Why I decided it was best to meditate:
BecauseI keep forgetting; that no matter what happens, it will be artistic, that there is a way, and the I must love, that there is the sky, that my life is free.That anything that I see can mean life. That there is a speck in my eye, that there is something that I am missing. When I know things should not matter (that there are greater matters), I still cant manage to get my mind over it, ultimately is because I have forgotten something about Life.
So do I end up feeling distressed because I am neglecting my emotions? Or because I am too immersed in them? or am I immersed because I am neglecting them? If I try to avoid it I am exaggerating its severity and denying its beauty. But sometimes even though I relish in blindness... I guess I relish in it for the wrong reasons (and not for its own sake).
When I “pay attention”, I only feel detached, what does detachment have to do with realizing that I am alive? What does it mean to be detached? Why is it good and how is it natural? When you detach from yourself, you sense everything else in Life, the bigger picture, unfocused on the self. How does detachement let me see the present as a blessing? As I pay attention to my body, my emotions and inclinations, I notice that I dont act according to them, I mean, which way would I go? I have no preference to my own emotions as I put myself in the midst of others, but it is like justice from someone who is outside of the ordeal, someone with a mind clean of inclinations towards a preference.
What is the correlation between the meditation I initially planned (contemplating the natural truths that I can not seem to hold on to) and paying attention to my body? I ask this because when I “pay attention” I do not feel the greatness of the eternal laws that I’ve felt before.
When I meditate by “paying attention”, there is a sense of confession (and acceptance). Noble emotions: When I confess, you dont worry about worrying. What’s interesting is that I dont hold anything back, I dont try to deny or reject any fear or keep myself from feeling certain things, but I just let it be... what does this have to do with the great Laws?
Not using prejudice: I am not deciding how things should be, my mind only pays attention and does not try to arrange things.
I noticed that the reason why my mind “goes down” is because I keep forgetting that it is all here; symbols are reserved so that when I look at them I could say “Life is beautiful, except here”. If not I forget how, and also that I dont need to see how, and that blindness is only a part of me, and the reasons why it doesnt matter that blindness is a part of me, and how I am not really blind, I forget that I am indeed blessed with life. These are the truths that I wanted to remember, not only remember them but keep them in mind at each point in time, to live by them. I wanted to do this through meditation, but I did something else. I payed attention to my body; I guess it means that as I was paying attention to my body at the present, I am actually accepting the hand that is dealt to me, this burden and endowment. And as I accept this, I am admitting to all the truths that I am trying to remember. If you are dealt cards of fear and inhibitions, do not curse yourself because of them, but realize that even with this hand, Life is still Infinite; have faith in Beauty.
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