I listening to Tsunami Bomb’s “Epic”.. and wondering why I always felt alone, when I know understand exactly what she is talking about, but I didnt think anybody thought the same, or at a large scale. When everyword makes sense, then you know that you understand the message. Why have I always felt alone in this idea?
if u thnk ur alone, listen: u'll hear sum1 tht thnks da same foolish thing; if u dnt hear any1, its becuz ur not speaking up either..
its suppose to explain why people feel like nobody understands them.
So Im checking out this girl in my class, and I guess Im just horny right now, because I think she is hot enough to be a porn star and I cant stop looking at her, and I just wish I could “express” it. Now this expression is what I am paying attention to; because when I fantasize, and when I actually negotiate to decide what course of action I would take to satisfy this “desire”. I wish I could throw her a note tat said, “you are hot enough to be a pornstar,” and that she would take the COMPLIMENT (and I do mean it as a compliment, I dont feel like it is anything that she needs to change about herself but I just want to tell her that she is awesome the way she is, but I am also concerned about telling her this because she may not take it as a compliment), oh how perfect my world would be if I tossed her that note and saw a smile on her face as she read it, I would feel so complete. So now I am thinking of alternative ways to tell her how hot she is, without “offending her.” Well maybe I could develop a relationship with her, to get her trust and explain to her that I really do not mean to offend her when I tell her this. So I would have to let her get to know how vulgar I am, that I do honestly think that this comment should be a compliment. So then I think... “so I want to develop a relationship with her, and let us get to know each other, for the simple purpose of telling her that she is hot enough to be a pornstar, comfortably? Is this my soul purpose to having relationships with people? I mean, I have admitted before, indeed, that when I want to go out with a girl I just basically want to tell her, to reassure her that she is beautiful, (because there is so much low self-esteem issues these days with people thinking that they are too fat or not good enough for any member of the opposite sex to look at them), and that she is beautiful enough for me to spend time with her, and beautiful enough to make me want to stick my toungue inside her mouth... I mean, how much more beautiful can you get? So me getting into relationships with girls is just to convey this fact. “ And then I think of the courses of action I would resort to in place of something as simple as telling her and having her believe honestly and say “thank you”, how could I make the understanding of this message happen? I would stare at her, and let her catch me a little, I would probably talk to her, I would probably ask for her number (to tell her that she is pretty enough to make me ask for her number, at least), I would ask her to be my girlfriend... if I cant still use words I would probably do whats more comfortable and grope her (with consent of course), since I am trying to convey a message.. not just get what I want, but I want it because I want to express to someone (other than her?) that i want it (but this is another subject). I would have sex with her? Now I wouldnt do any of this to keep what I have left of my virginity, but I fantasize this as a means to communicate something to her; and as to the case of raping her... depending in which directions my “will” fights my “desire”, I am tryiing to communicate something to society, or to myself in relation to society, or to my friends, etc.
All I want to do, with all my actions, is express a truth; my actions are the way that I let messages out, if I could find a way to convey a message successfully, to reassure this girl that I think she is superhot!, (btw class is over and I am sitting in the classroom alone typing this), I would be satisfied with that
There are people that say: even if you tell her, what if she says “okay, so you say you want to stick your tongue inside me, but I want you to actually do it.” This does not mean that it is not enough to convey the message only, (but that the desire to take part in the action is still there)... I think of how I sometimes when I know that someone thinks I am hot, I lose concern for them, or like I just want to know if someone WOULD do some dirty stuff with me, and that knowing is enough for me to forget the matter... which is the reason why I watch demented pornography because I just want to make sure that there are girls out there who think the same way I do. So when someone wants to “actually do something” is because the message has not been conveyed...
And this leads to a more comprehensive revelation, that everything we do, is to express a message, to reassure the world that something exists when they think we think they think they dont. Every desire could be explained in terms of this somehow. In a way, the our actions and desires, are to prove something to society, in this way our desires and desire for certain actions are dictated by society. Learn this, open your eyes and remove yourself from necessity, Allah awaits.
