This Monday, Intervarsity staff told me in large group that to love, I must realize how much I am loved. This made senses in a way. The symbol of my freedom should be life itself, to realize that I am allowed to do anything in this life, that I am loved by it in this sense.
So Im trying to figure out how to love. I think Ive written about what this means but in case I didnt I will put it in other words. To love is to be okay with anything that comes up in my life. I theorize that the reason why I am not walking through walls and seeing the future is because I would be afraid of these things, to find out that I cannot count on the laws of physics. My biggest fear may seem to be from death, but even when people are about to die, they are still concerned about worldly things. This concern is what I am trying to get rid of. But even if I am not concerned about anything right now, there are still things saved up in my subconscious, that when they do come up, its a whole new level of fear which I have not considered. I need to consider these things somehow.
So what happens when I love? I am suppose to accept anything that comes my way. The way I would do this is to place no value on anything in my life, so that I owuld be able to let go of it. This is why I didnt write in my diary when I thought about it, because I was trying to let go of the value I place in it.
(Unwritables): certain types of unwritables mentioned somewhere else: where there are no words? When the writing capacity is lost? When one does not want to write about it. I considered these along time ago when I wondered why I couldnt find anything like what I was thinking (maybe it was just that I didnt want to look, but these are still possible).
But these things have to be real and at the moment, and unconditional. Example: I am not afraid to get kicked out of college... (so I think I have my college covered), but then I know I wouldnt give up college at will. In other words, I would only be okay with giving up college with the condition that I know that I tried my hardest to stay. Example 2: I should not be afraid to get kicked out of college... (so then I try to think of a reason why to love and not reject this possibility), but then I think, because I have faith that God would get me into another college. This example is wrong because I am not accepting just not going to college even though I think I am okay with the possibility of something going wrong, I am not okay with it, because I am only okay with it with the condition that God has a replacement for me.
So how am I suppose to be okay with these things? The only thing I came up with is to pretend that I was about to die and lose everything. When one does this it seems to be like the only thing with value is satisfying “natural” desires, that wouldnt be good because then I would start raping and stuffing myself with sweets. But if I think about even satisfying these is not worth it. And when one realizes this, they become open to everything, every possibility, and every event in their life (that they have deliberately rejected and forgotten), but when they come to accept everything once they realize this about life, that all of this is really not worth anything, when they accept everything. They accept and remember absolutely everything that they have ever experienced; complete acceptance. I bet it would be beautiful to die, to realize that I do not have to hold on to the values of this world anymore, to just let go, to let go of the laws. Something truly supernatural has to happen in order for you to leave your body like this; a transfiguration, it wont happen unless you accept its possibility.
A friend says:
Hey
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
how are you been?
A friend says:
Good
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
are you married yet?
A friend says:
Why would i be married yet
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
you said you were getting married...
A friend says:
Im not
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
engaged?
A friend says:
Nope
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
wat haappened? were you kidding?
A friend says:
No he cheated
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
with who? how do you feel?
A friend says:
Terrible
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
well, I had to break up with my girlfriend because she is retarded, and whitman college doesnt allow me to go out with retarded people...
A friend says:
What?
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
normal people are retarded, this whole thing.. she isnt even tha bad.. she understands things, is just that people treat her retarded..
... evrbdy treats hr lik she s crazy cus she is legally retarded, but she isnt bad, u knw? lik wat if evryone treted u as f u wer crazy
nd da way I c evry1 treat her is lik: stpid, thy treat her lik a jew. they r da retrded 1s 4 thnkn dat she is retardd lik that. jst msndrstd
A friend says:
I Am though
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
u retarded? really? or is it that people keep telling u that u ar, so that they convince u.. ur not crazy, if only different
A friend says:
Im crazy and different because im not afraid to be myself
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
we take pride in that name... but the truth is that we are only outcasts, does not mean that we are less sane than society
A friend says:
Ya
~*XOXOXO*~
your name here says:
no
1234
yes what?
if u honestly just described yourself, then I love u more than you think...
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