July 5, 2011

The only reason why other people always seem happier is because you cannot hear their thoughts.  

It’s 3:00 a.m. and I am a little concerned about gaining weight; well, I am getting a little fatter but, I am not too concerned about it.  I have just been wishing that I was more physically able, like I used to be.  I am lying on the couch, ready to sleep.   I have that sensation I used to have those wonderful summer nights, back in high school after I had made that sacrifice.  Those heavenly nights I would lay in bed with a bowl of ice to rub against my body, with AFI playing and with the night sky in my head.  I was fit back then, and now I feel the same way for some reason.  I have been yearning to feel like that, and now I realize that this feeling did not come because I had a good body, but because I could feel my body, just like I am feeling my body right now.  If this is all I have to do to feel able then I am off to use my body.  I am now healthy again.

So I went outside to reach towards the sky, and the more I felt my body and my surroundings, the more real I felt.  I realized that this is what I yearned for; to be real, just like my fantasies.  Whenever I yearn for a far away world, or to be full of life and splendor, I am actually just looking for this, to quiet my mind.  Maybe the concepts just get mixed up because being in a far away fantasy wakes up my attention, but I do not want the far away fantasy, I just want to wake up.  We are animalistic when we use outside objectives to quiet our mind, the outside objectives are not necessary though; and though they may clear our mind once, it does not mean that they will always liberate us.  Being rich does not secure one’s happiness, having sex does not make one’s dreams  come true, having security in life does not get rid of one’s fear.  Securing one’s happiness, secures one’s happiness, making dreams come true makes dreams come true, getting rid of fear gets rid of fear; but how does one go about doing these things?  By doing them, any other objective is unnecessary; there is nothing “in the way”, and there is no “road” to it.

I think it was yesterday I begin to address the present as “what I need to be satisfied with”; and if I can’t do it I say, “well, this is it”.  I try to not think of anything else or yearn for “better challenges”.  When I succeed in doing this it makes me feel accomplished and stable.  Nothing else comes from it, and I do not know how it should, yet.  But I do not think being concerned about it, will help any.