February 28, 2010

To bring something into being, is not about creating out of nothing, since one cannot have life on its own, but already has all, all you have to do which is the result of practice, is the perception and isolation of the desired outcome, you see how its possible, how its potential already exists.

Riding skaterboard (I left my music book at the GAC, no music homework tonight I guess), while riding I thought about why I felt no fear if the hw was due tommorrow, because I would plan to look for it and do it quick? Or maybe I would fail and nothing more? I didnt fear, I thought about the plans one has to woo a girl, they fear when they feel that they wont accomplish the goal, but God says, worry not, this is exactly how it is suppose to be, but we think that to accomplish something it must be done a certain way, if all of our actions have goals, what are we trying to accomplish at the end?   I was worried that I wouldnt get the girl, and I failed, but was getting the girl the way to accomplish my goal in life? It seemed so to me, to be the only way, but God says that there are infinite ways.

The goal will be a surprise to us, whatever comes at the end will have been our goal.

We are rejecting a world when it is falling apart, it falls apart because it doesnt go the way we thought it would, we worry about it not because we failed, but because we await a failure, I could have begun to fear when I realized that I was not going to be able to do m homework but I foresaw other options, or maybe not forsaw, but had faith on them at least.  It seems that every goal that we have is a means to a greater goal leading to our greatest goal, if our greatest goal is something corruptible, we will kill ourselves, if our greatest goal is unknown, I might be going somewhere with this.

I dont know if this is just a world or if its actually the Love I am looking for.

There is a difference between Love and laughter, I felt it: laughter is when you are not concerned about the range of outcome of something though the motions imply a certain outcome that does not get accomplished.  (It may be important to look at WHY its of no concern rather than realizing that there is still ranges that you are concerned about.)  Love does not involve surprises that makes us laugh, but Loving all possibilities as much as the other, because of how one gets rid of the expectations that are created by our conditioning to the laws of causality, there is no “implying motions” but every possibility is as expected as the other, and all are Loved fully and equally, unconditionally.  This takes, literally, letting go of our world.  And with Love everything is seen as a miracle, as it truly is.

February 27, 2010

Its not my own little world, its many, I go from one to the next, trying to figure out how to combine them all, in order to accomplish true freedom.  Exclusive desire, its a chain that binds us to one reality, one outcome.  I was sitting in the lounge with a slice of bread, ready to experiment.  I took a bite, paying attention to my exclusive desires, I wanted to chew it, what if I didnt? I chewed, my purpose is to accomplish feeling free to do absolutely anything, so I tested: I licked the bread inside of my mouth putting a piece of it at the tip of my toungue, to spit it out, I got myself ready to go to the trash, but I hesitated, I didnt want to spit out what I had already chewed, I gave it a purpose, I had a desire, a world, a rule on how this world should work, I want to let go.  In my mind, I felt motion, rearrangement, of the things that I considered, I created a fantasy, another world where what I would do was the more perfect outcome, I was now ready to spit it out, but I hesitated, again, not because I wanted to eat it, but because it was easy now, and now I feared eating it, I was following along with a plan again, it was a new rule of how the world should work, and I felt hesitation in not doing it, so I went back to wanting to eat it, it was an easy switch, since part of me wanted to eat it anyways; although I had to conflicting exclusive desires, this is farther from freedom than one alone.  I took another bite, I recognized that it was harder for me to spit out onto my shirt, instead of the trashcan.  But I considered, I felt the rearrangin in my thoughts. In a little more than the blink of an eye, in less than two, my new fantasy was created, and I was now ready to spit it out onto my shirt, but this new fantasy was also exclusive, I still felt the lighter, so soft, hesitation to eat the piece of bread that was still in my mouth.  I had not openned myself up, but merely traveled from one world to another.  Just another exclusive desire.  I thought of going over to my friend’s lounge, I rearranged, considered, but it took longer than two blinks of an eye, it probably took as long as a second, for me to feel safe to go there, the reason it took longer to create this fantasy was because of the amount of consequences that I had to consider for things to fall into place, to be back to normality, to be back at the state of my present moment.  These three things are about the ones that I need to let go of, that there is such thing as consequences, that there is a desired normality, and that I want things to be like they are in the present moment.

