Early in the night.
I am laying down, feeling my blood rush around my body, I only feel tired when I stand on my feet because gravity weighs down on the circulation.
I’m still thinking about taking that walk; I hesitate to go out the fence. I try to think of everything as perfect. When I do, my perfect body becomes separate from the perfect environment; they are two different things.
As I am walking back into the house, I think of how this may be a good and productive mental exercise, seeing everything as perfect will probably train my mind to match everything into perfection; the idea certainly does make sense. But what if I want it to be “awesome” instead? Or what if I crave a drama or a comedy at the moment… now I am torn apart. Great, another block that makes me hesitate to even try.
As I see the movies on the rack, my mind escapes, into each movie I look at, and yearns to experience each one. As I think of the world as perfect, it all turns back into a rack of movies; there is not enough time in the world to look at every possible movie anyway.
So should it be perfect or awesome? Whatever I may make it, it would only be as great as my mind allows it to be, and nothing more. What if instead of choosing what it is, what if I just let it be itself. So instead of “the universe is perfect” or “the universe is awesome”, instead it is “the universe IS!!! (bland)”… and that is why my mind feels it is boring to not judge, because I believe that things without judgment are things without flavor. I put that “bland” in parenthesis, because I did not anticipate my mind saying that, it just happened automatically. But it just shows how hard it is to say that “the universe IS…” without saying anything else ahead of it.
Focus on breathing…
In an attempt to behold as much as possible I found that it may be inefficient “trying to find something” to behold, because as I am scanning to find such an object I am only skipping over and ignoring what passes by. This movement is not sincere to the goal, so I focus on my breathing and hold on to it as I move out. If I forget about my breathing then it only guarantees that I am deliberately letting something go. Distractions are those things that divert me from others.
Hopefully by learning this confusion I will let go of the habit of wandering aimlessly around my mind, making idle each one of my thoughts.
Still, I am not sure how not being distracted by one thing, is supposed to help expand my awareness to other things. I do know that, not being distracted can mean that I am not being manipulated by desire… maybe this concept can help me understand how it works.
So I found a way to describe my current state:
Everything I do is wrong. I can’t even read the Bible without feeling like I am wasting my time. I cannot pray unless I make sure not to ask for anything. If I do what I want, it is bad; if I do what I think is right, it is wrong. So I do not let myself do anything basically, and I go through the whole day, trying to figure out a way to free myself from my accusations. Then, I take a break by doing what I want. And so it seems like a completely unproductive day, where besides doing nothing, the only other thing I do is whatever the hell I want.
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