Only until you learn to appreciate what you already have, will you realize that you, nothing lack.
So I attempt,summer break starrted and I have been eating too much and playing too many video games, I am suppose to tell myself that it is ok? And keep doing it? So i think of how free I am suppose to feel, even if I am really not, I cant get it by blaming myself, but am I not already blaming myself with ignorance? I am confused on how I am suppose to react to this... whatever state this is; but I can conceive the direction I must go. I lay in bed, trying to show myself how pere4ct the world is, with everything that I think about, my mind automatically brings ideas up, as I listen, I write “love” on them. But how? With what came to mind once, all that I am suppose to do, instead of looking for what is causing the problem, is just accept the symptoms, because the symptoms are essentially the problem. I wrote about this probably weeks ago, when I was confused on what I was suppose to “use my imagination” on when I did not know what the problem was, my conclusion ended up being that I was not to find the problem but just accept the present for what it is, because whatever the problem is, the fact that you mind brings it to the present. So thats what I am doing in my mind, I was thinking of me going berzerk, going nuts with blindness and confusion, and seeing how perfect that is... so is this what I am suppose to do? What about inspirational stuff? Or looking for other places where perfection may lie, like finding solutions; so I started focusing on those, but then I felt like if I was disregarding the other domain from labeling it with perfection, and what is this idea of perfection that I have anyways? Is this idea really how I am suppose to make things better? And if there are two domains that I have found, is not there bound to be infinitely more? So how do I gain access to all these and more so that I make sure that I am considering them? loving them? what if there are mysteries and domains beyond my reach? How am I suppose to love these, am I even giving them a chance? And so the attempt I carried out to try and mark Infinity with perfection now seemed like a waste of time, there is just too much, and too much outside my consideration, if not beyond my reach. So I try to consider all things that I must be missing, I just listen; what else could there be? But whatever answer I get is never enough, I just keep listening; I must listen eternally. Waiting for the Lord to give me a sign... or just waiting for the Lord to... Whatever perfection is, it is not something I can find, I must keep listening, “paying attention”.The answer is paradoxical again: to search for Truth you must admit the you do not have it, to find Truth you must seek as if you will never have found it.
Its like praying, but undure of what to ask for, unsure of what matters, what there is, what all of this means, what God is doing, your place in life, your role in existence, if your desires are pure or not, if what you want is more than God, if your not sure what God’s will is, or if He wants it done, you only search inside yourself and pray, “...”.
There are temptations once I leace the room; its not about changing my habits, its about noticing what they are, and through this I noticed that they have been changed all along? I am trying to explain the paradox again. It turs out that anything I want, whether I want to change or not, is meaningless, or is it meaningful? Which ever one it is I cant see it. Because I am ignoring something, what am I ignoring? But I bet this feeling that I am ignoring something only comes from the same “desire factor”.So maybe I am not ignoring something, or whether I am ignoring it or not it doesnt matter, but I cant see it. The conclusion: “I cant see it”, it keeps coming up. Is this who the culprit is? Maybe I just need to see that I cant see, when I cant see what I need to see.
(I dont think I am going crazy with philosophy here, if you think I am confused because of the way that I am thinking you should look at the rest of humanity, I am suffering no more complex an ordeal than the rest of the world with all its nonsense; it just might be that I stripped the problem of its disguise, so that confusion itself is exposed, without making me think that its source is someone or something in the outside world, and that the way to fix it is by influencing matters).
The problem is that I think that there is a problem, that I think that I am on to something and that I think there is something to fix, and yet this is what I am trying to fix. The problem is Life itself, the solution to the problem is Life, therefore Life is not a problem; the problem of Life is there is no problem.
Thinking about how we hide our desires from others, you dont want them to find out because you dont want them to try and help you, because when they get you what you need you realize that you didnt need what you got to solve the problem, so the problem is not that you dont have what you need, (but that you dont need what you have), but in this funny way you do need what you dont need to solve the problem, but its not the problem you think you are solving, and the solution is not what you think it is, even though they work together perfectly as if they were.
I want to say that I am so confused but I just dont know anymore.
I believe the solution lies in trying to understand, er, in understanding this paradox, that since the problem can not be gotten rid of, its not really a problem. That the problem is that I am trying to get rid of the problem of getting rid of the problem. But what if the problem is this, what if the problem is that? I guess you cant blame anyone, and in this way there is no problem, but since you are forced to accept it, it just becomes a property, a property that demands being completely open, loving, open to all possibilitiies, as much as you can; so how do you Love? You are open, to absolutely anything, any beauty, any possibility, and how do you do this? Well, you yearn to listen to what that beauty is; when you are rejecting, it simply means that you are not listening, now listen. If the problem is listening, than what better way to find out than to listen; if you must find out by not listening, I already do that enough thank you. If not listening is the point of this life, but I dont know, what more can I do. (I am trying to make sure that “listening” is an unconditional impertative, if you havent noticed, but even though I gave myself an answer, I feel inside myself that it is just a pathetic excuse, there is something I am missing).
Forgiveness and Faith.
I feel that maybe listening has the same necessity with finding out what the problem is as living is to seeing beauty. And what are the effects of listening? Well, you dont blame anything at will, you are open to everything, and so you feel free to do anything.
What about blindness? Jimmy, you have to understand that this blindness is only an illusion, it is caused because you think you are blind, but if you just look, you will see that you see everything.
I have to be okay with living like this forever, because no matter what I do, I will always live like this forever.
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