In thinking about these changes, I looked at my bag of bread, I felt the desire to take another piece, and so I smashed it twice with a fist, as I desired to pound it a third time I stopped myself holding my fist in the air, feeling its world, how it should work, it still had a fantasy, an exclusive desire to fulfill.  I went from desire to eat it, to desire to pound it to desire to leaving it alone, but all of these were exclusive.  My point is not to get rid of the desire, but to get rid of exclusivity, that which tells my mind that I would do nothing else but what I desire.  I move from one to another, I desire one thing or another, I could desire both things appart from each other, the kind of situations where one gets ripped apart in deliberating; but I want to desire but together, so that whatever comes, I feel no tragedy.

Observation: the “seriousness” that I feel for an outcome determines my closedness, just like when one has reached the last level of a video game, and it is not that difficult, but the fact that it is the last level, just raises the tension.  This is the unnecessary emotion that I am trying to get rid of, I think that this emotion is based on what you have placed value on that make you begin the act in the first place.  This does not mean that you are hopeless unless you destroy everything you have already begun, but you can still be willing to lose it all for nothing.

This one exclusive outcome in our mind has ranges within itself.  The typical person has already a wide range within their desired exclusive outcome, unless they are really picky.  But in fact it is possible to see Love within an exclusive desire, and I could probably use this.

What up foo you online?

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

yea, Im writing diary, experimenting with myself

Q-Bert says:

Experimenting with yourself??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

yea, I need to learn how to Love

Q-Bert says:

What kind of love?

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

a kind of Love that wakes you up, makes you more aware, makes you feel free and fearless...

Q-Bert says:

That kind.... I thought you had that kind of love already??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

lol, no, I only travel from one place to another, its weird, Love is suppose to open you up, but what I do is a just change..

like instead of turning my eyes and head to look at certain directions, I want to feel everything around me, all at the same time,

Q-Bert says:

Yea but only cuz you travel to one place and back doesn't mean its not Love. Theirs love everywhere  everything you have to do is open your eyes and look around

You don't have to travel to other places to feel love or to see it you have it everywhere you go

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

thats what I am trying to do, you may have a point, (though I seriously doubt that you knw wat I am tlking about) U R A GENIUS,

Q-Bert says:

What you confuse me?? I'm i right or i'm i wrong??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

regardless of you knowing wat I am talking about, you gave me a GREAT idea...

Q-Bert says:

Okay.... And What is that idea i gave you??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

the secret to figure out how to love lies within travelling, or allowing the ability to travel, instead of staying in the same place

I can only be at one place at a time, this is the problem. Love means, being all places at a time. now I am trying to at least be in two.

Q-Bert says:

Alright.... You can't be an two places at once only your mind can... You be sittin in your room and your mind being in some other place but you still confuse me

your name here says:

well ur kind of understanding more, but I am talking about my mind, being in two places at the same time, but not exclusively.

Q-Bert says:

So your not talking about your body being in two places your talking about your mind being in two places at ones?? Tell me if i got this right?

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

well its more on the context of desire, not just wanting to things at the same time, or wanting smthng nd its exact opposit, but being open

Q-Bert says:

Oh Alright.... Like open minded right?

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

yes, but that term has other connotations, so I say freedom,

Q-Bert says:

I wasn't talking in a dirty way cuz being open minded means saying Whats in your head right?? And thats not What your talking about right

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

I wastn being dirty either.. not evn thnkng bout that now, but yea, that sense of "open-mindedness" is the connotation I do not want to mean

Q-Bert says:

Connotation explain??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

look at it this way. a person that is starving, does not get to enjoy the chocolate, because they just swallow the whole thing in one bite

Q-Bert says:

So your talking about taking life slowing and enjoying it??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

connotation -  meanings that are stuck to a word, tho they may not be part of the definition, but people use them in such situations

one doesnt have to take it slowly... but yes your on the right topic

but this "enjoying of life" has WAY more benefits than you thinks... lemme tell you, YOUR LIFE CHANGES COMPLETELY!!!

Q-Bert says:

Well yea i kinda know What your talking about but still kinda confuse

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

not only enjoying the chocolate, but everything and anything that comes your way, with Love, you become fearless, more awake, aware, free

practically invincible, what evry human being dreams to be..

