Weakness, something that I wasn’t willing to attribute to them without consent. Now it’s apparent to me that it is not me, but they themselves that think themselves as weak, which is why they feel threatened. In such case (when they feel threatened), if anything, I should reassure them that they can be strong.
Before this I just thought them as neurotic, them think that I was a monster, and me beginning to believe myself a monster. But the reason why I felt threatened by their formulations was the same reason; I thought myself as weak.
All I had to do was reassure myself that I was strong, that a certain action was not necessary to fulfill my dream that I was complete with the way the world is.
Why? What changed it if not its external properties? And what allowed for my focus to shift?
I think it’s because I saw their weakness not as my judgment, but as their own, but why didn’t I see it so before?
So I get the sense of where this may be going… irrelevant questions leading me through pointless intricacies. But why do I have to go through these steps? Why can’t I see things as they are? Why is my brain so slow at analyzing life? Simply put, why do I ever have questions? Because (again) I believe that I am weak? I don’t allow myself to do this, I don’t it’s appropriate, possible, adequate, allowed to exist, have a right to use it, have power to control it. I don’t believe I can, I don’t believe I have access to it.
%he prayer is believing in the “living access” believing that there is whatever I think there is, believing that I think what I am thinking. If I want clarity… have it, confusion… why not? But its not about the desire element, it is about the unity of self and the universe (which is within the self); and the harmony between them.
But now… how? Well I guess, just do it.
The reason I must stop judging is because I believe that is what I must do. But do I really? God what/where are you?
II am thinking about what I want to be, (finally) what I want to do with my life. I realize I don’t know what to choose, not any personal interpretation of the universe…
I just want to be what I am. I just… whatever it Is.
Solution: believe that I can be whatever I want to be…
it feels like I am what I want to be, and like I want to be what I am.
And of course it makes sense come to this conclusion, from many different angles: believing that the universe is HERE and that All God is real and present; with active power and present blessing, it’s all here!
I just rather stay away from people that would want me to stay. I don’t want to bother them, if they feel like it’s a burden to have me around.
How does one get through a person’s head, when they are closed as shit, to anything you attempt? At home I tried to figure out a way that I could approach and make up for a misunderstanding to such a person. But my goal felt impossible; I would be intruding, I would be disrespecting their boundaries, if I tried to hide parts of me so that such a person would see my harmless side. I beat myself up trying to figure out this ordeal, how to solve the problem.
In the end I decided on a conclusion so that I could stop tormenting myself with it. I would stay away from such closed minded people that do not give the unknown a chance. Those people that do not take risks to accept a little flaw for once, for the sake of a new discovery. After all, those who do not want to know do not deserve to know. And I labeled these people with the girl’s image… her behavior reflected the consumer society; too caught up on conforming to the media to realize that there is a world beyond society. Why bother with them? If looking outside their little cell will only enrage them, just let them live in their ignorant peace.
If I see that people reject characteristic that I feel that are part of me, then I will not bother, because I feel that in the end, they would end up not only rejecting me, but regretting the time they allowed me to exist around them. The only reason I stay away from people is because I feel that deep inside they want me to stay away from them. It’s most heart-breaking to me, since I love to trust strangers as myself; but I hate to be burden to those I love. In time, this fear of being a burden gets buried into auto-pilot, making it seem, even to myself, as if it was hate towards these people; but I am only trying to be considerate. And as I have convinced myself that I hate them…
When someone “wants to get to know me”, but I see that they hate attributes that they do not yet know that are also part of me… I expose myself openly. I try to be myself without hesitation, and try to let everyone know what I am; so that they do not accidently interact with someone they would avoid. I “open my mouth” to let others know what I am; I don’t want to hide it from them, that would be disrespectful. If they have a problem with it, it is better that they decide what they think is best as soon as possible.
If I feel that they are mistaken about the way they see me, I try to explain things to them; but I can only explain if they give me a chance. If they don’t, then what is there to do? Except break a heart.
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