December 2, 2009

Meanwhile, accept that there are bound to be those who will be unsatisfied, bothered by your existence. but you exist, and everything that is true about you, and by not exooressing yourself legitimately, you are dissappointing those who want you to exist, who want whatever is true of you, especially God.

Paragraph five of emerson, nonchalance of boys...

People dont say this.... “you are doing somehting that same, you need to do it differently”  people dont say it because to them it is, “you need to do it differently (for me)”

I guess I could say plainly that I value truth over anything else... so that honesty turns me on.

“Their works are done as an apology of their living in the world”

When a person apologizes, I think of what it means, that they regret existing in a form that may offend me, but it offends me that they are not existing.  When someone apologizes, I ask them, “why do you apologize so much?”  And I wonder, why would their action offend me, unless I was uptight max.  They think I cant handle their existence? Why do I apologize sometimes, because I give something to someone that I myself wouldnt be able to handle? Only when I am honestly sorry... most of the time it is just conditioned in me.

It is not the duty of them to apoligize, it is my duty to understand them, to understand their existence.  I cant blame them for teaching me something, for telling me of my weaknesses.

The reason why I procrastinate: so I asked for an extension on the emerson paper, and I soon as I hit “send” I went to the bathroom, as soon as I got out of the bathroom I began to think the same thoughts that had been haunting me all this time, making it highly uncomfortable for me to begin my homework, and now I am uncomfortable of what I did in my dorm hall.  Anyways so the reason why I procrastinate, I thought it was because I didnt think it would help me in real life, but really it is because I am simply not interested, but because I am only interested (at the moment) in things that may help me improve in this area, then I am not doing it because I dont think it will help me insuch thing that I am interested in right now.  So now that I have an extension I startto think again about these things that make me feel ashamed, afraid to show my face in the crowd.

There are many thoughts out there and worlds out there that would make me feel better.  I keep thinking about these other ones.  Thinking about them is all I have to do, to think about them is to learn, instead of reading a lifting poem, instead of reading the words of the prophets, I can pray to God, an He can tell me what I need to hear to move forward.  The problem I have is that since it all comes from my perspective I still manage to feel insecure about the sense I make, I need someone elses approval.  The word of God is the amazing truths of life, that lead one to the Amazing Truth of Life.  The things that people say here, how they deny the existence of life, how they encourage inexperience and therefore death; these are the closed minded lies of the enemy, that makes the OCD remained so concerned about his toothbrush, his world is where his focus is, and he sees nothing else, no other aspects in life. 

Question: where is your concern? Should you really be concerned about this as much as you are? Dont you think there are more important things to be concerned about?

I need someone elses approval?  You have God’s approval, but it seems like God would betray me, how my thoughts and justifications ditch me in the time of need, it is because I havent learned, myself, my own message about life.  Do I still have a right to proclaim what I’ve eavesdropped into?  I should if I want to become a member.  How else would one develop their sense of proclamation if they never begin?  But what about when I am lost, and I realize that I am not a member?  You are not a member because you become lost, but you become llost because you do not understand, and when you do not understand it means that you are not a member.  And so this looks like another reason why I am ashamed, because I am stuck in between the words of the Unknown and the reprimands of the worthless dead.  Because the words of the blind overpower me, the blur my sight, and so I am afraid, but if I am afraid it means that I havent learned, and so I am ashamed.  But the beauty of life that I must remember is that I shouldnt be afraid even when I am blind myself.  It is fear and shame that makes me blind, when my thoughts ditch me, I need to learn that the way things change before my eyes, doesnt necessarily mean I am becoming blind.

But there is something about having someone elses approval, it means that you dont have full responsibility of your actions, if you can find someone that approves of what you do you feel as if they are responsible for your actions, like if you are doing what you are doing for their cause.  These are a blessing but they should not be a necessity.  Even if God betrays you, you still have the duty to proclaim His Existence, He is God, He can do whatever He feels like and you do as He says.

The fact that everyone else has the same value as I, everything that applies to me, applies to others, and everything that applies to me towards others, applies to others towards me.

