I am tired of this, I am tired of trying to fix a problem that I dont know what it is, or how to fix it. Its like a puzzle, Im tired of trying to solve it. My mind keeps coming up with examples of how I am wrong, and I keep having different emotions, but they never stick, they are all worthless, fleeting, until the next perspective comes, I dont know what any of this means, I just dont know. I dont even know what I am looking for anymore.
I think I have to be okay with this feeling that I consider to be failure. Its what stops me from doing things, because I want to avoid it. This is why I am so confused about everything, because I want something and then I want something and then I want something because I am so sensitive to this little feeling, and I realize that no matter what I do, this feeling is still there. But I dont know what this feeling is, I dont understand it. And therefore I dont know how to, or even if to deal with it. Sometimes I think its from outside things, and I hate it so I try to change it; sometimes I think its from my body, and I hate it so I try to change it; sometimes I think its from my thoughts or my state of mind; and I hate it so I try to change it. And all of these are not necessarily false, but they are not necessarily true, and if I try to change them...
My thoughts about things keep changing, one moment I love the puppy because for some reason, and the next moment I hate the puppy for some reason, a reason that I saw but never acknowledged before. And so when I sit to “meditate” to make laws part of me, I hesitate; because I know that my idea of what is right, and what is desireable, and what is righteous will change, so I “pay attention” instead? Maybe its about being able to justify whatever happens in any way; and there I go again.
This must be the reason why that when I am single I wish I wasnt, but when I am not I wish I was; because the feeling of emptiness has nothing to do with being single. I always wondered what it would be like to be addicted to a drug that you didnt know what it was, well now I guess I know, you think its because of this or that, you want different things, looking for something to satisfy you but nothing ever does. I guess if you honestly believe that something will satisfy you, it will theoretically, but the feeling of emptiness will still be there. I dont even know what I am looking for...
The sounds, I wonder if they are supposed to be synchronized with the music; but the thing about love, is that it makes everything sound like music, even the heartbeat beating at the back of my head.
So if my problem is that I dont like things, I need two things (that I can think of): I need to know how to like things, and then I need to know how to remember to like things. But this means that I dont like to be without these two things I think I need. And thats how I manage to make myself feel incomplete.
Ok I think I got something (what do you think I do all day?). So the point is to see that everything is perfect, and I usually ask, but how do I see how things are perfect? Well, sometimes you do, in ways that I have described, and if you dont, well thats perfect. Its not about seeing how things ae perfect, its about just admitting that they are, whatever it is you see, whether you can see it or not; whatever it is, its perfect. When you admit that things are perfect you are admitting reality, you are laying down the truth, and if you dont; its perfect, and you cant deny it. Its all real folks, its all God’s will. This is what you have been fighting against.
I tend to keep looking for excuses that show how things are not perfect, and if I am only fooling myself, the fooling is only showing that something is wrong. But whatever I see is perfect and my folly is perfect, and whether I see it or not, that is also perfect.
I was basing perfection on others, and so I didnt think things were perfect unless I saw other people as perfect, I was not going to be satisfied until I felt good with other people, but thats not the point. You must not seek perfection for the sake of YOUR idea of peace. True peace and perfection is not mundanely understood, it cannot be explained with human language.
When you think things are perfect, you dont try to deny them, this Love brings Truth.
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