As I was taking a shower right now, 3:52 AM, a hot shower, unusual to me because I prefer the cold, I decided that this cold all over my body, I couldnt relax with it, I needed the warmth, I needed the heat, to be comfortable, for once, and focus on something, or do whatever, and also so that the cold could feel good again, and wear socks over again.
I was thinking of what maybe this girl had been told, a make belief scenerio: who would take over the youth class now that I was gone? This girl had told me that she couldnt because of something she had done they wouldnt allow her to take that place. And I thought, what could they hae told her? Said: you can take this position if you just dont do this.. like controlling her, it seemed like a good I idea to her, like they were thinking the best for her, and they seem to be people of God, so she accepted; with the conditions that were considered, by them she was bound. And then they come to me and tell me that I should change the way I think, I never follow people, I follow my God, if they want me to give up my God, I tell them no, sorry, the way I drive my life, my beliefs on right and wrong... I say goodbye. she sees me walk, someone that she thought as righteous, an example, is now walking out from what she considers to be the people of God. Out of all the possible reactions, she is amazed by my action, it makes her wonder, why would such a good person, such an example, ever leave, did he lose himself, has he gone nuts? Or is it there something here, that I must question as well?
So out of this scenerio, I bring my focus on the possibility off me disappointing, I dont like to disappoint others, if I was concerned about disappointing her I would have stayed, and never to show such a dazzling example of action, “to follow God, rather than its image.” So with this scenerio I give myself the permission to use that same feeling, of being free to disappoint, by following myself, my own True God. I should not be bound by the conditions and rules set by men. What about conditions I agree to? What about money and debts? I am indebted to NO ONE.. I am free and myself, I bear no fault, if I am hired to do a job, if I am given a gift with conditions, I am entrusted with a certain responsibility; but I am not the one doing the trrusting, it is not my fault if that trust is misplaced. They say that they saw something in me that made me trustworthy, they say that they have these expectations of me, I say, “well if you trust me, then I guess you trust me; but that doesn’t mean that I do not have a mind of my own, it doesn’t mean I can’t fail, in the end, who doesn’t.” And people should no this about life and the world, if they are not used to being disappointed, I am not responsible for their negative emotions. You are the one that keeps putting me in a box, keep trying to categorize me, they judge me, as trustworthy, as same minded, as alike to them. You should not have made that judgement, you should not have put me in a box; if I fail, then I guess you should not have trusted me. As long as you keep trying to categorize things in life, as long as you keep thinking that you know something, as long as you keep trusting corruptible things, as long as you keep putting your faith in men, you will end up disappointed. I will be considerate of your well being, as much as I am about my own, I will try my best, but if in the end, the scale tips over, and its just not worth it, dont expect me to die for an earthly promise, such sacred tie is only an illusion in this world. I have my own laws, you can be sure that I will be considerate to that extent. I have my own God, which is the most high God, you can be sure that I will follow only Him.
This gives me freedom, and allows me to not be afraid to break the rules, to not live by other’s laws, to not be afraid or concerned about little things that people consider a big deal. To each his own... I want to be free, I feel so much burden on me because I am trying to keep everything straight, because I am trying to make ssur that I meet everyone’s expectations, to not disappoint, to not make them feel bad, but I only follow God. The only reason why I would give myself up to others like this is because, I want something from them. When I make an agreement to conditions, it is because I need something that only they can give me, and so I bind myself to them because I feel like I need them, but I just need to realize that I dont need anything, or anyone. I could die right now and it wouldnt matter. They could kill me, I could go to hell, and that will be that, but I do not want to give myself up to others, not to any man. My only need, my only love, is my God.I need nothing from anyone else, there is no reason why I should be living under anybody elses laws.
So thinking about this, the reason why I ever feel bad is because I keep trying to box life, because I keep trying to make my world inside it, because I want certain things to have a specific outcome. I need to wake up and realize that Life is way more wonderful then anything I can picture.
And so now I feel like nothing I do is wrong, and I should think the same of other’s actions, and not be so uptight.
I put myself in awkward situations, I like the feeling, yes... (now I am so used to it that I dont even feel awkward annymoer, seriously, there is nothing to worry about... I just dont)
I think what this does is that it doesn’t get you to an ascended state of perfection, where all your beliefs about the world are matching, but it takes away the fear ofacting by them, because you are what you are, you do what you believe is best, and no one elses beliefs affect yours, because you enter into contract with no one else. Even though externally you do, with this you recognize that in reality you always have control.
Just like my mantra “everythings is alright” (and all these people [you included] are overeacting), it says that all of our beliefs about the world are malchosen, so it doesnt matter what oe thins is good or bad, or better or worst, or honorable or dishonorable. This is what we agree on, nothing, and is somehting we can all agree on. And it doesnt matter what anyonee thinks is going on, worst shit happens all the time, worst inevitable shit that no one knows how to control, who is taking care of the millions of people that die everyday? People like to blame people, but while they are busy trying to keep track who to trust and who to gossip, there is this unknown force making horrible record breaking havoc.