Rule: If they are against you, they are not with you/if you are against them, you are not with them.  But if you are not against them you are with them, even though you can be with them while they are against you.  This isn’t bad for you and good for them, this is vice versa, whoever is against anyone is the failure, they represent disconnection, rejection of understand and life, death.  Whoever is with all accepts all, and is open to understand all.  Those that are dead will try to kill others, by telling them that it is wrong to accept certain people, those that reject will encourage rejection, you may accept them, but you must not fall into their pattern of ignorance.  Those that reject will reject you unless you reject others, you must not reject them, or others.

Why I kept rejecting them, because they rejected me, I think I could teach them by rejecting them back, by making them feel ashamed.  Because making others feel ashamed and rejecting certain things seemed righteous and necessary, my duty was a blur. 

I am a reflection of everything I have come to accept, thats why sometimes I portray parts of me, though I am not necessarily those things.  I understand that to understand someone or something, I dont necessarily have to become it.  But because I accept them I encourage others to do the same by portraying them as part of me and encouraging them to accept me.  I am speaking up for those things, that I have come to accept, through myself.  But this is my sin, that instead of encouraging others  to accept these characteristics, I am trying to make them feel ashamed of rejecting them, but this is the result of me thinking that they are doing wrong (by my own justification and measure), of  me rejecting them first.  The truth is that we dont know the justification or size of any sin, we have no right to judge, our rulers are not fit to judge how wrong something is, the breaking of one commandment is the breaking of all, because failing to love your neighbor as yourself, is as wrong as failing to love your neighbor as yourself.  The breaking of one commandment means the breaking of all, because in each case we have betrayed Life itself, we have lost sense of what Life is, we have dressed ourselves with pride by robbing God of His responsibility of True Judgement.  We know not anything; therefore, we have no right to judge, we just dont have any measure to judge with.  God Knows the heart of each person, God Knows the mind and its intentions, God Knows the fact behind every interpretation, and all things that we have not yet named, God Knows these, and judges by them.  Let Him do the judging, we have no right to even raise our voices, but to forever search the Knowledge of God, to seek to understand the heart of each person, to seek to understand the mind and its intentions, to seek to understand the fact behind every interpretation, and all things that human beings have yet not named, before we can judge by God’s Just Measure.  When we judge others by our measure, we have fallen into the same sin that tripped Lucifer, we believe that we have the same authority as God.

What about the prophet’s proclamation and condemnation?

And what worth is judgement from men, for no matter what man does, the Truth remains True, and no matter what man tells you, a Sin towards God is still the Only Sin.

I notice something, my armpits started smelling, and right before I began to feel insecure, my mind had already blocked it with the idea that I was representing those that have no money for deordorant, or those that care not about deordorant, and I was not insecure anymore, but if its because I dont feel alone, then I am dependent, it may be because I know I have a right, what if I was alone?  Although I have done this automatically, I feel that I may still be concerned about satisfying human standards, and that I am judging myself by human standards.

Poeple are standing here, I think of how I have been judging them, but when I accept them, I dont become angry at their actions, their actions just become, kind of unreasonable, kind of funny, and so it is me laughing at their actions now, instead of the Gilmore Girls attitude that I was in.  But there is still something wrong with this, when I laugh am I not rejecting them?  I dont understand yet...  It is better to laugh than to get angry, but beware of the type of laughing that is in those who mock and dismiss the situation as foolish so that they dont seek to understand.  The goal here is that when you see something as unreasonable to understand on what grounds it becomes reasonable, without closing your mind to anything else to focus on it.  And if do not have the visible opportunity to understand how it is reasonable, at least understand that there are grounds in which it is reasonable, the proof for this is that it is able to be manifested.

So do not judge, either by getting angry or by mocking, orscoffing; all of these are characteristics of ignorance.

And so now it feels like I have no need to speak up for those that I accept because I am not judging those that have trouble accepting them, I am not concerned about what they accept or not.  SO now I am just bored.  Well actually I feel kind of cautious, I wonder if I really am, I feel like I am trying not to bother anybody, I still feel like if I need the essence or possibility of others with my same wish to be able to manifest my wish, I need others the approval of others, I am still controlled by what others think and I need others as an engine for my movement.  I will not be able to escape if I am always depending on others plotting the ground ahead of  me or with me.  Maybe the only approval I am searching for is for myself.

