is becoming less spiritual/philosophical and more of a scientific, “lets get it over with an answer already... so keep mind open, remember this is only an assumption of how the world works) dormant mode, so that when you see something it wakes it up and it is up to you to pay attention, or maybe the way, and  reason why it came to you once, it will ocme to you again..  I have no faith with this answer, its like, ok so what? No hope for a better world, only man, only physical, only science.

... So I went to my room to pray, and I feel no God anymore, because of all that I think about has to do with me (of course he is unreachable, when ever you  grasp anything, it becomes part of you, you cant graps him), So I dont mind Him not being part of me, but I want to be part of Him, (He will keep that in mind, He tells me), I just wish there was someone that I be more equal with, so I pray to see an angel?... ... but now still, whatever, something is missing. The use of my imagination... I have become closed withuot knowing it, it explains the “scientific” explanation of thought processes.  Maybe because I am hungry and I want to eat.. must have no conerns... maybe cuz I must get started on my essay... yea, and so I just want to get it over with, and so I just give an answer... so there, it all makes sense now, what does it mean for something to make sense aanyways? (now your thinking!)

So this morning I was thinking about this one girl and how she is soo freakin HOT,  and how I saw her bend over at work yesterday and I just wanted to slide my hand under her crotch, so I started thinking, what if she wanted me too do that... wait I forgot the point of this... oh right, arrange, rearrange, keep shaking for truth, and also, inspiration, encouragement, vulnerability... ok so this morining I started thinking about last night, and I was thinking what if she wanted me too? Yea, what if she was like a totally awesome person and out of nowhere she was my girlfriend!  Great! Soo then I started thinking about, gosh I forgot how this lead to what. Anyways, the point is, the more assumptions you come up with (and not just focus on one possible result) then the answer will come in, because thats how it works and the more you deliberate, sooner or later, the right one will shine!!!  But u must know how to pay attention. So again, imagination, open mind, looking for signs that wake up the answer in my mind... by theory, practice is coming along... swimmingly.  And the “inspiration, encouragement, vulnerability” talk I did yesterday...

Think about authentic expressions...

Yes I want to be transparent, but I have inhibitions, because there exist people who misread, my expressions... and so my mind is closed to this.

So in an open mind, everything feels like “duhness” second nature.  So how do I open? Unconcerned...  remember the radical? Its because u realize that u are alive.

November 17,2009

Sequence is: !) assimilate, @)inspire, #)move

I guess I havent mentioned this but last week when I had the talk with keefe I told him about something I was working on,, My target audience... who sohould I satisfy, should I not wera colorful clothes because there are people out  there, that hate the colors? But I want to call those people that love colors like me!! How do I take care of this? There are people who make it seem as if they dont like red shirts, those that think that others dont like erd shirts or tend to not like red shirta when really its not true, and there is a way to make people ok with red shirts.. I need to find out what it is that people mind, I mentioned before that its the threat, if teuy sense a threat, then they will reject, but what are these threats?  What are typical threats from typical gestures?   And there is also something that people tpically want, though they wont admit it, how do you make them feel comfortable to admit it, how do you make yourself “approachble”? open for people to admit these kinds of things to you?  And to do these kinds of things to you?  To have the same mind as you when you maddog them.

Now that girl at the dining hall last night, it left me super frustrated, how she wanted to stare or smile at me, and I didnt look lonng enough, I was frustrated because it was some unanswered questions I had, and some unanswered questions that created this hesitation, I neeeded to figure it...

Anyways so basically, I am going to take small steps to answer this,,,  ok so the girl at the table last night, she obviously wanted me to interact with her, and I didnt, why not? Well there are many possibilities to consider,  and I guess the reason that I felt unsatisfied, unfinished, guilty, ashamed with myself (although with noone else), is because I didnt live up to my standards, my own standards...  So I need to figure out why I didnt, and what those standards are anyways (gosh there is so much I dont know about myself)...  anyways, so I didnt interact because the possibilities, maybe I was wrong, maybe she didnt want interaction, maybe she was just like every other bitchy girl that just wants her space, and wants no eyes, (come back to this comment, basically Im saying: “so what?!”), but anyways so the possibility of that, or her actually being a lesbian made me back off..  Second thing I need to consider, it wouldnt matter if she was a lesbian or looking for a husband or whatever, most basic truth is that she wanted interaction, and this is the point you should work from,  (not that you should only go up to people that seem like they want interaction,  because some just dont admit it), but if they show that they want it, its AN OBVIOUS SIGN... its a jackpot, struck gold... its just there, “Im OPEN” its like the sexually desperate girl that goes out completely naked at midnight, but people are still afraid to rape her... what does it take for someone to just go up to her and ask, “why are you naked?” (cuz then she wont admit that its because she was hoping to get raped, she will start acting all independent pretending she doesnt need anybody...)  oh, well maybe  she shouldnt be walking around naked in the first place, (so then you rape her)...  So I guess we can use social norms to justify ourselves,, yes I have done this before, its the way that I avoid racial jokes and sexual comments just so that I wont get reported... but I still offend people somehow? (bad image, dont go by it)..  Also, there maybe a way to give her what she obviously wants, but not give her a chance to deny it (and this is why you start twitching, too many things to consider superimposing), which is also the reason there is a lack of sexual consent between partners, (the fuCK! If you dont admit it, why would I bother with you, telling me your not interested, telling me you dont want it, if you dont need me I aint giving myself...) or that reaction.  You want sex or not?!? “I do, but its wrong so I dont want to make it seem like I do”... hmm the important thing here is  to allow them to be honest with you, or you can try and work all the wires out behind the wall (that is, making sure that everything, absolutely everything that may lead to sexual hesitation is out of the way, without you knowing about it, usually this only takes some honest confession of howw you just want sex and nothing else, or whatever the platter may be.)  So how do you get people to open up to you like this?  (yea I USED to be really open person, until I came to whitman... people here just like drama).

