April 30, 2010

This thought that I escape to, to feel free, to clear my mind of concerns;

The amount of inspiration that I receive from this lower god may not seem like much, but it is enough to keep me from wanting to die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As of yesterday, I am officially a sex offender.

Just another effect to prove how things work around here,

they feel a need to amplify the severity of my actions just

because the way I act doesn't make any sense to them.

Even though I am not suppose to be suffering because of this,

I am still getting consolation.

As the fog clears away, I see hope that I would have considered mundane.

I challenge myself to love as much as possible; to seek the things that I hate

and force myself to swallow them.

But God is Infinite, he tells me that its okay if I dont love Him completely,

its ok if there are parts of Him that I hate;  He has Infinitely more surprises

up His sleeve that are sure make me fall in Love with Him.

April 28, 2010

Today I had a significant sceneraio:

Blindfolded people eating rotten plums, some were less rotten than others, there were perfectly good and delicious plums in crates by the wall, but the rotten ones were on the table.

This is what it means:

The blindfolded people explain why they cant see.  They eat the rotten plums, some are less rotten than others, but they are all disgusting.  They have not gotten used to the taste, but have forgotten what good plums taste like; therefore they live half-heartedly.  Some know about the perfectly good plums in the crates, but they dont say anything as they eat the rotten plums, but they are worried that they will always have rotten plums.  So they eat them in order to get rid of them, so that they wont have to eat rotten plums ever again.  But as they finish the rotten plums, the plums that were perfectly good become spoiled with time; and the perfectly good plums become as distant as a fantasy, an unrealizable dream.

What this means:

The answer to the problem is to forget the rotten plums, and rejoice in what you have.  The rotten plums are secondary solutions to our problems.  We choose to satisfy ourselves with sacrifice, because we do not believe that we can be happy with what we have and what we have reaped unless we get rid of what has been spoiled.  We have adopted the habits of worms instead of letting the worms get their share of food.  We do not treat ourselves like and we do not believe that we are human beings; we do not even believe that human beings were meant to eat perfectly good plums.  Because of this, we will never eat the perfectly good plums, though they are at our reach; we choose to try and solve our problem of not eating good plums by eating (to solve the problem,) rotten plums (what does not satisfy our spirit,) though it will only produce more problems (more rotten plums), so that our perfect state (satisfying ourselves healthily) becomes a fantasy (and do not believe anyone that says that they have tasted a good plum, but rather look down on them for saying such a thing).  Eating a perfectly good plum now becomes unreal, and someone who has said that they have, will be shamed for... for making us think about the fact that we have been eating rotten plums for nothing.  And because we do not want to believe this, we put them to shame; so that we dont have to be ashamed.  The price one has to pay to eat a good plum is none, but those that have been feeding on rot believe it to be high, and when someone tries to eat a good plum they do not want to give up their belief and accept that they have wasting their lives, they are terrified of this; so they try their hardest to make those who go after the good plums believe that there is a high price to pay.  In this way they not only curse themselves but they curse whoever listens to them.  This is true of anyone who has accepted the spirit of the Accuser.  For so long they have lived with suffering that they have forgotten even the possibility of tasting the good plums; and they consider the act to be Unholy, they consider it an abomination to be a True Human being, one that does not suffer, one so healthy that it does not pain him to sacrifice.  For so long they have suffered that they think it is a disgrace to not suffer.

They say the world would be a better place if we just didnt exist... but we do; and we inevitably even exist in you.

April 27, 2010

After WCF I felt horrible... I was trying to mean it.. I was trying to think it as art, I  was trying to accept it, I was trying to enjoy it... it came on very strong, I was trying to saacrifice, I cared not for a higher perspective, because this was, after all, part of the possibilities I would be willing to go through, and I gave it up, against my will, but I willingly gave up my life.

I was thinking about how not sleepy I was, and the reason I was trying to sleep is because everyone tells me I should get sleep. And then I did the same with the rest of my torment... they are not mine, but suggestions I receive from others, about how to feel about myself.

7:45 PM me: hey

 Friend #2: hi

 me: so it was you

 Friend #2: what do you mean?

 me: last night I was talking to intervarsity staff

  I found her on facebook chat after wcf

7:46 PM I told her, and staff2 today

 Friend #2: about what?

 me: something weird happened yesterday

 Friend #2: what was me?

  what happened?

 me: about what I was feeling

 Friend #2: are you gonna tell me what happened?

