Do not keep yourself from feeling free, from having options, from imagining creative ways to get what inspires you. Seeing the amount of life that there is in your present situation, the less you limit your mind. Seeing this goodness allows you to have faith of life in even darker places (because in truth, it’s just as dark). That even though I may die in disgrace, flowers will still be able to use my corpse for soil.
What was making me feel bound was the importance I felt to stay in this state of torment. I have been telling myself that I am only allowed to relish in evil, but it is my own limits that torment me. Things that you are afraid of: you dont have to do them, you just have to accept them; that the easier things you are allowed to resort to, the reasons why you stay away from them, is the same reason that you holds back. What you need is only a confirmation of possible Truth so that you dont need an act to prove a possibility, but only realize how something is potentially possible.
I talked to the pastor about this disconnection yesterday, and though each our own topics were as detached and ever-seperate as parallel lines, I still found a congruence between them, an applicable similarity: he called it faith. He said that one must have a continuous connection with God.
Confession of truth to close the “gap”. Confession of what is real, confession of what you feel, confession of the direction in which you want to go, confession of the inhibitions you feel, confession of the underground paths to happiness, confession of your present blessings. Let light dominate.
It’s not about what you do, its about what you perceive.
I am trying to remember how I was before I thought of “closing the gap”, concept and how I thought differently and what were the different effects. I am doing this to analyze what I am really doing by “closing the gap” and why is it so impacting, and if its really what I should do, and if I would be missing out on any Life if I did so. Before I figured it out, there was a pattern in my moments of inspiration: low, low low, shot up to peak, fast but gradual decrease, low, low, low. Now with this new concept in mind, inspiration comes as I use it: gradually upward. So its not “closing the gap” that makes it go up, but it only supports it. what makes it go up?
When I try to “close the gap” I feellike what I am doing is trying to see beauty in the things I see and justification for the errors I sense.
I am confused, if what I think is true then, what the hell was I doing by giving myself hell? If one does not see the light by immersing themselves in darkness. I guess I just didnt know how to be afraid.
(please dont kill me, I dont want to die. I want to live, I want to keep on wasting my time).
Accusers- no better than themselves, people that mind: how does one deal with them? Although my ego denies it, I’ve done it before; when my friends would fail, I would not just see them as disgraceful.
I want to go over my diary to confirm this new method, hopefully I dont forget.I went over my diaries to figure out why “closing the gap” feels like a completeness. I had talked about it in March 29.
If I cant see beauty, I have to admit that there is at least unseen beauty, and that the repulsiveness I see is only in myself.
Why the hell did I think it was important to kill myself?! I did the opposite of what I wanted because I would not accept the light unless it was Complete. What I did was: I closed all the windows, and doors, turned off all the lights and candles, covered up every hole where light could seep through, and yelled at the top of my lungs, “WHERE IS THE LIGHT!!!? Where is it!?” if I saw any sign of light, I would quickly cover up where it came from so that I was in as much darkness as I could put myself in, and I suffered. I trapped myself in. It was like I blind folded myself with layers and layers over my eyes, and asked God to show me how to see. I asked Him to remove the blindness from me, but as he tried to help me Iheld on tightly to my blindfolds. What was I doing here? Why was I doing this?This is what it looks like now, and it doesnt seem to make sense now, but it did back then. What did this mean?
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