Q-Bert says:

Yea i know.... Just like when you in love your going to take that extra step to get that girl right

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

no, when I fall in lov, I am usully afraid of doing anything about it, bcuz I am afraid to fail, to be rejected, and all is bcuz I am in luv

this "love" does not make me fearless, but it does the opposite, it makes me more afraid...

Q-Bert says:

Why would you be Afraid when you in love??

[Killer>:-}

So your talking about love that doesn't scare you to do stuff??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

cus when u hav an exclusive desire means that u r not willing to accept its opposite, I am afraid of its opposite.. it forcs me 2 be careful

I am talking about Love for God, and acceptance of anything that He may throw your way, with willingness and honor, and no hesitation

Q-Bert says:

Explain this exclusive desire??

[Killer>:-}

Oh you should said that in the begining that it was about GOD'S love

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

desire for something, and no room to want other things... or their opposite

Q-Bert says:

Their alot of desires out their What kind you talking about??

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

ALLLLLL!!!

Q-Bert says:

For which text is this one for??     RE: llaveroja27@hotmail.com (your name here)

ALLLLLL!!!

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

this is the hard part, because exclusive desires are fucking EVERYWHERE!!! so I cant pick them out one by one, I gotta have like a magnet

Q-Bert says:

Oh Alright.... I think i get you.... Hey i'm falling asleep here i'll hit you up some other day k

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

magnet would be God's Love, Unconditional, Love like He Loves, Im trying to figure out how..

ok

Q-Bert says:

Goodnight foo

[Killer>:-}

your name here says:

gnite

friend’s discount code..

7983682F

Yea, this friend now does webcam shows... AWESOME!!!

February 25, 2010

Today, a co-worker told me that she didnt want anything to do with me other than work. As I observe these such things in people, I conclude that people are just insecure sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that, it just happens to everybody, even in a jury for a death penalty, the people making judgements are people with sin in their eyes, it is everywhere, there is nothing wrong with me, I am ok.  So Im not afraid of people if I just remember this (I dont think its complete, but lets just say that even if this allows me to not be afraid of people...), I am still not able to Love All, as this rule does not address physical objects and infinite meanings.  So if I could just remember this rule I will not be afraid anymore of people, what if before I figure out how to love at will, I just figure  out reasons to love absolutely everything I see, and then I wont have any space to figure out how to love at will.  So I will need something to be afraid of, so I will either have to forget, or learn how to reject at will.

I think a good experiment would be to look at things that I already love and see why I love them, or try to hate and love things at will and observe the what causes the change.

Besides I am already forgetting the rule...  but still its been a while since I found out that love was the answer, and I still havent figured out how to do it, though I have experienced it over and over again. I am starting to get anxious.

Dream: I had a thing stuck between my teeth that was holding it apart a centimeter.

Methods:

Write love every where

Know that God loves you.

See God in everything that happens,

Take every event as a gift from God with love... yes everything is a wonder.

What if someone sees wrong in me? Something that I also may be ashamed of? Or I dont want to appear dumb in their eyes?

Think of something that you admire... now think that it is shameful... now think about something that you initially think it is shameful... who is the one that should be ashamed, the one that brings things into existence? Or the one wanting existence to fade?

The final moral is, live and let these wonders live on as well: rejection, hatred, death, let them live. These are God’s wonders as well, the Great Creator.

Symbol theory

Subconscious portrayal

Inside meaning

Miracles of God explained are not miracles anymore...

February 24, 2010

Reading thoureau’s “walden”... clothes should be unnecessary, many more than what he proposes, if we would accept all, and be perfect, we would live in eden conditions.  The curse lives on.