Or I could learn by going into unknown territory... calm down assimilate and find a whole new world instaed of doing all this mind work (so thats what this is, just nother method...? hm)

Maybe our minds know everything about the world and our bodies act according to it, but we spend our life trying to figure out what our mind is doing... this would seem to be so whenever everything works out for the best.

Ok so freeky stuff, It SEEMS, only seems, as if I start figuring things out,my mind starts to act according to the level of knowledge.. so that it comes naturally once I have these things in mind... I guess  thats how I start being active, it just comes out once I am convinced, right?

Anyways, so say I scare someone for fun, and they get pist, but they know they have fantasized this kind of life before but they are not thinking aobut that, so that when you leave, they wish you never had, which is what creates the feeling that you never know what you have until its gone.  Anyways so you impose a world on them that only exposes its face when they are ready to accept it,, aah and the credits roll down (or up), thats why everybody loves someone that dies, because they see all their actions in an acceptable way, well I guess it depends how they die... lol.  This also plays into being approachable to certain things, what signs do you have to give to distinguish yourself form the uptights?...hmm think abot this.

People taking things the wrong way... how annoying.. just as I.

Thoughts based on a pathetic relationship with some girl that I am interested in: There is this girl in my music theory class,  I always think that I have to be genuinely interested in someone, to be able to start a conversation, cant really find anything to talk about, I think she is interested because she sat next to me twice already, although she always used to sit at the far corner, until she noticed me glancing at her.  So she is there, but cant seem to find alot to talk about..  So I am curious, basically because I think she is pretty, but I am curious, genuinely curious, so what do I want to know?  I wish I knew who she was, honestly, so there, I know what she looks like, I want to know more, so I ask, “who are you?”  she answers, “Im ******”, well what else?  I said I wanted to know who she was, so thats what I ask, but all she told me was her name, I know what she looks like and I know her name, but I that doesnt tell me anything about her, I still wish I knew her... so I use my method::::>>>> so what does it mean to know her?

SO here is the explanation for the uncomfortable method, so instead of analysing the environment and leearning and preparing before you go in it, the uncomfortable method, means for you to learn by experience, to assimilate yourself into your new environment,dancing along with the situation, need to learn to switch along with the music of events, so you look for these unknown places and you go in without asking, you learn in it, you play it out, and you risk failing, or  you can do this kind of thinking, going by your prejudice but learning anyways the new prejudices that will follow with a more open mind..  I prefer the one that requires more effort, so that prejudices are seen as irrelevant, always ignoring them... Assimilate, inspire, change, (repeat).  Assimilate: learn to live in your situation, you are ok, you desire no better or worse, be satisfied. Inspire: look towards a new world. Be curious of what is behind the curtains, behind these walls that contain your reality.  Change: for better or worse, escape.

So I have been inspired plenty, and I have changed, but I have trouble assimilating... how do you assimilate?  I think this is the question I have been looking for...

Be exposed to the things that spur your mind, the Verb from withing, events the things, Energies!! Let them come through you and allow you to live.

Alright so things to figure out:

How to assimilate... and

How to give others the sign to get comfortable...

Ok so this is really strange, I havent watched any pornography in a really long time. I havent procrastinated with video games, you tube or any other internet stuff for a really long time...

I have tried to play video games but I feel very uncomfortable, like concerned about otehr stuff. It just doesnt feel right, same thing with youtube, there is just more important stuff in the way...

I think pornography, and I dismiss it, now I wonder, I think maybe if I watch pornography I wont be able to stop again, I am not sure which one will happen... maybe actual moderation? Perhaps.. anywayys, or maybe I just dont feel the need to watch it anymore, because I figured out its “beauty” (mystery)... the reason why I watch it, and fixed that belief... I am not sure of any of this, but thinking aobut pornography right now, makes me feel that if I watch it, Ill unfortunately, inevitably hook myself... this would happen because I forgot what pornography is and what it offers (if I really havent fixed myelf),  so all I need is a reminder to be hooked again.  Hopefully I fixed myself... o gosh, I can feel it coming back, I sense it though unidentified, I the problem probably comes and goes, those times when my mind is closed.

How to give others the sign to be comfortable,, you can say it straight out (but dont ever lie, if you lie then your words wont work),,,  you can express it somehow (but saying it straight out for example..) 

You can start it (a problm with this is that there are the kinds of people who dont do unto others as they would want to be done unto them i.e. selfish, and because these people exist, others may assume that you are one of them so it doesnt matter how much you abuse, they never get the message that maybe youu want to be abused)...

You can make yourself vulnerable, just be clumsy for someone to be comfortable with tripping you.  to increase your chances of someone acting on your vulnerability you must:

Inspire them to act