I tried to love what I hated, by loving hate. I tried to love hate, by hating? To figure out a way of loving what I hate. I felt like if I found a way to love it, I was not loving the first impression I got from it but only loved it because of the “excuse” I made to love it. (this explains why before this, I would all of a sudden love what I hated. But then I was confused, not understanding what had happened to make me love it, I would try to hate it again to try to love it again). But loving somethingis to “give it a chance”, you love it by having faith that there is something to love about it beyond the superficial that you see, beyond what you hate. The problem was that I felt like I was being shallow against the superficial. Why cant I love the superficial as I saw it without adding any extra meaning to it? (this is because things only appear to be superficial when one lacks love). Seeing superficial and unimportantness in things, seeing darkness and emptiness in things is only a result of lack of love. I was trying to compensate lack of love for hate by hating. The truth is that when I loved, I found revelation, a reason to love; but whenever I found a reason to love I though I cheated, since I wanted to love the object as superficial, I wanted to love the object while I still hated it, I wanted to love it without revelation, I wanted to love it without loving it. But when you love, Truth is inevitably revealed (Love = Truth = Revelation). If not then, having faith that something is lovable is loving it. Having faith that something is lovable means that you have hope that there lies something beyond the superficial that you may love, you love this mystery, this potential jewel.
I felt that if I looked for a reason to love something (If I looked for beauty in it) I was only picking and choosing what I liked from it. (although this was not the case, this would also have been okay, since God is Infinite you cannot not miss out on anything no matter what parts of Him you try to avoid [to understand this, imagine trying to choose which part of Infinity you would like, whatever part you choose, it is still Infinite]). But if I dont love what I can see of it how can I love its mystery? A subject has infinite aspects: things you love and things you hate, but you actually love the things you hate, somehow (by faith). Look for ways to love something, your desire to love is already Love; faith(? Wtf? Is this what the pastor was talking about when I told him and he told me about faith? Probably not, I dont know if I want to take the time to analyze how this faith concept and that faith concept correlate with each other.) Also, the purpose of all this, To praise God, Amen.
By blinding yourself you are rejecting. I was blinding myself deliberately to love, I was hating in order to love. I wanted to love without revelation, I wanted to love without loving.
Even though you love what you see, you must love what you dont see, not by closing your eyes (rejecting) that will just make you hate it, but by increasing awareness, always look to love more and more completely. Dont feel bad for being incomplete, you never were, and you wont get it by closing your eyes.
I was trying to learn to love by hating then loving, then hating then loving, and seeing the process, the process is faith. But the reason I am not complete is because I am not surveying all that I hate. I must love more, have faith in the Unknown, survey the darkness, not hate the light.
So I am not hating in order to learn anymore, but I shall survey what I hate, and shine light upon it; give it meaning, obtaining revelation.
Surveying, let existence run through you, like I was doing on camera video I made (probably April 30).
Loving the superficial: (Because I felt shallow against the superficial) but in the end, you always love something because of what it means. If you hate something that someone else loves, its not because of the superficial that they love it, the difference is in the meaning beyond the superficial that each of you see. And this is why its okay to look for a “reason” to love something, you may see the same meaning the other does.
Me
:D
hey friend, how are you?
Me
im doing pretty dandy now
how art thou?
how come?
Me
cuz I think I found the missing link
to?
Me
it seems to work
but I am skeptical about it
to seeing beauty
in stuff
hahahaha. lmfao
Me
unny?
f
i mean. not lmfao. it's just that I've been there ;)
and yeah, it works
Me
wats u?
once you fall out of love, you can see beauty in stuff
Me
hmm
but the only problem is, that when you have something else to compare it to... you realize it's only stuff
you know.. like the blooming trees
Me
yea i think I know what you mean,, thats what I am trying to be able to control
you think you can
that's a good stage
Me
im trying to figure it out
but it really is resignation
Me
you speak wise words
resignation because of imperfection
Me
if what you mean is what I think you mean
the world is imperfect
Me
whats resignation?
from what you really want
Me
amen!
you said... that you want to learn the art
Me
keeo talking
of liking things
but what you really want is to like things, but find something else. And when you like things, you are at peace... but you aren't quite there either.