February 23, 2010

I was trying to hold myself up with the walls, I pushed my leg against the wall and believed that I could myself up with enough force if I just took off, and thinking about everything that is going on in the physical world, and all the quantum possibilities that bring forth the existence of force and all this, and all the seeming and contradictions it creates that cancels itself out into nothing, I think of how everything that I have thought about is all real and present, the laws of physics that we neglect, they are all here and working within this world.  Like in the double slit experiment, both of the controversial results are real, but the results depend on our attitude, we only see what we want to see, it is present everywhere but we only decide to notice it in these dark and mysterious corners where we have not yet made a decision on what to believe.  Once we settle a truth, the we reduce the mystery to one exclusive knowledge, stripping it of its infinite meaning.  But really, I believe that all these contradicting results are real even within the our little world, although we keep them from appearing once we give it a reason to not exist; we hold them down, but they are still present, as we walk around in the world, we notice bits of the Unknown in little places, those times when the laws of reality in our dreams seem to seep into our waking world.  While we are awake, we feel like we are dreaming as we witness certain spots that we have not yet conquered with sin.  It is because of the presence of these spots that do not yet trigger my mind with fear, these spots in my world, in my perception, and in my mind, that I have hope that one day I will come to understand and that others may have always understood.  That the waking world is much like dreams, except that our sense of fear is more pungent while we are awake, and because of this we reduce the Wonders of this Life to what we see everyday, this fear becomes so restricting to the point that we do not even allow ourselves to remember what we have dreamed.  Who knows the many wonders and truths that were given to us in this time of sleep, that are kept behind the veil of fear, in the realm of the forgotten.

So there, even if it is true that these who I witness now are all saved in truth, it is also true about their stories of salvation, just like mine.  And each one has his own of how they came to be, and it is true of everyone, except for God? Not God since He is all;  Or it must be true well God has his own to just like it is possible all these to be manifestations of God, my neighbor could be God himself, and he would have H/his own salvation story, which would be all, even mine, and so there is a sense in which I am God.  I look at myself in the mirror, and I greet the Great God Himself, I fall in love.

Thinking about my friend, how it was very natural for me to touch her in these places, and how she only thought it was awkward that I didnt think it was awkward,  I didnt think that she would even speak up about it, but she did.  Why did this happen if I  was completely accepting it?  There are things hidden deep within my mind that I have not accepted, though I may feel that I have.  If I can look at these, I will discover truths about the world.  I will be able to know things and control things, allow myself to flow with reality.  If I had accepted this, I would have known before hand what she would say.  Now that I remember, there was a lightest sense of fear; which I guess did not allow me to see, or did not allow me to completely immerse myself in my intended reality.

Absolutely everything is true; but with each declaration of truth, there is a declaration of falsity; unless the declaration contradicts itself.  Have I spoken truth with this?

I felt the angels, I felt their love, their hate, and everything, was Love, everything was Life, and my soul openned up, my world openned up to me, I could see the inside of everything, as my soul openned up to accept this new truth to me.

February 18, 2010

Today, well yesterday, I gave a friend I just met a massage, and then she massaged me and then I couldnt believe it because of all the changes been happening and stuff, idk.  Then I kissed her.  I had invited her to my room and it was very cool.  I typically do not do stuff like this never happens, though I want it to, but now it happened, and its because of what I have been thinking.

So in thinking about acceptance and love, I wonder why certain things never happen and realize that because even if they did happen I wouldnt accept themm because I have no love, the laws I have, the things I think that should not happen in life are all preventing things from being manifested; though life, would naturally bring about them.  So my theory is that absolutely everything is happening every moment and every moment exists everything, I mean absolutely everything that you can imagine happening, is happening, absolutely every moment, absolutely everywhere; but we dont accept them, and forget them we decide that they dont exist.  And so I am trying to love, open myself up to possibilities.  I am throwing away my beliefs of how the world should be, and therefore getting rid of the fears of my laws being broken.

I was thinking one night about multiple personality disorder works, each personality only remembers the memories of their personality.  So I was thinking, if everything that could ever happen is happening this moment, why dont I remember the other things that are happening? Because I dont accept them... well how come I only remember this one world (with its laws), that I am in right now? Why cant I only remember the world and laws of some other place? Why does it have to be this one?  Why does it feel like I am stuck in this universe with earth the sun, the Bible and all these things? You are indeed in other universes as well, but you only remember them when you are on them, so even thought it seems as if you are stuck in this one, when you are in the other universes, to them it seems as if they were stuck on those.

So basically, my world is made up of my beliefs, the reason why anything is anything is because I dont accept anything else.  The reason why it seems that people get angry and dont understand what I am talking about, and how amazing life is and how important love is, is because I have not accepted that they actually do understand it.  It is all in my head, it is like I am in a perfect world, I am already in heaven, but sin is in my mind, so that the world seems corrupted.  So who are these people?  These people I see every day? What are they? Are they real?  Them and there actions are one of the infinite possibilities of the God, these people I see everyday, and I see them the next day, and there actions, they exist because this is the only possibilities of infinity that I accept;  if it happened to be that I saw any more of their infinite reality, I have already forgotten.

