July 11, 2011

Chasing hypothetical spirits.

 

Late at night

I’m on my way to take a walk and think of my next step.  I am trying to get a job these days.  You know, this could become easier with a little magic.  The option is there, but just looking at it makes my dreams crumble; making me realize that it will turn to dust sooner or later. 

If I try to keep alive what is only mortal, I can only extend its sentence.  A death sentence is a death sentence, no matter what you do before it: if someone told you to look at what you may before they erased your memory, you would realize that it does not matter what you look at, because in the end it will be like you never saw it; and what is the value of delaying this event?

I do not go with this option as a sign of accepting what is being allotted to me.  If I put myself in this situation, let my punishment come as it should.  Whether this situation is a result of my ignorance or lack of “luck”, I can only remain with the same type of fortune if I decide to post-pone it.  If I do not let the winds flow, they will wait in place.  I cannot depend on death to liberate me from judgment; judgment is as sure as this world is real; this I can only feel.  If I try to cheat my punishment, I will only be punished more for cheating.  I must remain sincere, and grow valiant to face my fate.  The punishment for fleeing is cowardice, and the punishment for hiding my face is lack of dignity. 

I wish I could write this down, but I feel that whatever comes to me only does so because it is the least important of what I have yet to learn.  The more time I waste writing things down, the longer I have to wait for the best answers to come.

So I was balancing myself on a fallen over cylinder of sort, it rolled and I was not able to stay on it.  As I thought about it I realized that my posture did not allow me to have control, and so I fell off.  But I had this posture for a reason, I just couldn’t remember why.  “This event happened only seconds ago, and you cannot remember this little detail? Do you realize how ineffective your mind is?!”, “It’s only so ineffective because you keep talking to me.”

Accusing myself takes my mind off of the world, what if I try approving of what I do?

As I think about this, I think of a situation that it may not help.  Like if I am “obviously” doing something wrong but approve of it, still.  I must approve of it at all times, in all levels (yea, in all levels… that’s the tricky part).  But I shouldn’t just approve of what I do, but what there is around me, and all that happens.  As I try to feel this, I can feel the grace of that which holds all that there is; and it becomes true, the universe is in God’s hands and therefore, it is perfect.