Ipicked my nose while lying down, after dreaming of donig dirty things with one of my ex’s... I felt the blood run down the inside of my nose, and I thoughtof how I am allowing it to drip down that way, and how it is liquid, and it doesnt bother me. So I think, if it was water it would bother me, why? Because it is a different substance? Because it is a different temperature? If it was anything, it wouldnt bother me if I accepted it. If I had Love, it wouldnt bother me if it was toxic acid. And so I thought about what would a world be like.. and so I remembered asking myself once, if we are not suppose to scratch off our scabs, why do they itch? If we are not suppose to pick at them, why do I have this urge to pick at them? I thouhght of these questions because I thought about why I picked my nose. Now I know that the itches and the urges to pick off things that are not completely attached, are urges, and therefore should not be listened to. As I said before, urges, fears, desires, are all unnatural; this urge to pick off things that are not completely detached probably comes from an unnatural conditioning from the value that our society puts in “shaving off loose particles,” we do that while we clean things, while we vacuum, anything if it has anything loose, anything that if we do not know when it may fall off or detach, then it is not perfect. Animals have a “natural tendency for these things, why do you think that cats pounce after butterflies? Its because they have an urge to “clean things up” from their field of vision; animals never decide to ignore their urges, they do not free themselves from sin and idolatry and so they never learn Truth; their circumstance leads them into scratching themselves to death (they have linked sensations with unrelated courses of action), rats fall into mousetraps, since their craving is more overwhelming than the warning of death. Their subconscious, which knows better than the conscious, is not making the decisions here. Unless the give up hope and decide that they will not listen to their urges, but then after they are saved, they go back to their usual lifestyle. And that, my son, is why we scratch the itch; so forget that little fairy tale that your mother told you.
Then I thought about how picking my nose lead me to think about all of this. My subconscious probably knew that it would lead to this, me allowing it, me thinking about it, the thought of it leading to another, and so on and so on... and it makes me think, “well why cant you just tell me everything, dear subconscious?” and then I get the thought of something else happening, a situation that do not focus on or think about it, but instead, I get angry at it, I do not listen. The reason why my subconscious doesnt tell me, is because I end up not listening, because we think that what it says is wrong. People do this all the time, when you think that someone is doing wrong, and you express it so that they know, they stop doing it, at least around you... when someone tells you something that you do not want to believe, you refute it, or tend to ignore it. Who knows how much I am ignoring at the moment, how much I am lying to myself.
It sounds easy doesnt it...
all we have to do is talk,
something so simple...
but in our minds it becomes the hardest battle of all
to reveal our sin, it can cost our lives, what we hold on to
even the hardest criminals and trained soldiers are weak in this sense
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10:34 PM
Mental Patient:
its a philosophical fight within the battle for the meaning of Life...
the enemy holds us down,
we hide the truth
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10:36 PM
Mental Patient:
the proud: their smirks are gone, the tough: their eyes get teary when they realize
that they have not taken over the world
when they realize that they are not in control of their lives as they thought
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10:37 PM
Dαìsγ:
im blank..(:
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10:37 PM
Mental Patient:
its okay, I jsut need somewhere to type
dont want to open a word document takes too long
and my thoughts fade with time
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10:38 PM
Dαìsγ:
yes ur writing is realy nice to read(;
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10:38 PM
Mental Patient:
thnx ur sweet..
do you understand?
the prophet declares our need to confess...
with confession comes freedom
but we are all afraid of the ghost, the lie that clouds our minds making for us a false reality
overwhelming
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10:40 PM
Dαìsγ:
u should be a poet or a writer
ur words get attention
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10:41 PM
Mental Patient:
a beacon he says to be
it takes letting go of life to lay it on the line
it takes risking it all
his invitation, is inspiring
but his fear brings may bring his demise
Daisy:its a response to this song
"Jack and Ginger" by from autumn to ashes
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10:46 PM
Mental Patient:
he works against his will, strength against his fear, more daring than those who risk their earthly lives, as daring as those who risk earthly eternal life...
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10:47 PM
Mental Patient:
ok done!
how are you?
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10:47 PM
Dαìsγ:
ohh i sha'll listen to this ginger song u say
“The end to lies must come... this is the end to lies.” He says as he strives for greatness. You feel the pain he bears, as he gets ready to confess; this pain, it is not physical, it is not obvious, so people deny its value. The pain he bears comes from him ripping open his mental self to pour out something that exists in all of us, but has never been seen outside, exposed. Its painful, but the reason why the rose decides to go through the painful process of blooming is because there comes a time when staying closed is more painful than opening up, the idea of death can be too painful for living beings. And to avoid it, he lives.. he lives so forcefully that it seems like insanity. Once a living being has been truly inspired by the Verb, he cannot hold still; once one realizes what its like to be alive, he will not resort to death, in any form.
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