I was feeling okay today, even though my group from philosophy class wanted me out of the group cuz I hadnt done anything. Like if I never took six bullets for my whole group. Anyways, I was completely okay with it, until the professor “talked” to me about it, he told me that I had to do it on my own now, and that from the other two group assignments, he was going to drop my highest grade. I had an excuse, but I didnt think of it at the time, I was as responsible as everybody else in there was, there were only two meetings, the one where I was the only one to show up, and the one where everybody showed up except me, the one where the drafts were assigned, I missed that one meeting, I tried to make contact with them, they told me whatever, not to worry... and now the prof just thinks I’m irresponsible. I didnt mind them doing that, but the prof giving penalties for not “getting the ball along” in the group makes me think that he thinks its my fault. And thats what I had a problem with it.
I wrestled with that idea, I was sad, I didnt want to fix the problem though (I could have just told him what was on my mind, and let him decide on those terms), I wanted to change myself. With every problem I have, there is an opportunity for me to love, and with these opportunities, I have opportunities to analyze how I begin to love. But I felt bad after class, druing and after my next... what was I suppose to realize? In what way was I suppose to think about this case?
So there was the feeling again, sadness, the intruder now seems like a stranger, I dont want to do anything else until I let it out. I thought about, I was trying to tell myself that I should be thankful for my blessings instead... (didnt work)... I tried to tell myself to get over it because they just dont understand, they didnt mean it, its just the way they grew up that makes them act like that, they just dont understand... my negative emotion was flooding over to my groupmates, instead of the situation that caused it in the first place, and I noticed, so I focused again on the problem, the problem is the prof knowing the truth... I just think that decisions should be made based on the facts we know, and if I know something and I keep it to myself, I am doing wrong. So I was concerned that I was holding in vital information about a decision, so my problem is that I cant stand keeping secrets? Unfairness? People being too afraid to speak for the life of another? I was trying not to be concerned about this, then I thought of a case where I thought it was okay to conceal the truth... when it was funny. But this was preposturous, if I thought it okay to conceal truth only when its funny, but who am I to decide when something is funny or not? If this was the answer, then my judgement is ridiculous... I kept thinking. About 5 minutes before work I was taking a piss and I was thinking about, pursuing what I want, I should never want somehting like this, what was my problem? Why do I have this desire? If I shouldnt have deisres then why was I in college? How would I lead my life? Shouldnt I want life over death?? Well, I should want life over death, but I shouldnt feel bad if I dont get to live... I mean just imagine if you were never born. And this I found the answer.
Its okay to want things, and you should pursue whats best for you, but you shouldnt feel bad if you dont get it. Because everything is a gift from God, he could have given you nothing at all, and you would get no answer, but he gave you life, and a chance to appreciate all these things you do. And yes, you should want whats best, you should keep wanting more and more life, but do not forget that what you have now, is given, and thus you should not demand a thing from the Giver. You should think that you SHOULD have something, you should not think that you have rights to certain things, your rights are what is given to you, for the length of time that is given. Remember this and continuously thank the Lord for your blessings. Want life, but realize that He could always just had left you non-existant, rejoice of the abundance, and of the lack... there is no such thing. (Hud 11:9)
Oh and by the way, the music girl from september 10, 2009 lives in my suite.
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