December 3, 2009

Ok so I think I got something,

My procrastination is due to my lack of taking risks.

My lack of taking risks is due to following Intervarsity’s staff’s advice.

Following his advice, is not due to my trust on them, but rather my love for him.

The reason why loving him, means doing what he told me to is because I gave him a cue, that meant that I would follow his advice, that I would do as he said.

So I am bound to do as he says or else I am breaking trust, something I must not do.

So to not do what he says and not break trust, I had to tell him before hand to not count on me with following his advice.

But I made it a rule not to tell him (just for kicks).

And thats why I have been going crazy.

So my next alternative to getting my life back on track, was to stop loving Intervarsity staff, to disregard him as an idiot, to admit to myself, that his words were just ridiculous and I shouldnt follow them.  Although I tried to put him down, I felt it wasnt right to do this.

So all of this happened, because I was curious.  I told my ex yesterday of all that was going on, and how I made rules to keep it all to myself, just to see what happened.  I already knew what would happen if I told, I would feel better, they would trust me more, yadiyadi yada.  But I was curious about taking the other course of action.  So yea, all of this happened because of my rule, and I thank God for it, it was fun while it lasted (but I need to get my homeworl done now)  that was really something, thank you God.  So something that I need to learn to do, is break trust with people at will, not do what they say and still admit that I love them, I finally know the problem and so I must attack it.

METHOD::: And something that I have learned is to not go by other’s rules just for their sake.  But since I love them, I must try to understand their motive for them wanting me to do such a thing (their “advice” is not usually favor-wise, but rather lifestyle-wise, so that I have to change who I am for their sake).  But if I feel that their reflection on the sunject is not thorough enough, I will tell them how I feel about it.

1)      Ask why

(if you think there is more...) (If you think they are lying...)

2)      Tell them how you feel

(if they still havent answered thoroughly...) (if you still think they are lying...)

3)      Tell them to not count on you to follow their laws

Is like penny for penny, if someone tries to tell you what to do, and what they think right and wrong is, you tell them your part of your reflection, whichever one has more depth will be more understood (depending on each person’s ignorance).

See? My problem is that when the time comes, I panic and know not how to do this naturally, so now I made this procedure.

Hm, I wonder if I will get reported for this... (I did something that I havent told you, oh dear diary, well gosh look how much I am already saying, I guess I am more interested in writing down what happens in my head, rather than what happens outside.) So, I was fed up with thinking that people were talking behind my back, so what I did, (since no one would speak it to my face), I wrote down everything that I thought (and heard)  other people were saying about me... on the quote board.  So everybody would see it, so everybody would know that I know this now, that I am not blind to it, so stop saying it like if I am noot aware of anymore, because now it is obvious that I have seen it declared.  My roommate asked me if I did it, he was pist and ripped the board paper off the wall, (I wonder why it bothers him?... you wondering the same thing?—cmon it isnt because he is protective of me, the signs I have been getting say that he was the one that has been spreading the rumors, he was pist, and he was accusing me of doing it, he was not pist as being protective over me.)  So definitely this was a relief for me, this oppressive aura shitt was killing me.  But now my roommate seems to be pist, mind closed, but he never had hope of openning it anyways, at least he will have something to motivate him to not spread roomers about anyone.  Maybe not, maybe he liked it, my reaction to it was, “hm... kinda funny”.  So maybe he now understands how its possible to not care... somehting bugs me about this.  Oh right, that now he may think that its okay to do it to others, but not get done to him, he is not the kind of person that would take roomers  spread about him.  So he is just selfish in this sense.

whenever you dont like what you do, or you dont do what you would like to,, there is a problem holding you back, or keeping you from enjoying that part of life, and so you must figure out what it is and attack,,,

anger, sadness, fear, they all keep us from exploring, learning, living, and manifesting our curiosity. thats why they are bad.. I want to love to be afraid

omg i need to kill myself...

Through out our lives we go through times.. times are neither good nor bad, but according to how we are raised, we judge and focus on certaing things.

Ok so I think this is it, whenever I feel like a problem, I think of the bigger picture, or I think of something that is more important and how worthless my situation is... I compare mine with some grewsome past, or if I was close to death, because in these moments that one is close to death, we realize that our ethics are pathetic, we see the ethics of a dying man.  And also we see how blessed we truly are, that we are healthy enough to be alive, that we were lucky enough to ever exist...