Me
never completely
stuff is powerful. If you learn to like it, you'll be better off... because it's the only thing that will be around you until you're alive
the trees, they are there every day
Me
I love trees!!!
I have a tree-fetish!!
:)
Me
do u say this of reading?
or personal conclusion?
well, it's basically my life story
Me
cuz i am coming to a different conclusion
i think.. maybe
idk
and that is?
Me
cant really explain..
too much to type
:P
and I dont really know if I am there yet
there have been time and times when I thought for sure I was there
and this might just be another one of those times
well, sounds good :)
Me
but update to what I am working on right now is basically: fixing the gap, connection between imagination and reality
they are distinct
Me
I have diary for may 2 and 3
havent typed themdown yet though
why do you post them?
Me
yes they are distinct in the sense that reality is the manifestation of what you allow from your imagination
just in case I die
I guess
you should keep it private. I think it's really personal and some nasty people might use it against you
Me
well I savbe them to my laptop anyways
haha yea
you know, I don't mind. Because I understand it
but I am worried that some day, you'll come somewhere and people will call you crazy
people call crazy what they don't understand
Me
but I dont want to hide who I am just out of fear of someone using it against me
these are the things I am afraid of as well
but I want to learn to love them
yeah. but no girl is going to like you for that :)
Me
LOL
THIRDLY!!
i will tell you, it is your greatest strength to have awareness, and to use to your advantage... and not against you
Me
I cant stand the thought that there may be someone out there that thinks like me, but is deciding to hide because they are afraid of what others may think or do
well, that person would be wise.
Me
if we hide, we will only remain in oppression
because he/she would realize that these things.. you don't recognize them from a writing
you recognize them if you see them, and you are like them
it's not oppression
Me
WE MUST KILLL!!!!!
lol jk
stupid people don't have the power to oppress
Me
oh yes they do
stupid people live in blissful ignorance
Me
they get me in trouble all the time
or do you oppress yourself?
Me
i do not want to live by their pathetic laws
maybe. thats what I am trying to figure out
yes
?
I'll give you one advice. Just as a friend
take those diaries down
and post a happy status
some day... post something that will make people smile
and put a profile picture of yourself
and keep a diary :)
Me
I will take your advice into consideration
:)
;)
it will attract more people ;)
and in the end, you'll realize that it didn't change a bit about you
Me
???
ok?
well, you'll still have the same qualities. Even if you don't publish them
use your gift to your advantage
and not against you
the reason why I am saying this
i used to be the same way
Me
and then?
then I grew older, and I realized that you have to be positive, and simple.. and make people laugh. And if you want to go deep... go deep the right moments. Not facebook
you could write books, or you could find close friends and talk to them
I know you doubt me... and still think that you have a point. :)
Me
fusho
i think ive been through that too
thats my whole whitman story
!
which part?
Me
idk :P
the part where I think I would rather hide
whitman as a school... not very good
people here are not a good sample of population
Me
amen
I thought it was just me
who thought that
you know what? why don't we take this conversation off facebook, and maybe get coffee sometimes? if you want
Me
sure!
when or what?
i don't care. I have time, pretty much always. But something like Thursday or Friday works the best
Me
thursday is cool after 2:30? or were you thinking morning?
i have school until 4 pm, and then i have class from 6pm - 7:20 pm
Me
soooo
coffee at 7:30?
sounds excellent
where you want to go?
Me
idk just meet, we'll decide then
meet at...
i live in douglas
u?
okay. how about the bridge?
where Prentiss is
Me
which bridge?
oh ok sure
will see you then, take care of yourself meanwhile
Me
mhm
Wizardry: when one reads the books of a certain wisdom, it is not only another language, but they begin to think in another direction. Studies of God; His Infinite aspects. Tuning into this flow, by obtaining meaning that certain symbols carry, they begin to gain power over a certain shape of reality, or they begin to become one with it, they begin to love.
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