So what is the physical world, is it real?  The physical world and everything in it, is obviously real; but there are more real things, more worlds that I do not accept because of my sin. 

I had this idea that when someone dies, they become perfect, because of the inevitable love, or something, anyways so if I became perfect (if I opened up completely and saw the infinite and the infinite worlds and how everybody really) is where would I be? I would be in this world, awakened... but what would happen to all these people that do not seem to be awake like me? Well you would see how they are indeed perfectly awake, but lets say that these people are like you now that do not see the perfect and they would be “stuck” in this world, just like even though you are perfect, you dont realize it because you dont accept it.  anyways the point I am trying to make is that if people had closed minds about the possibility of me becoming perfect, they would only see that I am not or that I have died and in that sense I would leave them behind.  Even though they are all in heaven and perfect, yes we are all in perfection, but our eyes are closed, the kingdom is among us, but we do not see it. nb

February 17, 2010

I am looking at this girl in class, I did not sit close to her, I didnt really think about it but there were conflicting motivations, I wanted to sit closer because she is a girl, then I didnt want to get to close because it may make her uncomfortable.  Now this doesnt happen too consciously, but even though it looks like I move with confidence, like I make sure decisions, there is hesitation on each side, pushing me both ways.  Every person in this classroom, has their own laws, which conflict with each other resulting into their manifested fate.  Every thing I do, I cant go back and correct, I cant pretend it never happened, it will certainly not be the same, but the many best is always at hand, by God’s mercy.  Now that I didnt sit close to her, I want to makee up for it by looking, but I shouldnt feel obligated to do it, I should always just let it flow, then everyone else who does not do it either, may get jealous... is it my fault? Should I not show what I am? I am trying to be honest, but they give me these laws.  Whenever I am afraid to do something I am pretending to be something I am not, I am hiding my intentions;  I want to expose who I am but they tell me that I shouldnt exist.

The laws restrict, when they are enough of them (bindings), one is not able to move, in any direction, because of fear, because of the laws that should not be broken.  Paralyzed by fear because of the unknown:  In epistemology class the proff said that if we admitted to ourselves that we did not know anything, we would be left paralyzed, but this fear is not the result of not knowing, but the result of thinking that we know the result of acting in the unknown; but we shouldnt fear the unknown, we should be astonished, inspired by it; then we realize that the unknown is ever present, we are always acting in the unknown.

February 9, 2010

I was feeling okay today, even though my group from philosophy class wanted me out of the group cuz I hadnt done anything.  Like if I never took six bullets for my whole group.  Anyways, I was completely okay with it, until the professor “talked” to me about it, he told me that I had to do it on my own now, and that from the other two group assignments, he was going to drop my highest grade.  I had an excuse, but I didnt think of it at the time, I was as responsible as everybody else in there was, there were only two meetings, the one where I was the only one to show up, and the one where everybody showed up except me, the one where the drafts were assigned, I missed that one meeting, I tried to make contact with them, they told me whatever, not to worry... and now the prof just thinks I’m irresponsible.  I didnt mind them doing that, but the prof giving penalties for not “getting the ball along” in the group makes me think that he thinks its my fault.  And thats what I had a problem with it.

I wrestled with that idea, I was sad, I didnt want to fix the problem though (I could have just told him what was on my mind, and let him decide on those terms), I wanted to change myself.  With every problem I have, there is an opportunity for me to love, and with these opportunities, I have opportunities to analyze how I begin to love.  But I felt bad after class, druing and after my next... what was I suppose to realize? In what way was I suppose to think about this case?

