May 31, 2010

As I danced for Spirit’s sake,

This is what went through my mind:

Thinking of all the things I could do with my body, feeling the freedom under the binding; and only a piece of eternity in the moment.  My imagination goes even wilder thinking og all the things I can be willing to imagine.  I realize that anything we imagine, anything we dream, is already True.  The reason we have access to dreams is because they are inside of us, and we are part of them.

This is what I thought:

Why “pay attention”: essentially follows from a problem; whatever the problem is, one “naturally” pays attention for a solution.  (though I said this, I really dont think this is a legitimate justification).

This is what I felt:

When you make yourself satisfied you mean what you do and you know you are doing it, it feels the same as “paying attention” to it.  Blindness and deafness comes from denying Truth, from ignoring and being in denial of the Truth from not meaning what you do.

May 30, 2010

Ive said this before: that I have had the thought that all that mankind wants to do is to prove or see the accomplishment of Truth; this means Life, and is also Meaning.  There are times in which their ignorance is exposed to them, and when ignorance is exposed what they see is Truthlessness; and when this happens, people can either, find ways to ignore the ignorance, or find a way to see through their ignorance.  With “paying attention” you see more, and with it comes meaning and satisfaction.  Desires come only from wanting to accomplish a fantasy, to straighten some beliefs. When one “pays attention” one doesnt just hide the puzzle pieces under the rug and pretend the puzzle is complete, but one searches out the missing pieces, along as they figure out where they go.  And so all I need to do is listen to the Truth that my self is trying to admit, all anyone needs to do to feel free is to know that they have admitted the Truth.

Sometimes it seem as if I have two goals: that of peace of mind, and that of continuous inspiration; although my theory tells me that these to goals are actually one, but my experience right now doesnt seem so, it seems I am being pulled apart, seeking for inspiration, and settling into satisfaction; but I bet this dichotomy is only another illusion produced by fear; that desire/fear which urges me forward is the same desire/fear that holds me back. It seems that I should not be passive with this goal I have, but of course, I should not be desperate either.

I think I know why there is a feeling of disconnection when I “pay attention”, I think it means I am letting go of necessity; or the feeling that an external symbol means “something” and so something inevitable must happen.   This must is what makes one feel bound to a moment, a “must” feeling, a feeling of being deprived of freedom.  Im not sure if this is right; or at least, how and why “paying attention” produces a feeling of disconnnection.

Have no laws... we are so used to working with laws in our lives, we dont even know when we are doing it.  But me telling you to have no laws, is like me commanding you to be free.  We should not even have this suggestion as a law, because even if we only make this one law “to have no laws”, we would be watching out, and staying away from things that look like laws; (I have written before, that, a person only fears one thing, and everything that they happen to connect with the thing they fear, and therefore...) If we make the law to “have no laws”, what will inevitably follow is making laws against anything that reminds us of laws; and before you know it, we will be living our lives under the slavery of laws, just what we were trying to avoid.  Its the same concept of “protecting one’s freedom” or “securing one’s freedom”.  Our society has gone so far down the path to “secure our freedom” when there is no such preposturous shit.  Freedom is not meant to be secured, it is meant to be free.

May 28, 2010

I am tired of this, I am tired of trying to fix a problem that I dont know what it is, or how to fix it.  Its like a puzzle, Im tired of trying to solve it.  My mind keeps coming up with examples of how I am wrong, and I keep having different emotions, but they never stick, they are all worthless, fleeting, until the next perspective comes, I dont know what any of this means, I just dont know.  I dont even know what I am looking for anymore.

I think I have to be okay with this feeling that I consider to be failure.  Its what stops me from doing things, because I want to avoid it.  This is why I am so confused about everything, because I want something and then I want something and then I want something because I am so sensitive to this little feeling, and I realize that no matter what I do, this feeling is still there.  But I dont know what this feeling is, I dont understand it.  And therefore I dont know how to, or even if to deal with it.  Sometimes I think its from outside things, and I hate it so I try to change it; sometimes I think its from my body, and I hate it so I try to change it; sometimes I think its from my thoughts or my state of mind; and I hate it so I try to change it.  And all of these are not necessarily false, but they are not necessarily true, and if I try to change them...