Yea, I am concerned about being considerate, specially now since I am accepting people who have unreasonable rejections, I try to be considerate towards those who dont want me to exist... this is rather bullshit.

So it feels like I must have some sense of others being unreasonable, in order to act against their desires... is this true? Do I have to judge others in order to be free?  Is this a  will to power?  If it is necessary for me to act according to their desires when I am not judging them, why am I not paralyzed, I should be myself a paradox, if I want to satisfy all possible desires of all.I should understand, but that does not mean I must comply, how does this work in terms of being considerate?

What if I only laid out symbols, a dot, so that each person will interpret what they wish from it?  What they wish in a satisfaction sense? Or what they wish in a judgmental sense?

So does this mean I am not allowed to express myself if I am not being considerate.  No, it does not mean this, it means you must become a paradox, or a blank symbol.

What if the blank symbol is a mirror to their character, then even yet, I wont satisfy all.  So its either a paradox, or a mirror.

In a sense we are all already mirrors, reflecting towards others different parts of themselves.

When someone talks shit about us, we either talk shit about them, or we try to reconciliate ourselves. What does this depend on?

I think that I feel the rejection of others, depending on those directions which I use to reject others, so as long as I reject others, there is a sense in which I will feel my actions’s rejection.  So if I know no rejection, only then I will not feel rejected; if I know no sadness, only then will not be concerned about the sadness of my actions.

This one chick’s case, I think she is a really open person, open to accept thing, she is easy to communicate with, I dont have to be afraid to approach her.  But really she has her rejections and stuff, but she hasnt rejected my approach.  The reason why I approached he was because I trusted not the judgements of others towards her.

My face, if I have a face like something is  bothering me, others will wonder and consider that maybe it is them, and so they will either return it, or try to reconciliate themselves. Or disregard, or figure it out.

I have this, the reason why it is hard for me to be considerate of others, and to be concerned about those who approve of my behavior is because if I wasnt, I would literally jack-off in class.

Another thing that I thought about is that, maybe it is better not to be concerned about myself, but concerned about other’s needs, something like love.  Maybe love is the goal, instead of self expression, because by love, the direction of consideration will be shaped by an external magnet.  Instead of strategizing the directions in which where to send out your existence, you can just pay attention to the magnet.

But what I dont get, is that love involves taking into consideration the peeves of others, will there ever be space for risk? How should I be encouraged to express my own interests, to present something new?  You should only present something new, if they want it.  But if they declare that they want something new, it wont be new anymore, like agreeing for a surprise party.

If I am only allowed to show the love that they expect, what will happen to the excitement?

So I must have some sort of sense in which direction to take a risk, depending on my own interest.  Also it is possible and a skill, that I see more than the physical actions that the manifestation of others allow me to do, but this has nothing to do with taking a risk, this is only knowing, and a skill of paying attention to certain intrinsic things.  If it is true that I can only know this so much, then there is always a possibility of risk; in fact, there is always a possibility of risk, so what does this say about doing anything, if all we know is nothing, and all we do is a risk, ignorantly taken.

I  think the reason why I need a sense of virtual approval from another human beeing, is because, if I cant imagine a sense of identity for myself, I cant really play the part... or so I think.

There is a rule, if you stay within the boundaries, you will not make a mistake.  So when will there ever be a time of new creation?  There was a time when none of this ever was, none this setting your boundaries beneath what others do.  In the beggining there wasnt any of this, it all came to be only by the essence of stepping outside the initial boundary, if we never step outside the boundaries, nothing new will ever be again.

Those who love you will open the doors towards you, they are the ones who will forgive you.  And those that will try to reconcile themselves if they feel that they have harmed you ignorantly.  But I dont want to depend on the love of others to dictate my actions.  Another reason for this is because then I will never take the risk of existing in large scales because of fear of being rejected by someone that doesnt love me.  Unless I am doing my existing for someone who’s my interest for them surpasses my interest for those who wish for me not to exist.  And even then, I would only do a certain amount of existing, depending on that person’s scale; unless I am existing for God, for love itself.  This is my goal, for my actions to be magnetized by my love towards those who want me to exist for them, but my actions magnetized by my love towards God must surpass others, and shall not be limited.  In this state, as long as I am living for God, I am doing well.

