October 14, 2010

I do not pray for a long life, nor riches, nor for my enemies to be destroyed, I do not even pray for wisdom; I just pray for Your will to be done.

I don’t want to want; that is all I want.  I don’t want to want; so that I can Be.

This is what I appreciate from others, for them to be themselves and to not let the changes in my life bother them in any way. 

This means to do with me what you want, just don’t EVER feel forced by me to do anything.

As if I was your imaginary friend!

What I meant by: “I shouldn’t trust”

What I meant by that is not that I shouldn’t trust people because they might hurt me.

(I was telling a friend about it, and what came to her mind when I said that I did not want to trust people was that I thought they were gonna take my stuff, I can understand the confusion, so I tell you that its not what I meant).  I meant that I should not depend on others, even though they may say it is ok to do so.  I should not trust their generosity or leniency with me, or their desire to help me in any way.

Let me tell you, of how one of the aspects unfolded in my time here at Whitman:

Even before I got to Whitman, I always had the mentality to not let my desire for comfort interfere with anyone else’s (no matter the difference in degree).

Example of difference in degree, if I had not eaten in 3 days, and I finally get a muffin, but there is a kid who wants the muffin so much because he is a brat and he is crying, I would give it up.  Of course there are also details on how to live by this thoroughly.  Like if a peer wants the muffin, I tell him that I have not eaten in three days, but he thinks that his craving is more uncomfortable than his consideration for my hunger, I let him have it.  If I feel that he does not understand, but that if he did, he would let me have it, I may eat it myself… but that’s another topic.

I tried my best to not even ask my parents for any money or clothes.  I got my clothes and shoes from friends, hand me downs from brothers and my girlfriend used to buy me clothes.  I made sure that they didn’t mind, and it was stuff that would get thrown away or something.  Which explains why I always eat leftovers.

At Whitman things changed.

There have been too many times in which people ask me to be comfortable, then they end up regretting it for one reason or another (I would not mind this happening, if they admitted to the fact that they did not want me to get comfortable in the first place.  I would want them to admit it primarily to avoid me going crazy about who I can trust and not, and what signs I can trust. [Do I do what they say, or what their gestures tell me?  Sometimes a person cannot help but be in pain, but would still feel better satisfied if they helped someone.])  The situation becomes worse when the person hides the fact that he is not comfortable with me, and pretends to be okay with what I do.  Therefore, if I see ANY sign that the person is “sacrificing” any of their conscience’s comfort for me, I do what I can to stop a soon as possible.  But they end up reporting me behind my back, and I end up not knowing what the “negative signs” were.