My thoughts about things keep changing, one moment I love the puppy because for some reason, and the next moment I hate the puppy for some reason, a reason that I saw but never acknowledged before.  And so when I sit to “meditate” to make laws part of me, I hesitate; because I know that my idea of what is right, and what is desireable, and what is righteous will change, so I “pay attention” instead?  Maybe its about being able to justify whatever happens in any way; and there I go again.

This must be the reason why that when I am single I wish I wasnt, but when I am not I wish I was; because the feeling of emptiness has nothing to do with being single.  I always wondered what it would be like to be addicted to a drug that you didnt know what it was, well now I guess I know, you think its because of this or that, you want different things, looking for something to satisfy you but nothing ever does.  I guess if you honestly believe that something will satisfy you, it will theoretically, but the feeling of emptiness will still be there.  I dont even know what I am looking for...

The sounds, I wonder if they are supposed to be synchronized with the music; but the thing about love, is that it makes everything sound like music, even the heartbeat beating at the back of my head.

So if my problem is that I dont like things, I need two things (that I can think of): I need to know how to like things, and then I need to know how to remember to like things.  But this means that I dont like to be without these two things I think I need.  And thats how I manage to make myself feel incomplete.

Ok I think I got something (what do  you think I do all day?).  So the point is to see that everything is perfect, and I usually ask, but how do I see how things are perfect?  Well, sometimes you do, in ways that I have described, and if you dont, well thats perfect.  Its not about seeing how things ae perfect, its about just admitting that they are, whatever it is you see, whether you can see it or not; whatever it is, its perfect.  When you admit that things are perfect you are admitting reality, you are laying down the truth, and if you dont; its perfect, and you cant deny it.  Its all real folks, its all God’s will.  This is what you have been fighting against.

I tend to keep looking for excuses that show how things are not perfect, and if I am only fooling myself, the fooling is only showing that something is wrong.  But whatever I see is perfect and my folly is perfect, and whether I see it or not, that is also perfect.

I was basing perfection on others, and so I didnt think things were perfect unless I saw other people as perfect, I was not going to be satisfied until I felt good with other people, but thats not the point.  You must not seek perfection for the sake of YOUR idea of peace.  True peace and perfection is not mundanely understood, it cannot be explained with human language.

When you think things are perfect, you dont try to deny them, this Love brings Truth.

May 27, 2010

Some laws that I think I must remember:

Its not about what you do, is about what you perceive.

With the Grace and for the Glory of God.

Every act is as any other.

Love this part of Reality, its face must be felt.

Listen, there are things you will never know, accept these and the more tragedies.

Whenever you feellike you MUST do something, this is the culprit, even if it tells you that you MUST enlighten, God does not force you to be good.  But this feeling, is not something that you MUST get rid of, just accept it.

May 26, 2010

Only until you learn to appreciate what you already have, will you realize that you, nothing lack.

So I attempt,summer break starrted and I have been eating too much and playing too many video games, I am suppose to tell myself that it is ok? And keep doing it? So i think of how free I am suppose to feel, even if I am really not, I cant get it by blaming myself, but am I not already blaming myself with ignorance? I am confused on how I am suppose to react to this... whatever state this is; but I can conceive the direction I must go.  I lay in bed, trying to show myself how pere4ct the world is, with everything that I think about, my mind automatically brings ideas up, as I listen, I write “love” on them.  But how?  With what came to mind once, all that I am suppose to do, instead of looking for what is causing the problem, is just accept the symptoms, because the symptoms are essentially the problem.  I wrote about this probably weeks ago, when I was confused on what I was suppose to “use my imagination” on when I did not know what the problem was, my conclusion ended up being that I was not to find the problem but just accept the present for what it is, because whatever the problem is, the fact that you mind brings it to the present.  So thats what I am doing in my mind, I was thinking of me going berzerk, going nuts with blindness and confusion, and seeing how perfect that is... so is this what I am suppose to do?  What about inspirational stuff?  Or looking for other places where perfection may lie, like finding solutions; so I started focusing on those, but then I felt like if I was disregarding the other domain from labeling it with perfection, and what is this idea of perfection that I have anyways?  Is this idea really how I am suppose to make things better?  And if there are two domains that I have found, is not there bound to be infinitely more?  So how do I gain access to all these and more so that I make sure that I am considering them? loving them?  what if there are mysteries and domains beyond my reach? How am I suppose to love these, am I even giving them a chance?  And so the attempt I carried out to try and mark Infinity with perfection now seemed like a waste of time, there is just too much, and too much outside my consideration, if not beyond my reach.  So I try to consider all things that I must be missing, I just listen; what else could there be?  But whatever answer I get is never enough, I just keep listening; I must listen eternally.  Waiting for the Lord to give me a sign... or just waiting for the Lord to...  Whatever perfection is, it is not something I can find, I must keep listening, “paying attention”.The answer is paradoxical again: to search for Truth you must admit the you do not have it, to find Truth you must seek as if you will never have found it.

