I guess the reason why I cursed myself to be blind was because I thought that Truth was a lie, or maybe because I am looking for a better access to Truth... by closing myself from it, and searching for any holes left, to close them. Because in searching for peace, I was looking towards the things that I hated, but did not love them, because I was looking to love hate and pain. And not avoid it. But to love hate and pain, I must love, not hate. But because I fear hate coming towards me in the future I am obsessed with it; and even when I tried to not concern myself with it, it still comes and then for too long.
Looking over Diaries to explain this is I find April 1: value to corruptible objects: I am concerned that what I am about to execute “closing the gap” will only be giving value to corruptible objects. Why? Because when I try to close the gap between imagination and reality, I realize that what ends up happening is that I am trying to find reasons (that I already love) in the things that I see, to love them. But I am not necessarily loving them for what I see, but reasons that I have in my mind. How is this not giving value to corruptible objects? Depression comes as one is giving value to things that are already corrupted. This sounds familiar, at times when all of a sudden I feel ashamed and depressed about things that I did not care about before. This is because I have given value to something that I have found to be already corrupted? Maybe the answer lies in analyzing the nature of valuing. What is it about value? Why must it be placed?
No comments:
Post a Comment