It is 3:30 a.m. and I just finished playing video games. I went to go pee thinking nothing good could ever come out of me wasting my time like this. But as I was entering the bathroom, I “felt” the place; it was weird, the lighting the room the walls. It did not feel at all the way it usually feels after I play video games for long periods of time: Me trapped in my head with after-images playing and replaying and my thoughts composed of nothing but sound effects of the video game (no, I hate it when that happens). But it felt like quite the opposite actually. I felt like I was “actually here”, which is weird because even though I am always here, I don’t usually feel it (that said I guess it is because I never bother to feel it). And now as I look around feeling my environment I realize: my house is a mess, hahah. And this computer technology thing I am typing on is pretty damn crazy.
As I turn off the light to go to sleep, I feel how insecure I am about hitting my shin on the table, and I feel how the darkness engulfs me so I feel insecure about anything that may be around me, and it is freaking scary. Wow, everything feels a lot more real and thus I feel it a lot more intensely.
Hahah, there is a bug on the globe, and I do not feel it as a “nuisance” labeled object as I usually do, which is why I usually just swat them away without curiosity. No, now I am actually feeling it as if it was a complete and separate creature, kind of like me, but smaller. It feels more whole, it kind of feels like it’s my buddy, and it’s just doing it’s own thing… on my arm, haha. This is crazy.. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep.
Wupwup, broken record in my head, playing the beginning of the intro music to the video game. Oh well, let see, I think I can make the other feeling come back…
I wake up, my mind is all over the place with video game images and cell phone sounds and different versions of that “light a candle” songs. I try to quiet it by listen to the “woosh” of the fan. But it’s not good enough the thoughts still manage to seep in and invade my mind again. So I look for those magical words that have taught me to listen without pushing and insisting a desire, what is it? “Do not seek, feel”? “By not seeking you will feel”? no, umm, what is it? Then I remember, “Do not seek. Do not even seek ‘not seeking’, just calm down”. So I listen, and I actually find the inspiration of all these stray thoughts, the generator of all these sounds that keep playing in my mind: I feel the fatigue in my joints, the pulling feeling under my belly, the sinking feeling between my ears with the balloon feeling in the inside of my forehead, and I hear the electric hum of the fan. The stray thoughts that invaded my mind, were hidden inside of these; it is how I “listened” to these, it is like I was not listening to them, but my mind still heard them so it just processed them as thoughts: just like when your friend gives you an idea, but because you never listen to what he says, you think (and it certainly feels like) you came up with the idea (such an annoying concept by the way, “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you”, “no you didn’t when did you tell me that?”). Hmm, could it be that the only reason why you would ever “get an idea (a lightbulb) out of ‘nowhere’” is because you are not listening to the source? Could it be that the thoughts that you get are actually messages from the half-conscious impressions from your environment? And it is how you communicate with animals and with nature?
The only reason you insist on telling me, is because you yourself do not believe it.
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