7:47 PM me: the emotions went away all of a sudden

  calm down little lady Im working on it

 Friend #2: haha

  your just making me confused and I wanna know whats going on

  haha

 me: anyways with the way my emotions left and how I felt afterward I got the impression

  that:

7:48 PM the torment I was going through was not my own, but was subconsciously communicated from people around me

 Friend #2: me?

 me: I focused on girl and staff

7:49 PM but I got clean impression from girl

  and mostly clean from staff

  I didnt focus on you

  I felt horrible

 Friend #2: so why did you say "so it was you"

 me: I dont know if it was the same as yours or you were projecting the image of your friend on me

7:50 PM Friend #2: can you say what youre saying more clearly?

7:51 PM me: what I felt last night was the second worst torment I have ever felt at whitman

  maybe worst

  it only lasted half an hour for me

7:52 PM but I can understand why someone would kill themselves after a couple of days of that

  im telling you man, that was a fucking trip

 Friend #2: are you saying that you had visions of my friend that killed himself?

 me: so Im thinking you might have projected your friend's image on me so that I felt her pain

7:53 PM no stupid

  no vision

  just emotions and thoughts

 Friend #2: whoa

  no need for calling me stupid

  so what were they?

  and she was a he

 me: whatever

  dont worry about my language

 Friend #2: just for the record

  i know i know

7:54 PM me: its how I show my love

 Friend #2: i want to know what you were feeling

  when did this happen to you?

 me: you wanna know what I was feeling?

  last night bitch

  lol jk

 Friend #2: sure

  stop

 me: for half an hour after wcf

7:55 PM I dont know if it was yours or his

  or if it was jjust me

  but I was fucking hopeless

 Friend #2: huh

7:56 PM give me more

 me: no

  shut up

 Friend #2: what?

 me: i felt like I was going crazy

 Friend #2: how so?

 me: hold on let me put it in words so that it makes sense

 Friend #2: okay

7:57 PM me: umm, like everything that I was...

  ugh

  I dont know

  hold on

  lol

  Im sorry I dont think I can explain

7:58 PM If I could, I would fix you up a drink with a flavor like the one I was experiencing, but I dont know how to make drinks like that

  hold on let me think if I can communicate this

  I was going crazy

  like loony crazy

7:59 PM there were things that I was hoping for and things that were hidden

  that others would find,

8:00 PM if others just knew what I was going through

  (Im not sure about this line...)but nobody cares on the surface

8:01 PM I think I felt like I was working on something

8:02 PM or like I was not in the position to ask for help

  like it would be pathe... no

8:03 PM like if I asked for help it would not fix the situation

8:04 PM Friend #2: so you think that my friends feeling were being channeled to you?

  or are those your own feelings?

8:05 PM me: I dont fucking know,, all I know is that they left all of a sudden, and those things are not things that I usually care about

 Friend #2: huh

  thats strange

 me: but it was from large group for sure

 Friend #2: what did staff and staff2 say about it?

8:06 PM me: I told staff not to believe me that it may just be my imagination

  and I didnt think about you until after I talked to them

8:07 PM but staff2 understands

  what I have told him about how people learn sin by example and how it may get transferred subconsciously

8:08 PM and how we must look towards the example that Reality provides

 Friend #2: huh

 me: nothing...

 Friend #2: thats interesting.... i think

  hah

8:09 PM im just a little confused

 me: oh well I could tell you about my....

 Friend #2: sorry

  you justlost me for a bit

 me: I post my Diary on facebook

 Friend #2: is that the reason why you emailed me?

 me: Im working on somehting

  emailed you what?

  oh yea, after the trip I emailed you

8:10 PM Friend #2: the email where you asked if everything was okay

 me: yea, but I didnt think it was from you until a couple of hours after you told me about your friend

  I meana coup hours after I read it

8:12 PM but it could be the same reason

  anything can be a sign

8:13 PM Friend #2: thats really interesting

8:14 PM me: reallY?

 Friend #2: i mean sort of

  its kind of hard if everything can be a sign

 me: actually, I believe EVERYTHING is a sign

  of EVERYTHING

8:15 PM but your mind chooses to see things that will show your conscious something thtat yours subconcious is concerned about

8:17 PM Friend #2: okay

  i can agree with that

 me: so the pain that YOU ar experiencing does it make yyou want to kill yourself?

8:18 PM Friend #2: i get a lot of signs here and there like taht

  that

 me: tat

 Friend #2: no

 me: or like your hopelessly lost?

 Friend #2: did the feelings make YOU want to kill yourself?

  nope

 me: HELL FUCKING YES

8:19 PM Friend #2: just for that 30 mins?

  or do you still feel that way?

 me: Im telling you, I could understand how someone would want to kill themselves after feeling that for a couple of hours

 Friend #2: well of course

 me: specially if it was day to day

 Friend #2: i can understand that too

 me: I give it probably 3 days of five hours each

 Friend #2: what does that mean?