Now being in my house,figuring these things out over the break, makes it hard for me to initiate them because home is usually the exception for expressing myself... the may be my playground, but with my family, I am not in the world... thats because they are so judgemental (it shouldnt matter), its because I have been hiding from them as a project (and the project is over, you WON)... its because I dont see they expect me to sit and stay (they so wont understand), its because my family is not part of the world (oh but they are, and you still belong to no one, not even your family, isnt that what your always trying to prove? Well treat them like the rest of the earth then..)
I think that to think about, to figure out what you believe all you need to do is describe somehting, give it a name compare it, describe it describe it, in another way with different tools, in different aspects, then it will come out. Your new reaction to it, will depend on its description, onn everything you have said, and everything you have forgotten.
A girl, a memeber of the opposite sex, how are they different? What is it about them? what are they? They are beautiful, they are the same as a member of the human species. They can not be much different than men, they are basically the same, when I see a girl I see a human being just like all others, like when I see a baby, I judge it not, it is nothing but a contemplative unit, a living being, with potential to accomplish its purpose. But they are the same as all others, they are the same as me, they have the same body, the same structure, the same emotions, no reason why I shouldnt understand them, they are human beings. The reason why they act so different is because of the media influences, many people go by them and become concerned and call something “unnatural” when it doesnt match its description (just any idea of “how its suppose to be”), if its not how its suppose to be, then there is something wrong with it. If a girl is sexual, there is something worng with her, if an old guy is a pedophile then he is demented, if a person is attracted to the same sex, he has a disease. Just because something is the majority it doesnt mean that thats the way its suppose to be. It may mean that its worst, because thats what is easier to succumb to. But many people are influenced by it, they think that there is a “natural” way that human beings are suppose to be and act, and so they reject the idea that we are all different, and that different is the way we are suppose to be. Legitimate, authentic, without lies, without trying to match with what is considered “better”. Because you are the better, whatever is inside you, is the best. When I see a girl, thats what I want to see, a human being, just like me. I think the reason why I treat girls different than guys is because Im not allowed to kiss guys, and Im not allowed to have certain emotions towards them, so I tend to leave them on their own (hm, poor guys, they probably think I have a problem with them).
So there are emotions, and meanings, that all men are sensitive to. Some of them feel like cameras, and so you say... well how did people in the past feel this, if there was no camera’s back then? There is no way they could have known what we know now. But the truth is that we only associate that feeling with cameras because something or someone else has already given us that association. The meanings are universal, to all humans ever lived, the symbols used to describe them are typically obtained from whats at hand. So when I got the gilmore girls world, I was using the term “gilmore girls” to describe it, but before I constructed that symbol I described it as someone watching me from somewhere that I couldnt look into, and they were not laughing but always expecting to do something funny so that they could laugh, but before that I describe it as “stale peanutbutter walls with a little punk, and an auratic pinch of green, so that its only there spiritually.” Now this feeling has nothing to do with gilmore girls, I am only stating the things that have made me feel this way before, the symbols that I have associated with this meaning. So does this mean that all of our points of view between each human being are different and there is no way to connect with others? No with the innovation of language we can communicate certain things, there are ways to transfer meaning, and reactions to check if a desired meaning was transferred. Thats why there is music and jokes and movies, stories to attempt to convey a certain emotion, but to do this, you have to make sure that each element symbol you use carries the same meaning between the two parties (it is not so hard to do as it sounds, human beings have ways to sympathize with their kind through ways that are automatic and therefore usually unrecognized; sunconscious messages sent subconsciously, they know we are upset, though we have said nothing and they have heard nothing, and seen nothing, but the just know, not just facial shapes but movement, body discharges its inner meaning automatically, we cannot hide anything, but most of us are blind to these things, and these properties of the human body’s way that say everything are usually ignored because of how the subject lies about them. or the disassociation that is made when the subject is brought up.
When someone gets angry, it is because they think something is wrong, it is not my job to agree and tell them that something is wrong (by me getting angry back at them), or maybe I think its wrong that they are angry, so thats why I get angry. So I think its wrong to be angry at someone who doesnt know whats wrong so I do it back (so that they catch my drift and I prove my point) but they dont because they are already concerned about something else. Okay, so instead of getting angry, because I think that something is wrong... I can figure out if something really is wrong, by not reacting, and by asking questions, then if there is really something I dont like, I can communicate it with words. But usually there is urgence when someone else is angry so that your point will have to wait, so instead of getting angry back and making a mess, by exposing another thing that may be wrong, you take one step at a time, and you ask, “is something wrong?”
Fear: something is wrong and it may become permanent (therefore: presence of anticipation)
Anger: something is wrong and I must get rid of it (therefore there is a presence of force)
Sadness: something is wrong and there is nothing I can do about it (therefore feeling of despair)
Ok so for the last couple of days I have been reading “how to communicate” again, and it doesnt have the same effect on me it had before because now I question what I am reading with the things I have figured out haha!! No brainwash for me.
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