I find it confusing to figure out what I am afraid of things get mixed up and I am not sure what I mind. Since I am not sure about what I mind, I am not sure where to use my imagination to free myself from an exclusive form of thinking. I can feel the tension, but I dont know where its coming from, if only I could feel it with more precision. Then I remembered my experience last january with meditation, I felt things more clearly and was also able to “hold” feelings that are usually fleeting, feelings that I thought were just my imagination, like that fat/thin feeling that I sometimes get right before falling asleep. I think it has to do with getting in touch with your body; the professor that suggested meditation said that by paying attention to our body, we listen to what our body is trying to tell us. And by experience I realized that my body was able to tell me more than I thought; if you think aobut it, it makes complete sense; all the information you have ever gotten in your life has been through your body. Everything that you can ever know comes in through your body; if you listen to what your body is saying it may tell you great and practical truths about the world, it may even tell you the next lottery numbers. Anyways so after the mediation sessions, I realized an increase in precision when figuring out the reason for my thoughts and emotions; even after I had not meditated for months, I am not even sure if it ever wears out if you stop meditating.
Thinking about this confusion with a different beginning, I conclude that the only thing that I need to come to peace with is not something I have to search for, but simply, the present. I did this at the beginning of class, and now I feel at peace. I was hating, I was trying to come to peace with what I hated, and so I was trying to look for what was causing the hate; but really, all I had to come to peace with was my hating, and be able to use my imagination to be able to see how my hate was perfect. Instead of fearing hate and trying to get rid of it (which would mean that I was not at pace with life).
Whether this is true or not, I think it would be very efficient if I learn to pay attention to my body more.
How I am meditating: just paying attention to my body, nothing else... what about being aware o external things? I ask. I answer, the things that I think are external to my body I only consider them because of what my body tells me, paying attention to my body is paying attention to what my body says, about everything else around. I am not focusing on my breathing because the idea came from another person and I would not have figured it out myself if I was lost somewhere else in the world, at least I have not figured it out yet. I notice that in an attempt to observe and pay attention to every part of my body, I am constantly moving my focus from place to place in my body; considering of how one meditates by focuusing on breathing, I am not sure that this type of focus is way to pay attention. I do notice that I am able to collect and group certain sensations: now instad of paying attention to my leg, then arm, then head, then back; I can pay attention to sense of touch, but still ignore hearing, or pay attention to hearing, but ignore sense of touch. I wonder if I can group all my senses together, and if possible, even the senses I am not aware of. If I was not aware of one of my five senses, how would I group it in to my awareness? The way to group things together, is to not try and focus on things, but just let awareness flow. Eyesight: I wondered if I could pay attention to the sight part of my body, I do so but only on the red and black of myclosed eyes, and on the blue from my imagination; I wonder if I could pay attention to my eyes as my body as my eyes are opened, but as soon as I open my eyes, my focus darts from my body to external things, I am not paying attention to my eyes, but to my bottle, this laptop, and the space behind it... smaller steps I guess. I am kind of tired... Ill try to do this as my body falls asleep. As I am in bed, I allow myself to get comfortable while I pay attention to my body; as I pay attention and let my body do as it will to get comfortable, to scratch itself, to stretch, I feel like a third person only paying attention to movements, I feel detached from my body, and my body becomes this automatic mannequin kind of, while I am only observing it. I notice that my body never stops itching, but there are some itches that my body decides to scratch, and some that my body is comfortable with. I begin to pay attention to my thoughts, but I still feel as if they were mine and not just my body’s, I think this may be the next step.
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