8:20 PM me: no I just felt it for thirty minutes with probably a 10 minute climax an 5 minuites of ighest intenstity

  (estimating)

8:21 PM it means I think I would kill myself after a three day program of a daily five hour session of that

 Friend #2: huh

  that sucks

8:22 PM me: well whatever

 Friend #2: whatever

  ha

 me: it kind feels good in hindsight

  I mean like, cool

 Friend #2: ya?

8:23 PM me: it was intense

  lol

 Friend #2: that you got to experience that?

 me: yea dude

 Friend #2: dude

 me: its like death metal

  LOL

 Friend #2: i know nothing of death metal

 me: I sent you that song once

  unless you didnt listen to it

8:24 PM Friend #2: that was a long time ago and i rpobably only listened to it for like 5 sec

  sorry

 me: lol

  you suck

 Friend #2: :)

 me: you suck large

8:25 PM Friend #2: yesss

 me: mhm

8:26 PM ok listen to this...

8:27 PM its a song about Cain

8:28 PM will you listen?

 Friend #2: i dont know

  why do you want me to listen to i?

  it?

 me: nvrmind whatever I dont car

 Friend #2: haha

  send it to me

  i was just kidding

8:29 PM me: just cuz I think its awesome and I want you to think its awesome too

 Friend #2: i will listen to some of it

 me: do you know Cain

 Friend #2: lets see if i think its awesome

  nope

 me: Genesis chapter four

 Friend #2: McCain

  ?

  nope

 me: Cain and Abel

  OMG

 Friend #2: explain please

  i know Abel

8:30 PM me: Cain is the brother who killed him

 Friend #2: Cain is not ringing a bell

  oh okay

 me: gosh were you raised christiian or not

 Friend #2: nope

  not at all

 me: oh ok

 Friend #2: no religious background

 me: its not christian music

 Friend #2: i figured

 me: but the players are outcasted catholics

8:31 PM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCfpJjh7MJw

8:32 PM Friend #2: does it have words?

  oh okay

  i dont really like music like this

  sorry

 me: yea not many people do

8:33 PM Friend #2: but you do

 me: or I dont meet that many people that do

  I like alot of weird stuff

8:34 PM Friend #2: i know

 me: you know one time, I fucked my bible

 Friend #2: huh

  weird

  well im gonna go now

 me: lol yea

 Friend #2: thanks for telling me taht

8:35 PM me: watever

 Friend #2: thanks for sharing your story

8:36 PM :)

  have a goodnight

 me: i still havnt told you that one story

8:37 PM Friend #2: next time

  i gotta do some hw

  sorry

8:38 PM me: im not gonnsa... sure go a head

This was about the night before when I literally felt like I was going to puke out my sanity!

I was ballin' heavy!!!

April 25, 2010

We need not be afraid of death, for we are immortal.  For this God that we live under, is eternal.

We must first learn to live without it, so that we learn the full advantage of having it, and the freedom of losing it.

Its been working, but I dont know how to describe what I am doing, maybe there is no description, or maybe I just dont know.  I would like to say that I am not being afraid of anything, but I am also not afraid to be afraid, but at the same time I am letting myself be afraid.  I would like to say that I am not going along with my fears, but I am going along with them, at the same time I am disregarding them; I am disregarding them though I am giving them what they want.  I would like to say that I am trying to feel satisfied in every present time in my life, but I also crave disatisfaction, and that craving is disatisfaction already.

God = Peace

You must discover the True value of Love, Peace, Truth...  but these are not what society imagines them to be.  You must first discover what True Love, True Peace, and True Truth are.

God is Peace.  Peace can be energetic, it does not have to be smooth; Peace can be violent, it does not have to be calm.  Peace can be found in confusion, conflict and in hatred,but if you don’t have Peace while doing these, then you have not found It.  Peace is not portrayed by everyone on the Earth holding hands in harmony and happiness; this is how peace is mundanely portrayed.  But this portrayal is not all worthless, but we must pay attention to what the picture is communicating to our subconscious; if we carry the picture of “peace”  in our heart we will find that: everyone of those people in that picture are every aspect of Life and every emotion and perspective anyone could ever experience (even hatred and fear), and they are all holding hands in harmony.  Therefore, in our dimension, we can look at an earth that is just like ours, and still find Peace.Therefore, we will remain in hell, until we see Heaven on earth; until we give up our pride, our throne of “self-righteousness”; and our prejudice about God’s will, the pain that we inflict on ourselves to try to prove how imperfect God is.  In other words, until we give up doing the work of Satan.