                So there was the feeling again, sadness, the intruder now seems like a stranger, I dont want to do anything else until I let it out.  I thought about, I was trying to tell myself that I should be thankful for my blessings instead... (didnt work)... I tried to tell myself to get over it because they just dont understand, they didnt mean it, its just the way they grew up that makes them act like that, they just dont understand... my negative emotion was flooding over to my groupmates, instead of the situation that caused it in the first place, and I noticed, so I focused again on the problem, the problem is the prof knowing the truth... I just think that decisions should be made based on the facts we know, and if I know something and I keep it to myself, I am doing wrong. So I was concerned that I was holding in vital information about a decision, so my problem is that I cant stand keeping secrets? Unfairness? People being too afraid to speak for the life of another?  I was trying not to be concerned about this, then I thought of a case where I thought it was okay to conceal the truth... when it was funny.  But this was preposturous, if I thought it okay to conceal truth only when its funny, but who am I to decide when something is funny or not? If this was the answer, then my judgement is ridiculous... I kept thinking.  About 5 minutes before work I was taking a piss and I was thinking about, pursuing what I want, I should never want somehting like this, what was my problem?  Why do I have this desire?  If I shouldnt have deisres then why was I in college?  How would I lead my life?  Shouldnt I want life over death??  Well, I should want life over death, but I shouldnt feel bad if I dont get to live... I mean just imagine if you were never born.  And this I found the answer.

                Its okay to want things, and you should pursue whats best for you, but you shouldnt feel bad if you dont get it.  Because everything is a gift from God, he could have given you nothing at all, and you would get no answer, but he gave you life, and a chance to appreciate all these things you do.  And yes, you should want whats best, you should keep wanting more and more life, but do not forget that what you have now, is given, and thus you should not demand a thing from the Giver.  You should think that you SHOULD have something, you should not think that you have rights to certain things, your rights are what is given to you, for the length of time that is given.  Remember this and continuously thank the Lord for your blessings.  Want life, but realize that He could always just had left you non-existant, rejoice of the abundance, and of the lack... there is no such thing. (Hud 11:9)

Oh and by the way, the music girl from september 10, 2009 lives in my suite.

February 8, 2010

Call to freedom, call to freedom is the answer, going against what you desire to claim back the authority that your desires have taken from you.  To miss the deadline of your debts and not let it affect you.

I have found so many answers on how to love, but the thing is that I dont remember, not that I havent solved the problem, but that I forget the solution.

So I need to find an elixir for memory, how would it be? Excellent transcendant memory fill?

That you remember absolutely everything, as if you had never forgotten anything; not in the sense that now you have remembered everything you have forgotten, but in the sense that everything you have done in your life, is because you have always remembered.  This shows truly the will of God working in our lives. Through the knows-all, His will is done. 

February 7, 2010

Im going crazy today, discovering, going through varieties and rushes of emotions Ive never felt before.  I am in so many worlds, I am so many people.  I was thinking the answer to life was infinite interpretations, so I felt every emotion I could possibly find and that was an interesting experience.  I felt a sense of freedom seeping in, because I accepted that anything could happen, and there was nothing I could do about it, I dont want to try and control Reality, no, please just happen; bless me God, with complete Life.

                I thought about a situation, where I felt that there was no way out, and when I was caught, I had gone insane with fear, like if I had seen a ghost, that is us everyday when we reject everything else that is happening in this life.  I wondered what caused us to move into a different persona to be able to stay alive and cope with what we will not accept into our normal persona.  I study how it would be to be in this spot: when I am in a spot where I feel like there is no evading the horror, I try to think of the possibilities and think about how I will deal with this inevitability, I mean, what else can I do? So I just move forward with it, instead of becoming paralyzed.  Instead of sitting there in complete fright dreading the terrifying present, instead of being completely trapped and closed within this current event, I try to think of the outside world, and how it will change, and why it will bad and why may it be good.  So maybe this is the answer, to think forward.  When I woke up this afternoon, I was immersed in thought, as soon as I got out of bed, I headed for the laptop to turn the music on, and I felt my muses leaving me, not there, empty... why did this happen? I think its because I started thinking in terms of doing, I know what to expect, and I know the end of my actions, instead of terms of wondering.  So I think that the difference between open and closed mind, is that when I think about what I already, and how things should go, I am not thinking about how it could be.  When I think about what is known, I leave out anything that may be Unknown.  And whatever I dont know, does not take part in my life, no surprises, the same everyday, strict given results.  When I was a child, probably fourth grade I came up with “if you think what you know is interesting, just think about everything else that you do NOT know.”

               

Is this life really about trying to live the longest span of time?

February 5, 2010

 I listening to Tsunami Bomb’s “Epic”.. and wondering why I always felt alone, when I know understand exactly what she is talking about, but I didnt think anybody thought the same, or at a large scale.  When everyword makes sense, then you know that you understand the message.  Why have I always felt alone in this idea?

if u thnk ur alone, listen: u'll hear sum1 tht thnks da same foolish thing; if u dnt hear any1, its becuz ur not speaking up either..

its suppose to explain why people feel like nobody understands them.

