There are certain things that I must remember in order to be able too function correctly, certain truths about reality that tell me that what I am doing is unreasonable. But its not about remembering the ten commandments and following them against your will, its about keeping the inspiration that uncovered the ten commandments inside of you. This is why I meditate, not to wake up, but to observe and remember all these things that I have learned, but that I keep forgetting.
As I try to meditate I notice that I am feeling uncomfortable with whatever distracts me, and because of these distractions, my thoughts look to justify whatever I have done to “fail”; I guess to figure out what distracted me in the first place, in order to stay away from it. But this paying attention to what my body feels, paying attention how it gets anxious, nervous, and hopeless when it deisres, its the same thing I mean by “confessing” your sins unto Reality.
Things that annoy me: death. When someone comes to a conclusion to easily just to stop wondering about the subject, it means death to me. But I have to realize that when I see death is because I myself have reached it, no matter where or in whom I have seen it.
I think I am not okay with deliberate ignorance, for the sake of comfort. Makes me want to make the person uncomfortable in their home field so that they have an incentive to open their mind.
Seems simple enough, how to have faith (I have tried to love things and there are times when I cant seem to... have I forgotten? Or am I missing something?): Use your imagination to realize that there may be hope in what you hate; what if I cant use my imagination? Then use your imagination to tell yourself that there may be hope in your lack of imagination. The point is, that you must have faith in those things that you hate, and if you feel something negative, add that to your faith as well. Confession. You want to be a certain kind of person, tell yourself that you are; then you realize that you are missing something; ask yourself if the kind of person that you want to be would never be missing the same thing? Would that person change as soon as they found out that they were missing this? Example: you want to be healthy, you are; but you have a temptation for a cupcake, what? Healthy people cant be tempted?
Another thing, I read about interesting stuff, or watch youtube videos in order to have intereting thoughts or get more open beliefs about myself and about life, you know? Interesting stuff. But what I am trying to satisfy is this constant itch. So I ask myself, what kind of state of mind do I need to be in, so that these things would not be new to me? So that I dont need to spend my time watching youtube videos, to “look for” and inspiration, but what kind of state of mind would I have to be in, in order to own that inspiration, so that it is part of me? Things that inspire me: that when I think something is about to die, it comes to life, and even multiple times. I must keep in mind that everything I see, and everything that happens can mean life, but I still believe that I fail continuously. I just finished watching the youtube video, super smash brothers somehting complete, because its a good example of pure awesomeness, and I agree, when you once thought there was death, now there is life, but the symbols for life and death vary from person to person, so that something that one who knows well to it bring life, may be an inspiration to someone else. And by death I dont mean good or bad, by death I mean limits; or death of Infinity, death of Life (which does not exist). Every situation no matter what it is, or how inevitable or random it may seem, has a Life and a death aspect. I want to come to Life. God help me please. How am I suppose to see life? Its called being creative, but how do I do that? Every object has its limits, all I must do to give it life, is to allow it to go beyond its limits; but in a way that it is believeable, so that the connection is apparent and it does not seem like an illusion or a lie.But I must see life in the present; I felt it just now. When you can use your own mind to find these inspirations and remove limits, you wont have to look for them on youtube. The more you depend on youtube, the less efficient your mind becomes, but at least it gets rid of the pain, right? I think after looking hard enough and not fiinding I lost hope; its maybe because you were looking for the wrong thing. Its not about what you feel, its about what you perceive it as. Right before you get enchanted, you hear tha voice that says “???”, that voice I think is the inner consciousness, that you forget.
Damn neurotic demons.
What makes me feel free is knowing that life doesnt demand anything from me, if only I could remember this... and the feelings I get are not telling me to do anything either. Life doesnt demand anything but these people think it does. But Life does not demand that you listen to what people think. Everything you have is a gift. Do with it as you will.
Thinking back when I was walking to the library 2 days ago or something, I guess I am just looking to be comfortable with myself.
It feels good to think about what I CAN do now... I dont know why.
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