October 30, 2010

What time is it?  It’s not the symbols on the digital clock, it’s not the oscillator the measures imperfectly the motions of reality, unsynchronized.

            What time is it? You ask.  I will tell you, the time is… now.

            Now is indicated  by the symbols on the digital clock as much as it indicated by the towel on my bed.  Now is indicated not by some numbers we have all agreed upon, but by the position of the sun.  Now is not indicated within a day, but within eternity; indicated by the way things are:  by the objects on the table, by the position of the sun in relation to the earth, by the position of the earth, moond and by the planets within our solar system, and by the rest of the cosmos and all the energies within them that make this moment unique from the rest of eternity.  THIS is the time it is.

            It’s funny how I am saying this, how this all comes from my head; and yet, I can’t sense it.  It goes through me as if I was an undead prophet, a speaking stone.  I say it, but I myself do not know what it means, it moves me not. 

            Like looking at the sky and seeing a wall.  Not even a great blue wall, but a limit in front of my eyes, with nothing behind it, with not even a sign of curiosity.  I wish I knew what this might mean.  Whatever is behind this wall is dead to me; leaving me without a sign of curiosity, without wonder.

For a friend:

well let me give you an example

sophomore year in highschool

is when I began to hate these type of people

what happened, is that

I was wroking out

and sweating alot

and I flipped my hair back

10:24pm

and a drop of my sweat flew onto this white girl's leg

and she freaked out over it, like she had just dropped a baby or something

so thats what heppened

10:26pm

I tried to apologize and help

but she was all freaked and was crawling away from me like if I wanted to slice her

then her friend came to "rescue"

and told me to just stay away

I almost want to cry just think about what it all means to me

I just rather stay away from people that would want me to stay.  I don’t want to bother them, if they feel like it’s a burden to have me around. 

How does one get through a person’s head, when they are closed as shit, to anything you attempt?  At home I tried to figure out a way that I could approach and make up for a misunderstanding to such a person.  But my goal felt impossible;  I would be intruding, I would be disrespecting their boundaries, if I tried to hide parts of me so that such a person would see my harmless side.  I beat myself up trying to figure out this ordeal, how to solve the problem. 

In the end I decided on a conclusion so that I could stop tormenting myself with it.  I would stay away from such closed minded people that do not give the unknown a chance.  Those people that do not take risks to accept a little flaw for once, for the sake of a new discovery.  After all, those who do not want to know do not deserve to know.  And I labeled these people with the girl’s image… her behavior reflected the consumer society; too caught up on conforming to the media to realize that there is a world beyond society.  Why bother with them? If looking outside their little cell will only enrage them, just let them live in their ignorant peace.

If I see that people reject characteristic that I feel that are part of me, then I will not bother, because I feel that in the end, they would end up not only rejecting me, but regretting the time they allowed me to exist around them.  The only reason I stay away from people is because I feel that deep inside they want me to stay away from them.  It’s most heart-breaking to me, since I love to trust strangers as myself; but I hate to be burden to those I love.  In time, this fear of being a burden gets buried into auto-pilot, making it seem, even to myself, as if it was hate towards these people; but I am only trying to be considerate.  And as I have convinced myself that I hate them…

When someone “wants to get to know me”, but I see that they hate attributes that they do not yet know that are also part of me… I expose myself openly.  I try to be myself without hesitation, and try to let everyone know what I am; so that they do not accidently interact with someone they would avoid.  I “open my mouth” to let others know what I am; I don’t want to hide it from them, that would be disrespectful.  If they have a problem with it, it is better that they decide what they think is best as soon as possible.

If I feel that they are mistaken about the way they see me, I try to explain things to them; but I can only explain if they give me a chance.  If they don’t, then what is there to do? Except break a heart.