Its like praying, but undure of what to ask for, unsure of what matters, what there is, what all of this means, what God is doing, your place in life, your role in existence, if your desires are pure or not, if what you want is more than God, if your not sure what God’s will is, or if He wants it done, you only search inside yourself and pray, “...”.

There are temptations once I leace the room; its not about changing my habits, its about noticing what they are, and through this I noticed that they have been changed all along?  I am trying to explain the paradox again.  It turs out that anything I want, whether I want to change or not, is meaningless, or is it meaningful?  Which ever one it is I cant see it.  Because I am ignoring something, what am I ignoring?  But I bet this feeling that I am ignoring something only comes from the same “desire factor”.So maybe I am not ignoring something, or whether I am ignoring it or not it doesnt matter, but I cant see it.  The conclusion: “I cant see it”, it keeps coming up.  Is this who the culprit is?  Maybe I just need to see that I cant see, when I cant see what I need to see. 

(I dont think I am going crazy with philosophy here, if you think I am confused because of the way that I am thinking you should look at the rest of humanity, I am suffering no more complex an ordeal than the rest of the world with all its nonsense; it just might be that I stripped the problem of its disguise, so that confusion itself is exposed, without making me think that its source is someone or something in the outside world, and that the way to fix it is by influencing matters).

The problem is that I think that there is a problem, that I think that I am on to something and that I think there is something to fix, and yet this is what I am trying to fix.  The problem is Life itself, the solution to the problem is Life, therefore Life is not a problem; the problem of Life is there is no problem.

Thinking about how we hide our desires from others, you dont want them to find out because you dont want them to try and help you, because when they get you what you need you realize that you didnt need what you got to solve the problem, so the problem is not that you dont have what you need, (but that you dont need what you have), but in this funny way you do need what you dont need to solve the problem, but its not the problem you think you are solving, and the solution is not what you think it is, even though they work together perfectly as if they were.

I want to say that I am so confused but I just dont know anymore.

I believe the solution lies in trying to understand, er, in understanding this paradox, that since the problem can not be gotten rid of, its not really a problem.  That the problem is that I am trying to get rid of the problem of getting rid of the problem.  But what if the problem is this, what if the problem is that?  I guess you cant blame anyone, and in this way there is no problem, but since you are forced to accept it, it just becomes a property, a property that demands being completely open, loving, open to all possibilitiies, as much as you can; so how do you Love? You are open, to absolutely anything, any beauty, any possibility, and how do you do this? Well, you yearn to listen to what that beauty is; when you are rejecting, it simply means that you are not listening, now listen.  If the problem is listening, than what better way to find out than to listen; if you must find out by not listening, I already do that enough thank you.  If not listening is the point of this life, but I dont know, what more can I do.  (I am trying to make sure that “listening” is an unconditional impertative, if you havent noticed, but even though I gave myself an answer, I feel inside myself that it is just a pathetic excuse, there is something I am missing).

Forgiveness and Faith.

I feel that maybe listening has the same necessity with finding out what the problem is as living is to seeing beauty.  And what are the effects of listening? Well, you dont blame anything at will, you are open to everything, and so you feel free to do anything.

What about blindness? Jimmy, you have to understand that this blindness is only an illusion, it is caused because you think you are blind, but if you just look, you will see that you see everything.

I have to be okay with living like this forever, because no matter what I do, I will always live like this forever.