I feel that with all of these are reasons to ignore my consideration for people, but only consider them through God, Existence.  My own interests have no value, just as everyone elses; my actions are to serve only those who I love, and I love God.  Seems about right...  but isnt this what I have been trying to find the meaning of all along?  To love God means to encourage existence, to live out looud while being considerate of others in their own search for life.  So how do I do this?

There are those that want me to die, and there are those who want me to live, who shall I satisfy?  There are those who want me to go, and there are those who want me to stop, who shall I satisfy?  Do I live or die by going? Do I live or die by stopping?  You kill others by going... I dont kill them they kill themselves... it is my responsibility to know that I shouldnt die for the sake of those that want me dead; and so it is each individual’s responsibility to know that they shouldnt die for my sake, since the symbols I give may be misinterpreted.  So, again, no matter what, dont be threatened, all you can do is to encourage others to not be threatened.

And so I love you all, I love you enough, to risk making you uncomfortable, for the chance of showing you, showing you more than you know, showing you something that may disgust you, to surprise, I risk your acceptance of me, to show you all these things of life, out of love I want to show you what I have seen, I want to show you God.  And so I must express my existence to that fullest, taking risks in these directions with such measures.

I have to pay attention though, I have to be crafty as I do this (I feel this is a “scientific” conclusion), to be careful to not give you a chance or a motivation or allow you to look away, until I have given you my gift.

But last time I heard, or the last thought I had, was that there are these people who dont want me to exist.. but I must be crafty... will I really repel them by existing? Probably, so should I care?  Do I have love for them? or are they a lost hope?  I cant be careful about them because if I am then I will never get to show the ones I love what I want, I will never take the risk.  I think what I am still concerned about is them thinking that their deeds are ok, by saying with my actions that they did not hurt me.  So I am judging, still.  The reason why I dont want to make it seem like their deeds are ok, is because I want them to see that there is something I want them to see.

METHOD:::  Imagine myself as a third person, see an ideal version of myself reacting, how does this person react?  Understand that person, become that person.... imagine yourself in the eyes of others, with the estimated judgement of the eyes that see you... I think this is what makes one more considerate and less selfish, when they consider the eyes of the others.

So my question again, how do I make my subconsccious answer something for me, by me not being concerned about it... if I am not concerned about it, doesnt this mean that I will not see it when it comes?
So I think the answer to this has to do with lifestyle, I shouldnt be focused on the problem so that I dont close my mind like I am doing now... so I shouldnt be concerned about it.  But it has to be demanded by my lifestyle, I  have to change my state of mind so that I am continuously and indefinitely, looking for the answer to this.  I have to change my lifestyle so that every action I do requests this subject... METHOD::: manifest it in your being, let go of the concern, let the answer come...

GOAL!!!::: ok so I just found out that my goal is (oh this is exciting I wanna pee) to life, in myself and in others... or more specifically put I want others to open up as I, so that each and everyone practices full expression...

METHOD::: communicate acceptance (things that you like about them) [also you have to think about why some things you cannot address or else you will scare them away. Ex. Nice ass!!]  establish a connection... similarities, fond, etc. give them examples of things you accept, (and things you would like to accept from them)

Go over how to use, others affection to make them feel like they need to reconciliate themselves: when they see a need in you which they would like to attend to..

There was once an obnoxious little boy, who had everything at his disposal to make himself an ice-cream.  He had cones, he had a scoop, he had ice-cream, he had arms and hands, he had a working brain, he had many opportunities.  But he didnt believe in himself, he was so traumatized at all the times he failed to make it right, that he didnt want to try again, ever.  But the only way to ever have a chance of moving forward was to try again, use his hands.  But he didnt want to, and so he cried forever, without hope.

The reason why I am so hopeless is because I have been told enough times to stop taking risks, and so I am literally paralyzed in my bed, as I said. I cant do anything, except for the things I feel safe doing, and my safety zone is gradually shrinking.  I cant live without taking risks.  but I keep forgetting that the words..