                So Im checking out this girl in my class, and I guess Im just horny right now, because I think she is hot enough to be a porn star and I cant stop looking at her, and I just wish I could “express” it.  Now this expression is what I am paying attention to; because when I fantasize, and when I actually negotiate to decide what course of action I would take to satisfy this “desire”.  I wish I could throw her a note tat said, “you are hot enough to be a pornstar,” and that she would take the COMPLIMENT (and I do mean it as a compliment, I dont feel like it is anything that she needs to change about herself but I just want to tell her that she is awesome the way she is, but I am also concerned about telling her this because she may not take it as a compliment), oh how perfect my world would be if I tossed her that note and saw a smile on her face as she read it, I would feel so complete.  So now I am thinking of alternative ways to tell her how hot she is, without “offending her.” Well maybe I could develop a relationship with her, to get her trust and explain to her that I really do not mean to offend her when I tell her this.  So I would have to let her get to know how vulgar I am, that I do honestly think that this comment should be a compliment.  So then I think... “so I want to develop a relationship with her, and let us get to know each other, for the simple purpose of telling her that she is hot enough to be a pornstar, comfortably? Is this my soul purpose to having relationships with people? I mean, I have admitted before, indeed, that when I want to go out with a girl I just basically want to tell her, to reassure her that she is beautiful, (because there is so much low self-esteem issues these days with people thinking that they are too fat or not good enough for any member of the opposite sex to look at them), and that she is beautiful enough for me to spend time with her, and beautiful enough to make me want to stick my toungue inside her mouth... I mean, how much more beautiful can you get? So me getting into relationships with girls is just to convey this fact. “  And then I think of the courses of action I would resort to in place of something as simple as telling her and having her believe honestly and say “thank you”, how could I make the understanding of this message happen?  I would stare at her, and let her catch me a little, I would probably talk to her, I would probably ask for her number (to tell her that she is pretty enough to make me ask for her number, at least), I would ask her to be my girlfriend... if I cant still use words I would probably do whats more comfortable and grope her (with consent of course), since I am trying to convey a message.. not just  get what I want, but I want it because I want to express to someone (other than her?) that i want it (but this is another subject).  I would have sex with her?  Now I wouldnt do any of this to keep what I have left of my virginity, but I fantasize this as a means to communicate something to her; and as to the case of raping her... depending in which directions my “will” fights my “desire”, I am tryiing to communicate something to society, or to myself in relation to society, or to my friends, etc.

All I want to do, with all my actions, is express a truth; my actions are the way that I let messages out, if I could find a way to convey a message successfully, to reassure this girl that I think she is superhot!, (btw class is over and I am sitting in the classroom alone typing this), I would be satisfied with that

There are people that say: even if you tell her, what if she says “okay, so you say you want to stick your tongue inside me, but I want you to actually do it.” This does not mean that it is not enough to convey the message only, (but that the desire to take part in the action is still there)... I think of how I sometimes when I know that someone thinks I am hot, I lose concern for them, or like I just want to know if someone WOULD do some dirty stuff with me, and that knowing is enough for me to forget the matter... which is the reason why I watch demented pornography because I just want to make sure that there are girls out there who think the same way I do.  So when someone wants to “actually do something” is because the message has not been conveyed...

And this leads to a more comprehensive revelation, that everything we do, is to express a message, to reassure the world that something exists when they think we think they think they dont.  Every desire could be explained in terms of this somehow.  In a way, the our actions and desires, are to prove something to society, in this way our desires and desire for certain actions are dictated by society.  Learn this, open your eyes and remove yourself from necessity, Allah awaits.

Ipicked my nose while lying down, after dreaming of donig dirty things with one of my ex’s... I felt the blood run down the inside of my nose, and I thoughtof how I am allowing it to drip down that way, and how it is liquid, and it doesnt bother me.  So I think, if it was water it would bother me, why? Because it is a different substance? Because it is a different temperature? If it was anything, it wouldnt bother me if I accepted it.  If I had Love, it wouldnt bother me if it was toxic acid.  And so I thought about what would a world be like.. and so I remembered asking myself once, if we are not suppose to scratch off our scabs, why do they itch? If we are not suppose to pick at them, why do I have this urge to pick at them? I thouhght of these questions because I thought about why I picked my nose.  Now I know that the itches and the urges to pick off things that are not completely attached, are urges, and therefore should not be listened to.  As I said before, urges, fears, desires, are all unnatural; this urge to pick off things that are not completely detached probably comes from an unnatural conditioning from the value that our society puts in “shaving off loose particles,” we do that while we clean things, while we vacuum, anything if it has anything loose, anything that if we do not know when it may fall off or detach, then it is not perfect.  Animals have a “natural tendency for these things, why do you think that cats pounce after butterflies? Its because they have an urge to “clean things up” from their field of vision; animals never decide to ignore their urges, they do not free themselves from sin and idolatry and so they never learn Truth; their circumstance leads them into scratching themselves to death (they have linked sensations with unrelated courses of action), rats fall into mousetraps, since their craving is more overwhelming than the warning of death.  Their subconscious, which knows better than the conscious, is not making the decisions here.  Unless the give up hope and decide that they will not listen to their urges, but then after they are saved, they go back to their usual lifestyle.  And that, my son, is why we scratch the itch; so forget that little fairy tale that your mother told you.

Then I thought about how picking my nose lead me to think about all of this.  My subconscious probably knew that it would lead to this, me allowing it, me thinking about it, the thought of it leading to another, and so on and so on...  and it makes me think, “well why cant you just tell me everything, dear subconscious?” and then I get the thought of something else happening, a situation that do not focus on or think about it, but instead, I get angry at it, I do not listen.  The reason why my subconscious doesnt tell me, is because I end up not listening, because we think that what it says is wrong.  People do this all the time, when you think that someone is doing wrong, and you express it so that they know, they stop doing it, at least around you... when someone tells you something that you do not want to believe, you refute it, or tend to ignore it.  Who knows how much I am ignoring at the moment, how much I am lying to myself.

It sounds easy doesnt it...

all we have to do is talk,

something so simple...

but in our minds it becomes the hardest battle of all

to reveal our sin, it can cost our lives, what we hold on to

even the hardest criminals and trained soldiers are weak in this sense

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10:34 PM

Mental Patient:

its a philosophical fight within the battle for the meaning of Life...

the enemy holds us down,

we hide the truth

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10:36 PM

Mental Patient:

the proud: their smirks are gone, the tough: their eyes get teary when they realize

that they have not taken over the world

when they realize that they are not in control of their lives as they thought

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10:37 PM

Dαìsγ:

im blank..(:

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10:37 PM

Mental Patient:

its okay, I jsut need somewhere to type

dont want to open a word document takes too long

and my thoughts fade with time

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10:38 PM

Dαìsγ:

yes ur writing is realy nice to read(;

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10:38 PM

Mental Patient:

thnx ur sweet..

do you understand?

the prophet declares our need to confess...

with confession comes freedom

but we are all afraid of the ghost, the lie that clouds our minds making for us a false reality

overwhelming

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10:40 PM

Dαìsγ:

u should be a poet or a writer

ur words get attention

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10:41 PM

Mental Patient:

a beacon he says to be

it takes letting go of life to lay it on the line

it takes risking it all

his invitation, is inspiring

but his fear brings may bring his demise

Daisy:its a response to this song

"Jack and Ginger" by from autumn to ashes

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10:46 PM

Mental Patient:

he works against his will, strength against his fear, more daring than those who risk their earthly lives, as daring as those who risk earthly eternal life...

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10:47 PM

Mental Patient:

ok done!

how are you?

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10:47 PM

Dαìsγ:

ohh i sha'll listen to this ginger song u say

“The end to lies must come... this is the end to lies.” He says as he strives for greatness.  You feel the pain he bears, as he gets ready to confess; this pain, it is not physical, it is not obvious, so people deny its value.  The pain he bears comes from him ripping open his mental self to pour out something that exists in all of us, but has never been seen outside, exposed.  Its painful, but the reason why the rose decides to go through the painful process of blooming is because there comes a time when staying closed is more painful than opening up, the idea of death can be too painful for living beings.  And to avoid it, he lives.. he lives so forcefully that it seems like insanity.  Once a living being has been truly inspired by the Verb, he cannot hold still; once one realizes what its like to be alive, he will not resort to death, in any form.